family (inlaws) and how im perceived and its effects on my marriage

[BonnieH]

hello, im new here and very uncertain and shaky writing things even beginning to cry because i feel that im releasing things that should be my problems noone elses, I should fix them and not burden others. i am having trouble mainly at the moment with my partner's family not accepting me and making me feel very abnormal and need to behave in a certain manner around them and if i dont my partner will be very angry later and give me a lecture on my behavior and how its perceived with his family i keep asking myself am i really that bad a person etc. im very scared of family functions and dread them as it seems such an effort to keep tabs on my subject of conversation, my actions and my behaviour and totally act like a different person and by the end of these events i am so very tired, this has been happening for a few years now and ive only just started to become more concerned as recently one evening a family member sent me very inappropriate message i showed my partner as it was his family and he suggested that i encouraged the messages/behaviour and i was possibly cheating on him, this is freaking me out even more when around his family as i believe my husband doesnt trust me

[Emmen]

Dear BonnieH,

Welcome to the forums.

It's unacceptable that your partner is taking his family's side against you. Your partner has chosen you for who you are, and he shouldn't expect you to behave differently around his family simply because he wants to appease them. The incident with the inappropriate messages is also very troubling because he is choosing to believe his family member over you, particularly in a situation where you will require his support.

From what you have said, your partner is the one with a problem, not you. I wonder if it would be possible for you to tell him that his behaviour and lack of trust in you is unacceptable? Perhaps you can also find out why he expects you to act differently around his family when he knew who you were from the start. With regards to the message, would you like to ask him what he thinks an appropriate reply should be? If you reply on your own, he may find more things to pick on or blame you for.

Kindly,
M

[Sweesoft]

Hi there,

It's okay to reach out. Sometimes, it's too overwhelming to carry the burden on your own, and you need to vent out one way or another. It's not healthy to keep it to yourself. It's better to reach out here where most have a grasp of what you are going through.

[sunnyl20]

Hi BonnieH,

You have shown a lot of courage by reaching out for help. Please do not feel that you are burdening others, you deserve to be heard and supported. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like it is really draining you and causing a lot of stress. I agree with Emmen as above. It must be especially difficult that your partner is siding with his family and not trusting you. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about how exhausted you are constantly feeling that you have to act like a completely different person around his family? If not, is there someone else that you are close to (your own immediate family or close friends) who you feel you can confide in and who knows what your partner is like?

Take care.

[BonnieH]

I have tried numerous times to discuss matters with him to solve/soothe/calm situations etc but he gets so very upset and tells me to respect his family thats the end of it, no we are not talking about this any longer, a dont look at me, dont touch me, dont talk to me attitude on his behalf arises and then yelling this only stops when i let him be and silent treatment sets in, but this has been happening for so long and i really need to discuss the situation and sort it out so that i can be around his family peacefully but i cant seem to break that wall with him and i become frightened of the yelling and start crying. I have been in a bad relationship before where my husband told me what to eat & you better not get fat, who to see (i was not allowed to have female friends because he was worried I would leave him for a girl) and when i was pregnant that partner told me it better be a boy if it isnt healthy i disown it and i disown you and youre out, so confrontation and yelling make me very scared.

[BonnieH]

thank you all for taking me in on this forum, I have tried to speak to my parents about this situation but they panic so much that my mum starts to cry and tell me that I need to come home so she can look after me. I hate making my parents upset and especially hate seeing them cry since they have their own issues in life and I do not want to be taken home and looked after like a little kid as i know my mum she is very smothering and it makes hard that my close family and friends live in a different state

[tranzcrybe]

Hi BonnieH,

How sad for you I feel.

If a family cannot accept you as your partner's choice, and value you for the character you are, along with the wisdom you bring, then I pity the family with such insular ideals as they will never expand their horizons or be open to change.

But if your partner also expects you to morph into a clone of the family ethic, then I would be questioning the integrity of the relationship where you are no longer considered unique, but rather a synthesis of the narcissistic idealisation that exists in a family that fears non conformity as opposed to embracing individuality.

You will not survive living a facade (and neither should you have to) and I would recommend your partner acquire a mannequin to which he can fashion and shape to his heart's content - that shall meet his requirements and satisfy familial small mindedness.

Yes, you should indeed show respect to family members but not at the expense of your own dignity.

Sorry also that your parents are not the right people to call on for assistance in this instance.

Regards,

t.

[BonnieH]

Been having a good few days, hubby seemed to be in such good mood all ok and this morning he just lost it and told me off for looking at him, stalking him, smothering him etc but I was only doing what i normally do for him in the morning and helping get him organised for work. once again if i dont look at him i get told off for for ignoring him or if i look at him he tells me off for checking up on him i try to give quick glances every now and then to balance it all out which when i write that it kinda sounds stupid but i want him to remain calm and have a positive day. i wish i knew if something else was stressing him which might help me understand things but he refuses to answer questions and he has been coming home from work and straight onto the ipad or phone to talk about his day/work with his family which upsets me as i would like to know whats happening too and might give something for us to talk about and connect with but i think his family know far more than i do. his family have been organising events/holidays and my say has not been included ive been told this is happening and you need to bring this, do this organise this when there are other things that i what to do and find much more joy in doing and would like to be asked what would you like to do, i was once asked to bring bread and onions to a bbq, which i did and i were told that these arent the type of bread and onions that our family normally have but i guess they will have to do for now so i do panic about even the smallest things and do research before attending an event so i hopefully dont give them a reason to be upset with me, writing this again and seeing it before me just seems so ridiculous but i want happiness and peace. why is happiness so hard to achieve & maintain, sadness seems so easy but why do i look around me and other people just seem to be happy and leading a life, a partnership that i so very much crave.

[Emmen]

Hi BonnieH,

I'm so sorry you have to go through this every few days. It can take its toll when you feel like you have to be on guard around your husband because he's not being open with you.

There are things that seem to point that your marriage is not in a good state. For one, he comes home and speaks to his family rather than you, the person who is right there. He keeps you excluded from his life, to the point that you don't know what's going on. Secondly, you're being excluded from family plans. His role as your partner is to ensure that you're included and that your wishes are taken into account. This is a job he is neglecting. I'm not sure how much his family knows about his treatment of you, and even if they did, they'll side with him. Lastly, his emotional unpredictability is concerning since he's taking something out on you. He isn't satisfied with you no matter what you do (e.g. if you look at him, it's smothering; if you don't, it's ignoring).

I wonder if you would be better off with marriage counselling (assuming you can convince him to go). Perhaps a start would be for you to tell him openly that you're unhappy with the way you're being excluded (point out to him how much time he spends talking to his family versus the time he spends talking to you). Given his attachment to them, try not to sound resentful of them, but something along the lines of "I want you to have a good relationship with your family, but I'd also like it if you could spend more time talking to me as well about the things that go on in your life".

Open communication may be the hardest thing to do, but it's usually the best way to get your feelings out into the open. Once both of you have said what you need to say, you can discuss ways to move forward where both parties are satisfied.

Kindly,
M

[BonnieH]

thankyou Emmen

unfortunately his family know nothing as far as theyre concerned he is a wonderful, supportive husband and i am lucky to have him, i would like to tell them things and maybe get some advice from them he does come from a very big family who are so very tight and i feel this very hard as i would be against the majority and i dont have the right to go behind his back and talk to his siblings because if i do that would just make him explode and i can only imagine the conversation after he finds out about me doing this would be you had no right to do so, it is his family not mine, i need to show them respect etc which is a conversation weve had before as for counselling i would like to do so but unfortunately i cannot see him wanting to as he has told me what happens within our relationship is not to be shared with others, which i believe is an excuse and really cant be bothered with the idea. it is strange sometimes to be surrounded by so many people and feel completely alone, to go to functions and to put on a face and feel like you are not revealing the true you, i do these things because i love him and i dont want to lose him.