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Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello all,

Feeling pretty miserable right now and don't know where to turn but...just looking for a bit of moral support. A pick me up, if you will.

Been in a relationship with a lovely person for about 5 months. We've had our fair share of ups and downs. I won't go into detail because it's kind of irrelevant.

Just ended tonight. Not exactly mutual, but it was something I had been thinking about as well and we both knew it was going to be a make-or-break.

I'm just pretty exhausted because I tried really hard when I saw there was a lot of potential for a long term relationship. But in the end, she didn't feel like she could continue on because of my on-going battle with fear of abandonment, which basically leads me to do things which can feel like emotional manipulation. And even if it subsided, it would be a constant fear in the back of her mind, and she didn't think it would ever go away.

So we've parted ways amicably. I'm super sad about this. And pretty devastated that it came about because I haven't been able to control my BPD traits completely. I understand where she's coming from though. It just hurts.




24 Replies 24

Community Member

Hi James. Of course it hurts! I'm really sorry it ended that way, but I hope you can and will remain friends.

Its not an easy task for our partners to deal with our MH issues. In fact sometimes I think it may be harder for them in some ways than it is for us. Are you still working on overcoming the issue of your fear of abandonment, perhaps with your psych? It would be nice to think that we can change for the better, learn from our mistakes, fix our known faults. Unfortunately it doesnt work quite that way. But James dont give up looking for another partner, it sounds like this particular lady was just not 'the one'. When the right lady comes along, they will see past your issues, and be prepared to accept you for the beautiful caring human being that you are.

It's going to hurt for ages, make no mistake, but hang in there.

Sherie xx

Community Champion
Community Champion

Thanks Sherie. I said it would be nice to catch up again at some point down the track. Don't know if it'll happen, but we did make a good team and had lots of fun doing things together. I just think we probably would've made better friends than being joined at the hip. The immovable parts of our personalities just clashed a bit too much.

Yeah, it was definitely hard on her. She put it pretty well - the relationship just wasn't going to be fair on her and wasn't fair on me. It wasn't something she ended up wanting to deal with and I think it just took a little bit of time for her to come to the realisation that it would always be a persistent thought.

I am trying to work on it, but...yeah. It's quite disheartening having this happen for the third time in a serious relationship, and quite a few times in the dating phase.


Big giant hugs to you James. Of course it hurts to lose someone we care about. At least you took a chance and will remain friends. Great relationships are based on the greatest friendships. Keep strong. Xx

Hi James,

I hear the sadness, heartache and disappointment in your words. You're hurting...

Breakups sting immensely or I suppose some people go numb too. I guess my point is they are horrendous to experience, either way.

Hey, you gave the relationship your best shot, given who you are, given who she is and given your MH struggles. You did your best and that's all one can ever do. Sure, I realise saying that doesn't take away your pain and loss but I'm trying to say, hey, you tried. There's merit in effort and good intentions.

I have no advice or words of wisdom and somehow I doubt that's what you're after. Just know that I'm thinking of you. Cry if you need to. Whip out the ice-cream bucket if need be. Do whatever you need to do to grieve the relationship.

Sending Kind thoughts,

Pepper xoxo

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi James,

I wish I had advice... I don't.

Asked my psychiatrist about the fear of abandonment this week in psychotherapy and he just gave me a question in return...

What makes you feel like you're not worth sticking around for?

I couldn't answer this either. I've been married for 5 years,we have 2 kids and constantly think it's only a matter of time before he gives up on me. It sucks. Horrible defeating feeling. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Glad you'll stay friends though.

Not helpful I'm sorry. I'll just sit here with you and keep you company.


PS New avatar? Who is this kitty? My son would catnap him/her in a heartbeat for cuddles.

Hello James

So very sad for you. It's so hard when you have worked hard to make this relationship be successful and then it falls apart. I'm also sad you believe it's due to your MI. It may well be true that some of your characteristics pose some difficulties in relationships but that is not the whole you. You write here with such intuitive responses which I believe also come from your MI and for someone to say one part of you means she cannot cope with you is a bit bit of a facer.

I guess we have all gone through this in our lives. Doesn't help you James does it. But it does show we have been hurt in the same manner and lived to fight another day. Meanwhile, you do terrific things here and we very happy you came along.


Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey guys,

Thanks for the support. I do agree and think we both gave it our respective best go's, and that's probably the most disappointing part. We both really wanted, and knew how, to make it work. Just...one thing which I'm trying to work on ended up getting in the way. And it's the same thing that broke down my previous ones as well.

I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself right now. The concept of having to find things to fill out my spare time on my own, yet again, is just...blargh.

Mental health wise, I don't think I've started going down that path yet, but I do worry about going down a different path to the same place. Previously it was a lot of negative self talk. Now it's...defeat. I'm trying to focus less on that though. I have a party we were meant to host tomorrow, so it'll just be me hosting now. I'm going to go ahead with it and hope it goes alright. It's just 7 of my friends.

Quercus - ha, no the cat was from a cat cafe in Japan. And I don't know the answer to that as well. I just know it's my internal truth that people just can't keep a hold of me in their mind. It might not even be to do with me. It could just be that other people are untrustworthy. But I suspect it's both.

Mary - Thanks, I do think that I do get some benefits from my 'personality disorder', but it is just frustrating that the other parts can cause such issues. I think it's just tricky because I don't want to blame it, but at times it just feels like I have zero control. And when that happens, it's hard to see a brighter future.


Hello James

I do hate it when I'm feeling good and something zooms in from left field and rips me apart again. I don't even see it coming.

If I remember correctly you have BPD. I thought there were specific programs which had been developed to treat this. Have you been involved in any of these? I am unsure what they are but your psych should know.

If it's any consolation I think all our MI can have a disastrous effect on relationships. I think someone mentioned on another thread that sometimes MI is harder on a partner than the unwell person. What do you think? I suppose we at least can feel it while for others it's reading signs and hoping to do the right thing. Still it's hard to feel your relationships can be lost because you have an illness that is hard to treat. Whoops, not offended are you James? My tact is not fully functional today.

When I left my marriage I decided I would never be involved with anyone again. I could not see how I could trust anyone and I think that included me. Sometimes I wish that I could go back to the yes sir, no sir, life I had. Not enjoyable but not alone. Then I think "What are you talking about? Look at how much nicer your life is now". I think I have used up all my tolerance for living with someone.

James you are a great bloke. I am often in awe when I read your posts, such sensitivity and insight. Maybe this is the answer. Writing to others and seeing how many times your words have been helpful must be good. Looking at someone's difficulties from the outside can help us to see ourselves more clearly.


Hi James ,

Sorry things didn't work out again, l've also just split with my gf and l suspected she might've been bhp.

Had such hopes for us we had so much that it was even looking like divorce and whole lives had all worked to bring us together. But thing thing with her , l just couldn't find a way of dealing with it.

So l was wondering , how would you describe your problems with her , how did they come out , what sort of things would happen and mess things up ?

Was there anything , or responses , or any way to handle you she could have done to make it better for you and put you at eases . help you get on top of the out bursts or whatever your thing was ?

Any details would be great if you felt like it.

How did the party go ,hope you had some fun.