Family doesn't like my husband

[Sandy1965]

Sorry for the long thread, but would appreciate any advice.
My husband and I have been having problems in our marriage for a while, and two years ago he flirted with a girl at his work. This came to my knowledge - we went through a very rough patch, went to marriage counselling, and ultimately worked it out. However, I was still resentful as he never truly apologised to me and expected me to forgive and move on.

Fast forward to just before Christmas, our marriage was struggling, he wasn't happy and I wasn't either. He then said that he wanted "out" of the marriage (we have been married 31 years) and he was done with counselling as he kept on saying that I just "can't move on".

Believing that my marriage was truly over, I confided to my older brother and told him everything. He was disgusted with my husband and advised me that I should leave the marriage and look forward to a peaceful life for myself.

About 3 weeks ago, my husband apologised, said he jumped without thinking saying that he wanted "out" of the marriage and wants to try again. He apologised sincerely. He doesn't want to throw away 31 years, nor do I, so we talked and agreed that we would really try and connect again with each other.

To now: My brother and my family are disappointed with me for me saying that I want to work on my marriage, with my husband (brother said he would never look at him the same way), etc.

We have two grown-up children - my son is supportive, yet my daughter can't stand her father and is against us getting together again.

I am at my wit's end - heartbroken, extremely anxious and feel that I can get physically and mentally broken down over all of this.

Please, I am looking for kind replies and strength how to deal with this.

Thanks so much.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Sandy,

Hope you are well considering what you are going through.

I have been married more than 36 years. Most of those years were very difficult and unhappy yet I am still here despite my husband being unfaithful several times. My adult children do not know everything but they know enough. I feel that they have lost respect for me for staying.

We were separated in 2019 to the end of 2020, when I had to move out to try to save myself and try to move on with making a life for myself.

I do regret trying to reconcile as my husband’s idea of reconciling is just take him back and move on and me forgetting all the terrible things he did. He hurt me terribly. Damaged me in fact.

To truly reconcile, you need to address his infidelity and it may take some time for you to once again feel safe in your marriage. I am sure you feel betrayed and traumatised by his actions.

What he did had nothing to do with you. He was just having his ego fed by someone else who did not have any care for him or especially not you.

Just this past Christmas my husband asked me to move out of our house. I was dumbfounded. Don’t be blind sided. He can’t do this back and forth with you anymore.

If he is truly committed to your marriage then your needs are priority. He needs to help fix this. Keep him committed to counselling and don’t ever let yourself be blamed for his actions. Some counsellors try to shift blame to the other partner. Don’t accept this.

He needs to also research the topic of trauma of infidelity and how this affects you, his wife.

Remember that you are the priority now. I wish you well and all the best. Fiatlux 🙏🏼