FebFast and return to drinking

[MegMc_D]

My husband is doing FebFast (abstaining from alcohol), I am joining him on this, to be supportive. 

He is a heavy drinker, and is very high functioning. We have two adult children, under the age of 20, who live at home, attending university. 

He drinks alcohol most (4-7) days a week, and goes to bed drunk. He commonly stays out very late for work related "networking", staggers in drunk, snores horrendously with periods of sleep apnoea, and wakes up reeking of alcohol. He is able to function the next day, but it damages his relationship with me and our children.  Between binges he is often defensive and grumpy, misinterpreting our conversations as criticisms. 

I have asked him to sleep in the rumpus room if he comes home drunk, but he has only respected this boundary once or twice. He commonly fell asleep on the train, and would ask me to pick him up from the end of the line. He is offended that I am angry at this imposition.  I have told him I will no longer pick him up if he sleeps past our station. This means he needs to find other transport, as the train service ends soon after midnight.  The nights he is at home he games for hours either on his phone or tv.

 I must say, it is not all bad, and we do have some lovely times.

The difference from 10 days of abstinence is striking. He looks well, his eyes are clear and his skin looks brighter. He is far less moody. We spend more time together, and all relationships have improved. The days are lighter.  His sleep is better, (as is mine) his snoring has stopped. He is losing weight. We have more money.

I want to encourage him to get professional help for his drinking, as he has done Febfast before, and goes back to his usual habits soon after. He had psychology some years ago, which did address his drinking. 

I find myself deeply deeply sad, that I have a glimpse of what life could be without the alcohol, but with the looming sense that it may end in a few weeks.  

*Should I address the issue, and encourage him to access support,  in Feb, or just see how it goes, and raise the conversation, once he goes back to drinking?*

  I have some organisations to refer him to, and will be arranging counselling for myself, and have located our local Al-anon group. Our kids already see psychologists. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Meg_123,  Thank you for sharing your story here, your words are really powerful and we can hear how much love and care you have for your husband. It sounds incredibly difficult. We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums, where other community members may be able to relate to what you’re going through.   Recovery can be a difficult journey, and it’s important that you are able to reach out. Do either of you currently have any support with these issues, or someone you feel you can talk to about this, we see you mentioned he saw a psychologist in the past? Remember, you can both always reach out to Beyond Blue or Lifeline. You can also both reach out to Counselling Online, who support people suffering from addiction, or supporting others through addiction and substance abuse. You can find the number for your state or territory here, and they also have some helpful information pages, such as this one on helping yourself while supporting others.  It’s so important that while caring for your partner you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling, to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or to our friends at Carers Australia on 1800 242 636.   We think it’s really important that extra support and medical advice is there through this, so we think it’s really good to keep the GP informed of what’s going on. Please remember that if either of you feel unsafe at any point, the number to call is 000.   Thanks again for posting here. It must have taken a lot of strength to share this, but you never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experience.  Kind regards,  Sophie M 

[Blue Angel 12]

Hi MegMc_D
I have been reading forums on this site since Aug last year, but this is the first time I have written on here as your post resonates with me so well. Thank you sharing your struggles.

My husband had had drinking issues on and off over the last 10 years, but this has definitely worsened over the last 3-4 years and worsened even more over the last year. I would class him as a high functioning alcoholic as he drinks heavily in the evenings, but tends not to have a hangover the next morning and still works full time in a professional job. Red wine is his major issue as he finds it impossible to have one or two glasses and always has to finish the bottle. He will often have 2-4 full strength beers before this too and was also drinking gin after the wine until 2 weeks ago, but I managed to persuade him not to buy that anymore and thankfully he hasn’t.

He is a kind, caring, generous, hard working and supportive person and I love him dearly, but this disease has had a real hold on him for way too long. We have wonderful times together during the day and get on really well, but I just hate the evenings as that is when he drinks.
When he drinks too much he becomes crude, unreasonable, impatient, repeats himself and falls asleep on the sofa. The next day he feels bad and has forgotten some of the evening and many things that we have talked about. It is really frustrating and makes me so sad.
We have adult children who left home several years ago and have two beautiful grandchildren, so I have tried to convey to my husband how it affects all of them as well as me and he does take this on board and says he wants to be better but says he finds it very difficult. He is overweight, has high BP, high cholesterol, high liver enzymes, is on the pre diabetes scale and snores every night with mild sleep apnoea. Instead of having to move out of our joint bed every night, I actually started to sleep in a separate bedroom 3 years ago hoping this would help him see how his drinking, weight and snoring was a problem. It didn’t change a thing sadly and I now refuse to move back in with him until he gets well. I need my sleep and my sanity!! 
I have tried to help him with books, online support groups, GP mental health plan, counselling and online hypnotherapy but nothing has helped. Over the last 5 weeks I made a chart for him to record his drinking… how many units he was having, the $ cost of it and the reasons he felt he needed to drink. It was his job to complete it and he did. He’d done this previously, but just as before he proceeded to drink less in the first week and then gradually build it up again. Yesterday he had drunk 20units in one evening, so by bedtime I had decided enough was enough and we needed to talk.
We had a long conversation this morning and looked at how his drinking had increased again and I told him that I had looked up the local AA meeting centre and that I felt he needed to go to a meeting. After much discussion, he has now set alcohol reducing goals for the next 3 weeks and has agreed that if he cannot stick to them, he will go to an AA meeting. It was a very difficult conversation with tears all round, but we have tried over and over to fix this monster ourselves and it’s just not worked. Much gains my wishes, I told him that I am at the point of moving out for a couple of weeks so I don’t have to continue watching him destroy himself, as well as hurting me and all those that love him. I think he was shell shocked, but it had to be said and I will do it if things do not improve and he doesn’t go to AA. I cannot go on like this. I have just retired, he will retire in a couple of years and I want us to spend it together.

So sorry for the long post, but I feel so much better for sharing and hope it helps you or someone else knowing you are not alone in this struggle. Sending good wishes to you