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Family breakdown

Hang10
Community Member

3 years ago I made contact with my father first time in my life ever at the age of 35.

Mum told me from a young age about my father family that they didn’t approve of me being born as my mother was a teenage pregnancy and not married as my father family was strict church followers.

I was born with no name of my father on my birth certificate and also I had my mum maiden name. I had no contact at all over the years from any one of my fathers family at all emotionally or financially.

Mum has done a great job on raising me as she sadly had 2 marriage that ended in divorce and after this a couple of domestic violence relationship that now have ended.

I always wondered why about my dad family of no contact at all over the years. They tried to get my mum to have an abortion and if she did they would pay her money for a holiday. They tried everything for me not to be born. Something happen I thinking a legal document that allow them my father family to have no ties with me at all.

I decided when to make contact with my father that I try my grandfather first as my mum said to me that my father wife if he was married may not know I existed. My grandfather was the one that mostly wanted me not to be born as it would look bad on him and his status in the church.

I find my grandfather number as he still lived in the same place as my mum knew when she dated my father. I message my grandfather saying who I was and that I like to see my father if he like to see me. That if they didn’t want too or if his wife didn’t know than I accept that.

My grandfather use this information and cause many problems my fathers wife didn’t know I existed and so didn’t the kids.

I end up seeing my father but his world and my world was polar apart. I had my struggles emotionally and financially.

Sadly I just couldn’t get the happy ending with my father. His wife really had strong issues and a lot of times my father would say when I visit we just had a fight and he look at me. I knew what troubles me coming into his life had caused.

I had car problems and need help with money this cause great problems as it made me look like I was after his money the vists got less.

I ended up writing an email as no matter what I do it just wouldn’t be good enough. I said that I never ever wanted his money and that I think it best for me to walk away.

I just disappointed that it never work. I been able to be the one that puts everything together but this I can’t. Felt disappointed and a failure

3 Replies 3

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Hang 10

I am sorry you are in such a pickle. Meeting family members you have not had contact with is a difficult process physically and emotionally. I can be very hard and disappointing as you have discovered.

I have to say I am quite disgusted at those who embrace a particular church or religion that frowns on unwed moms but is OK for that mom to have an abortion. I am not knocking any church with this as it is the people that make these 'rules' not usually the church.

It is hard to feel unaccepted by your birth father and half brothers and sisters. I can understand your father's wife may not be best pleased to learn her husband had a child she did not know about. It would be a shock to anyone. How did your father appear when you first met him? Did he appear happy to see you or wish you had not contacted him? Perhaps you could meet your father occasionally away from his home. Perhaps go out for a meal or coffee occasionally.

Have you made any plans for your future? Do you have your own family? Excuse me for asking all these questions, it's not nosiness. Just a getting a picture of you.

Mary

Hi Mary

Thanks for your reply, it was hard for my father as he knew that I existed that my mum had me after he left. He didn’t know my name or if I was a boy or girl.

Mum told me that she sent a photo of me when I was born to his parents but never got that photo or information of who i was.

I have no children, i live with my mum till I was 33. I have a disability but able to work and didn’t want to have children as it be a strong chance that my child would have one as well. My girlfriend has a disability and mother hood would be too much for her and I couldn’t cope with a child by myself either.

I had a few meetings with my father. I asked if he was ok if I was to change my last name to his like most sons and daughters are but he strongly didn’t approve of this. Even thoe I can without his blessing today.

He only come up and seen me 3 times in 3 years at my house. I live in a old place and they don’t like it. They often told me to move but the house is all I can afford I just thankfully I can live by myself.

My other half siblings. Two cause a few issues. One got married and her mother said that she may not have time to talk to me at the wedding. The wedding was only small and knew that she didn’t want me there.

Last time I went out with my father they walked so far in front of me and my girlfriend. It was liked they didn’t want to be seen with me.

When I do see him it only at his place now and it can only be at a certain date.

Last I seen him was early August his birthday was late August. I decided that I have to give him his birthday present 3 weeks early as they couldn’t fully tell me if I can see him on his birthday. Couple of people at the house no relation to me found it bizzare that I gave him a present 3 weeks early as I don’t live that far from him. If I didn’t get him a present on that day or not one at all it would look like I didn’t care.

I have one sibling who nice to me he email and said that he hope I still keep in contact with him. I say I would. But I weary that he be used to keep in contact me.

My father is a quiet man keep everything in. I quite open. He had health problems and nearing retirement. This added stress as most of the family don’t want anything to do with me has made me let it go fully for my father own health.

Hello Hang 10

Thanks for telling us more about yourself. It appears that your birth family is more concerned with appearances than being concerned about you. I can imagine your suspicion about the one sibling offering to keep in contact but he may be quite genuine. Perhaps you can talk about general matters rather than about your feelings for his family. Do you want to keep in contact with anyone from your birth family?

It seems the family do not approve of your accommodation. You can only live somewhere you can afford and their disapproval does not mean you should move to more expensive accommodation. How sad that appearances are more important to the family than a genuine care and concern for you. Iy does not sound as though they want to include you in the family.

I am so sorry you did not receive the welcome you thought you would get. That is hard to live with. However you have your girl friend. Does she live with you? It's nice that you have someone to help you. So sad you will not have your own children but you know best how the difficulties would impact on having children. Are you the only child of your mother? How is she going along? I take it you have told her about meeting your dad and his family.

Please continue to take care of yourself and your girl friend. Being with someone you love and who loves you is a great gift.

Mary