Feel like giving up on being a mum
I always had a certain imagine in my head of how I wanted to be as a mum. I pictured myself being this nurturing mother who would have a lot of time and patience for whatever may come with having a baby.
But what I pictured I would be, I am far from it. Which utterly breaks my heart to pieces knowing that I am not the mother I want to be.
I feel like giving up, every aspect in my life just isn't right or where I want it to be.
My partner and our son are living with my dad at the moment and it's having a toll on our relationship, and my relationship with my father. I am struggling to look after my son as he is starting to throw massive tantrums and he is always on the go go go. He is very demanding and not at all placid, I find it hard to keep up with his wants and needs. I am expected by my dad to cook dinner for everyone every night and have the kitchen spotless even though my eighteen year old brother who does't work or go to uni sits on his video games and does nothing.
My health is deteriorating. I have been suffering from a chronic tension headache for the last two weeks and now I have a persistent cough that has kept me awake all night for the past 5 days. I feel at a complete low, psychically and emotionally. Not to mention the amount of weight I have put on since having my son and I can't seem to shake it back off. I feel like a stranger in my once healthy body and I am so embarrassed, I don't even leave the house anymore.
My partner is slaving his backside off at work so we can move out of our dads and into our own place, and I can only imagine how he is feeling having to deal with work, a restless and irritable baby and dealing with my ongoing breakdowns and episodes.
I could go into more detail about everything that has gone on since my pregnancy but I wouldn't want to bore everyone with the small details.
Just at the moment, I am struggling to be the mother I want to be, the partner I want to be and the person I want to be in general.
It breaks my heart to say this and I feel terrible for saying it but If I had of known all the stuff that would have happened and how unhappy I would be being a mum, I wouldn't have had my son. I have thought about giving him away to someone who knows what they are doing and who is happy with themselves and has the patience and the magic of looking after a baby. I love him dearly and I want the best for my boy and being with me is not the best for him. I'm stuck.
Welcome to the forums and thanks for your post.
I see in your profile picture that you've got your baby there; what a cutie.
I'm so sorry that you're struggling. You've got a heavy load on your shoulders that's for sure and it sounds like while your partner is trying to help maybe you feel a little alone with this. Have you talked to anyone else about what you're going through to try and get some help?
I can only imagine that all this stress and worry of being a good mum as well as the pictures of how you'd hoped you'd feel would be taking its' toll; and I can hear that by the way you're having health issues as well. My best guess is that this is stress too.
I highly highly recommend that you have a chat to your GP about this and check out PANDA. Prenatal depression can be quite common and even though I am not qualified (nor would I want to) to give a diagnosis there are so many mums that are feeling the same way that you do now. You are not alone.
The website is http://www.panda.org.au/ They also have a hotline - 1300 726 306.
Geez.. sounds really overwhelming, I'm sorry this has gotten so bad for you!
I'm no professional, but the first thing I have to say is that you need to stop believing this has anything to do with you as a mother... of course you don't want to give up being a mum. By gobbling up lies like this, you are only putting energy into feeling bad when actually, the people around you who are responsible to support you, aren't.
I can say for a fact, that if your dad was supporting you like he should be, you would be feeling cared for and you would have a lot more energy to be the mother you actually are - nurturing and happy. It is abusive for your dad to not only sit back and do nothing while letting his own daughter (& grand child!) struggle so badly until it affects her health... but to also dump his responsibilities on you as well? This is wrong. Sounds like your brother is following in his footsteps.
You are NOT stuck. I know you don't have a lot of energy, but you sound near breaking point so put the last of it into a plan. If I were you, I would set a time (even if it's the middle of the night!) to have a serious chat to your partner and set a plan of action. Try your best to remember that your emotions will rise, but stay focussed for the sake of your child. Write down a few goals and then small steps on how to get to them - where you know your family will thrive instead of survive. It will be a fight, but worth it.
Don't feel bad if you are living in your dads house for free, or if he's tired or working or whatever. The truth is that you are his daughter and he is responsible to care for those that he loves, not just with money or a roof. This means he sets an example by making dinner and makes his son get off his butt and clean. If he won't do the right thing, you must put strong boundaries in place so that you're not catering to his wrong expectations. If you're scared of him or he is violent, you need to get out of there, whatever that means for the sake of your family. If you have friends, call them for help.
It's not drastic, what is drastic is the situation you're in. If I was your mother (or father), I would be making sure you had every meal cooked for you while you raise my grand child, I would babysit regularly so you could stay fit & healthy or whatever it is that you need time for. Lastly, I would make that lazy 18 year old pay rent & do the cleaning - or move out. That is what love is, friend.
All the best *hugs*