Falling back in love when love is gone?

[Guest_598]

Hi All,

when someone

• has fallen out of love with a person,
• has moved out a year ago,
• says the trust and attraction are gone,
• wants to move on but feels obligated to do the right thing (i.e. giving the old partner a chance to talk through all issues),
• told their old partner they wouldn't date or marry them given the person they are today, and
• there is another person they have feelings for,

is it likely that the love for the old partner comes back when they spend a few (2-3) weeks with together? Or is this likely the end and the meeting serves more the purpose of showing it's over and planning a clean separation?

[smallwolf]

Some of your post resonated with me - I saw myself in some of your words. You mentioned regret, trusting in his feelings, the life-long marriage. On marriage, that would depend on his upbringing and perhaps those around him. Then there is being able to manage the ups and downs. Maybe even ruminating what went wrong, what could have been handled differently etc. (Those last two bits are me and work, but relate to any type of relationship)

If you went back to someone for a period, what would you be looking for? At the same there is the other partner (which is really you) not really know what is going to happen as as you said "feeling terrible".

If I can use my work analogy for the last 2 bits - regrets etc. Some of that sounds like me living in the past. Wondering if I made the correct decisions. If I had of done something different where would I be now? The reality is that is just stuff that happened in the past. And at the time, a decision was made (if through indecision) and life went on. Even if something else had happened, a different decision, where he might now could be different again. Perhaps the indecision was actually the right thing at the time. This has sort of morphed into you and your partner. Point is, we just don't know. And I need to own decisions.

maybe in my ramblings of myself you might understand something of your partner. If you have any questions ... and I am listening to you, in the frustration of what you are going through.

Tim

[Guest_598]

Hi Tim,

thank you so much for taking the time and these are definitely not just ramblings. 🙂

I have a little more to add today because he saw a new psych and is really happy. It turns out that there was quite a bit of stuff in his childhood, e.g. mother not being very caring, father being subservient, mother treating the father harshly and demanding. So the psych said to him that he learned this as his known safety. As that was the only safety he knew, he went on to recreate that in his marriage because his ex fit into that, also not treating him very well, him becoming subservient and ultimately hating it. However, because this was the only safety setting he knows, he now feels that it is hard to move on because although that safety setting is not what he likes, it is scary and vulnerable to lose the safety net. So the psych said to him that he needs to work on creating safety for him alone - irrespective of which relationship he is in. That includes his difficulties to make an effort to create new friendships, because he always feels unsafe in those scenarios. Our relationship is totally different - I am by nature a person that loves caring and looking after people. So at the moment, he does not know how to handle that because he is not used to someone looking after him and really caring about his needs rather than just their own.

It was a big revelation and gave him a bit more clarity. He says, he may finally be able to make a decision now that he knows what is holding him back and that it is not the marriage or love. He still wants to spend more time with the ex to talk through all that but I am hoping that those conversations will not make him uncertain again. I am sure he does not have feelings of love for her anymore, just yesterday he said he gave her the hard truth again and told her that the love he had for her is gone. It broke her and he feels bad about that. I tried to comfort him in the fact that he does not need to feel bad for the truth and that he is doing the right thing to her by telling her nothing but the truth. But he feels bad and unfair anyway, so he says he has to give her the time of day and not be so harsh and distant while he sees her on his trip. I am scared that their conversations may bring back confusion and a desire to work things out but I simply cannot see this as probable. Especially not with me in the picture and he clearly loves having me in his life. Ah, this is so confusing but at least a little clearer today.

[smallwolf]

Hi again,

Changing the way our minds think can be tricky when you are so used to it working in a particular way. Having clarity and knowing what is holding someone back can be helpful - it is for me, but not for everyone. If I can understand where some thought or behaviour comes from I can work out ways of dealing with it. There was one time when I also spoke to my psychologist about getting some sort of closure - in the same session though I realised that it would not accomplish anything, what was done is done and I cannot change that.

And if you are being assertive to another person when you are not used to it, it would feel normal to feel worse than usual. I don't think that anyone would like to be told the love is gone. In this situation you also need to remember he may have some of his father's subservient nature as well.

It would clearly be nice to know that he would come back to you, and in all probability he will based on how you ended your post. Is your concern in the timing of all of this? Would you rather the 'ex' not be in the picture? Your concern in this matter would be normal.

Have you been able to tell him about your concerns in terms of "I" statements? For myself, I have to do with my wife sometimes and I will start something like "there is something I need to say. I feel...." and/or "this might sound odd, and it is how my mind see things so please bear with me..." which can be much better than the alternative.

Speak to you later,

Tim

[White_Rose]

Hello AussieGal

Thank you for clarifying the situation. I had not realised you were talking about your partner and his ex.

I think there is always some desire to return to the past where we have made a major decision and wonder if we should have made a different decision and would that have turned out better. The reality is we cannot recreate the past. Once done it's gone and we sometimes need to learn to live with that regret. There is no way of knowing what would have happened if we had turned left instead of right at the crossroad because has been made and any mistake is wrapped in the past.

I get the impression this is similar to what his psych is saying. We all have to live with regret and disappointment no matter how hard we try to change the past. The past has gone. In relation to what you are going through I must say I would be anxious. Not so much that he does not care about you or that his feelings may change, but that he may decide he needs to return to his wife. I feel this is your biggest concern.

If I may suggest, keep in contact with him by text or phone just to keep him aware that you have not left his life. I love that he has made a huge step forward in recognising you really care and do not want to dictate his life but want him back as an equal partner. That is a gift to both of you. Keep going.

Mary

[Guest_598]

Hello again,

thank you so much for your responses.

I just had another question based on Mary's last message. I do agree that my main worry is that he will go back but at the same time, my gut tells me that he is past the point of no return and just needs to show to himself that the feelings are lost for good and there is nothing else that could have been done. He is very clear with her on the lost feelings and I honestly doubt they will come back. Especially considering his trust issues with her.

So do you really believe this should be a big concern for me? Somehow, I cannot imagine that two weeks (which he will not all spend with her every day) would be sufficient to have conversations that really change something so fundamentally. I believe it would take a huge change to change his heart.

[White_Rose]

Hello AussieGal

If your BF cares about you he will stay. I feel certain he will not get the idea he should stay with the ex in case she needs him or anything of that sort. You both have the relationship with each that you want, even if gets a bit sticky round the edges at times. This is normal in relationships especially at the start.

I left my husband nearly 20 years ago. My decision. I found it uncomfortable to be at the same family functions as him but although I missed one granddaughter's birthday party I did not stay away in general. We did talk, usually civilly, but I found this very hard for many years. I think your BF will feel very similar to this. I wanted to never see him again but this was impracticable so learned to tolerate the situation. I think neither of us would relish a reunion but we can talk. We have four children and eight grandchildren and I am not prepared to make their lives uncomfortable.

Not sure if your BF has children with his ex wife. If he does I can understand if he wants to see them but this need not be at his wife's home. I gather there are no children but it does change the situation if there are children. Once he has decided he has done the best he can to help his ex-wife I think you can start to set up your own home together. And build memories and happiness.

Try to be a bit patient. I know it's like like holding back the tide but remember it is only for a couple of weeks which will pass.

Not sure what else I can say to help you but very willing to continue chatting.

Mary

[Guest_598]

Thank you so much, Mary. That really helped and was very lovely. 🙂

[White_Rose]

Hello AussieGal

I'm just dropping by to see how you are going. How do you feel? It's been a week since your BF was going to talk with his his ex. How is that going?

Remember you can continue to write in here as often as you wish to ask questions, vent, etc.

Mary

[Guest_598]

Hi Mary,

Thanks so much for checking in. My partner is actually not due to fly out until next weekend, then he'll be away for 2.5 weeks. I am terrified, although we have again had some beautiful times together and I am pretty sure his heart is with me and he knows what he wants. He told me yesterday that he told his psychologist that he has lived alone for a year now, has no love for his ex, no yearning and no desire to walk up to her with open arms saying "let's try it again". So I want to trust that and hope that the time spent with her will not rekindle anything. I actually don't think it will, he seems pretty set on his feelings and I think his mind has already fully separated from that marriage. With the exception of one bit and that is that he is scared of taking the final step and telling her there really is no more chance for them. He went to a nee psych the other day and they found out that the reason he feels something is holding him back from leaving her out of his life entirely is the feeling of fake safety. The psych says that he learned this bad kind of safety as a child through watching his parents and so he later tried to recreate or find it in his relationship. He hates it but because that is the image of safety he has known all his life, it is hard for him to let go. He knows he needs to take a real step of action during those 2.5 weeks because everyone, including him, is hurting. But I am worried he will not be courageous enough. He also knows that she has manipulated him a fair bit in the past, so I am scared she might try that again.

I know he wants out but he is scared of cutting the safety net although it's a kind of safety he doesn't want in his life. He's made great progress at the psych and is finally focusing much more on himself which helps him a lot. But I'm worried it's too late in the piece. And if he comes back from Brisbane and she is still part of our life with all the uncertainty around it, I will have to call it a day. Purely for my mental health. But I would be so heartbroken because I believe we could have an amazing future & we are both very aware of that great potential. He says he needs to do something while he's there because every day now he feels on the verge of a heart attack. But what if he lacks courage? I don't think this situation is bearable for him anymore, so do you think he may be able to muster the strength purely for self-preservation, to not lose me & because he'll have seen the feelings stay dead?

[White_Rose]

Hello AussieGal

Sorry to take so long to reply. Unfortunately I have been unwell for a few days and needed to rest.

It is amazing how much strength we can find when it comes to the crunch. I spent a long time making up my mind to leave my husband and it was hard. I also depended on him to a large extent which complicated the whole thing. Eventually I was able to tell him I was leaving, find a new home and settle in. It was very hard but I got there even though at times I wasn't sure if I had the strength and courage. I do have some idea of your BF struggles and I also believe he will make it through because this is what he really wants.

He has you to support him and he knows that you love him and want to make a new life together. These things may not be obvious all the time. Other considerations get in the way but when he remembers these central facts it will help him to stay strong. And he will remember when the going gets a bit tough because he wants to be with you. No matter if the ex tries to manipulate him. Tell him to hold the future with you in his mind and he will get through this hard time. Sounds a bit trite I know but it's true. When you talk to him, text, email , voice etc. remind him you are waiting to welcome him home. Everyone needs a helping hand now and then and some reassurance we are doing the best we can. It will all be OK.

In many ways it is harder for you as you can do nothing, or little, to change the situation. Simply being available is an amazing help. Try to put your fears aside. I know it's hard but you also need to be strong. Try not to forecast the future or what actions you feel you may need to take. It only makes you more anxious and when the time comes to make decisions you can decide then. Borrowing trouble, so to speak, does nothing to help your peace of mind. Be as positive as you can.

Does this mean you will not be spending Christmas together? That's a pity. Christmas is a time to strengthen bonds so focus on that and tell yourself you can get through it. I have no doubt you have the ability.

Mary