Help I have BPD and have left my husband

[Anon64]

I have suffered from mental illness anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. Recently about 5 months ago I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This then led to me seperating from my husband of 15 years I’ve moved out with a new partner which I didn’t expect to happen. My ex has now found out and hates me badly. He’s heartbroken. We have 2 boys 9 & 6 and it’s been hard on all of us. I keep flipping between wanting to go back and wanting to stay with my new partner (who is amazing and makes me very happy) it just feels easier to go back. I’m in intense mental pain my anxiety is horrendous. The separation was because I couldn’t love him anymore so it’s not fair to stay right? I’m so confused and hurting so much. I was very unhappy in my marriage for a while. I went into shock when me ex yelled his pain and hatred at me and I can’t snap out of feeling like it’s all my fault.

[Guppy123]

Hi- sorry to hear about your troubles, sounds like things are sucking badly at the moment. Do you have someone that you can talk to/ be with at the moment?

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

BPD is a complex illness that unfortunately has consequences for the sufferers AND their family members when some behaviours are chosen.

Some aspects of your post I cant comment on because BPD requires professional medical persons to help you...that's essential especially in this triangulated love situation.

I'll quote a few comments of yours and be honest about my thoughts

"This then led to me seperating from my husband of 15 years I’ve moved out with a new partner which I didn’t expect to happen." You are an essential ingredient of the action of leaving him and moving in with your new partner. You should bare some responsibility if not all for that action.

"My ex has now found out and hates me badly." Quite normal. 15 years is a long time. There is no mention of marriage counseling to help fix any issues you and your husband had, so assuming there wasn't any attempt to fix them it is radical to leave and live with another man so soon. He feels betrayed, that's why he "hates" you.

"The separation was because I couldn’t love him anymore so it’s not fair to stay right?" Well you have two children to consider as well as some level of commitment to the marriage. That should have at least led to some marriage repair. Did you meet your new lover prior to separation?

"I went into shock when me ex yelled his pain and hatred at me and I can’t snap out of feeling like it’s all my fault." Who's fault is it from your perspective?

As I said BPD is a complex illness and these issues should and can be confronted by a trained person. Fault? well fault is a tough word when dealing with mental illness. If your BPD is to blame for most of what appears to be quite radical actions then it is only your fault if you don't get proper treatment in my opinion. However we are peer advisers, untrained members with life's experiences. I think an expert is needed.

You have severe anxiety and things aren't going to improve in any way until such help is found.

Start with your GP and I hope you feel comfortable in remaining on the forum. You have to sort this out quickly to avoid much more hurt on all sides.

TonyWK

[Anon64]

I need help. I can’t stop shaking and racing heart and vomiting. I feel like I’ve destroyed my whole life in a psychosis it’s surreal. I also have to work 6 days this week and I’ve had a lot of time off from mental health. I don’t cope well hurting people I’ve always done what others wanted to avoid pain. So I started trying to think of myself and I’ve blown it all up.

[white knight]

Hi Rachd

That, as you've described, it the problem with mental illness. We dont intend to hurt others.

This is why you should attend your GP as soon as possible.

TonyWK

[Anon64]

I have an after hours appointment today I hope they can help. Thank you for listening. I spoke to my ex today in person and he was kind and not as angry but explained he’s had enough of dealing with me although offered to take me to hospital.

[Anon64]

Thank you I am close with my sister she’s a great support. My partner is concerned obviously as we started a relationship quite quickly and he’s confronted by my emotional response. But he is here for now for support as he does care a lot for me

[quirkywords]

Rachd,

I wanted to say how I appreciate the honesty of your posts. I am glad you are supported by your sister.

I hope you can get help and the right treatment which as you know can take sometime.

I hope that writing here is helping you.

I suppose if you can concentrate on getting appropriate treatment , then when you are better you can work on your relationships.

Quirky

[Anon64]

Thank you quirky. I’m certainly going to see my regular gp next week and talk about my medication and more therapy. I’m thinking a bit more rationally at the moment and my fear has settled down a bit. I need to start to learn to love myself and make rational choices from there.

[white knight]

Hood to hear Rachd.

Thats progress.

TonyWK