Exhausted and lost

[Rosepetals]

Hi there,

First time doing something like this but I don’t know what else I can try!
My partner and I have been together for the past 2.5 years, engaged, blended family I have 3 kids he has 4 kids. Everything has been great and our relationship was amazing until just recently. He is a FIFO working too but loves working away and enjoys his job.
I have been dealing with a lot with finding out I need a hysterectomy, one of my children moving to her dads because she has fallen into the wrong crowd and failing at school.
After finding out that the choice of having anymore children was taken away from me, I have been emotional as you can understand as my partner and I were talking about having a child together before finding this out. So I was guttered but he was focusing on the positive side going on holidays ect.
His last swing away I needed his support as that’s when I found out this information and he started to get distance with me that was a month ago. When he got home he was disconnected, not wanting to give support and didn’t care if I was hurting. He told me that he is feeling depressed, lost, confused and wants to be alone but it has nothing to do with me, our relationship or what I am going through. I try to put my own issues aside to try and be there for him and support him through whatever he is going through. He has refused medical help of any kind. Everything he has asked for he has received and I mean everything. He went back to work, stopped calling me every night, I message he will ignore me, I call him he doesn’t pick up, he has stopped calling me pet names, stopped with an affection at all, he is getting angry and frustrated with me all the time, doesn’t want to talk about us/his feeling/our future nothing! Then started to say he might go and stay at his dads when he is home next week because he wants to be alone. I am now on day the 4th day of him not contacting me at all and I am now at the point I am a mess. My anxiety is through the roof, I am having panic attacks and it’s affecting my children. I don’t know if he is coming home! I am in limbo and I have wrapped my whole life around him including my job (i gave up a full time job) because of the fifo life. Now I feel heart broken, alone and that my whole life is falling apart. How do I help someone who doesn’t want help and wants to destroy everything we have built when I truely was so great?
Thank you x

[jtjt_4862]

Hi there Rosepetals,

A big warm welcome to the forums, and you're doing great posting your story here! I'm really glad that you were able to share your thoughts and concerns.

I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened... I had to look up what hysterectomy was, and it's shocking to learn what it is... The thought of not being able to have a child together with your partner must've been devastating, and heart breaking, as it was something that the two of you have been looking forward to a lot. On top of that, you have to manage your own life and anxiety, and your partner is not able to support you due to his own mental health. That's really rough...

A person who goes through depression would push their loved ones away, as they are afraid of hurting them while they go through their own battles. We want that person to get better soon, and would do anything to help them get better and casting aside our own needs to help fix them. Unfortunately this is something that only they are able to figure out themselves, and we shouldn't take it personally. Mainly because when someone goes into depression, they seem themselves not worthy of the life that they're having. If we try to convince and change ourselves to help fix them, it'll only cause more pain to both ourselves and them because they don't believe they deserve that level of care and love, while we're doing something that's beyond our boundaries. We can only gently support them from the sides, and remind them that we're there for them if they ever feel like reaching out once more. We can also encourage them to seek professional help, who will be able to diagnose, and point them to the right direction as well.

Amidst all your problems that you have going on with you, to be able to show that level of support to your partner is really courageous and strong of you. But while supporting him, please remember to take care of yourself as well. Give both him and yourself some space to sort things out, and show yourself some self-love. Do you have relatives/friends/family members whom you can reach out to talk about it? Rest assure you're not alone Rosepetal, and the forums are also filled with friendly and supportive people too. Please look after yourself first, and happy to listen to you more if you'd like to chat more too. Stay strong!

Jt

[Rosepetals]

Hi JT

yes I have family and friends that are there and have been trying to support me throughout all of this.
My partner has contacted me for the first time in 5 days and says then when he gets back into town he is going to stay “elsewhere” for the first day and then he is coming home to talk!
I feel like I am being lead on because he keeps telling me I have done nothing wrong but now we need to sort things out? I am so confused on what to do!
my oldest which is a teenager is having melt downs because she fears he isn’t going to come home, my partner and her are very close. She feels like every father figure leaves her and to be honest I don’t blame her.
I am trying to protect my children and his because I love his kids like they are my own and I have a great relationship with all of them but now I fear I will never see them again!
I don’t want my relationship to end I know who he has become isn’t truely him, I don’t know this person. I love our life together, our relationship as it was I just don’t want him to do damage that be undone especially to all the kids.
I have tried to encourage him to get help but he has said it didn’t help him in the past so why would it help now! I tried to encourage him to speak to a doctor for medication to level his head out so it will be a bit easier to deal with things and he just got angry with me.
talking to him about what makes him feel better, I have encourage him to do those things, get out of the house to do something he enjoys, I even brought him a switch to take away with him to help with his head as games he enjoys, giving him space not contacting him at all, even looking after his kids when we had them so he could have space. I have tried everything he has asked for and it’s not enough!
I am not stuck because with out him I will have to sell my house and move just so I can keep a roof over my children’s head. I am not only going to lose him but 4 kids and my whole life as it is. I have wrapped my whole life around him and now it feels like I am going to lose everything with it

[Sophie_M]

Hi Rosepetals,

It sounds like there is a lot going on for you and your family. We agree with jtjt_4862's comments, and we hope you find that helpful.  We can hear how much you're hurting, and we want to let you know that you're not alone with this.

Our phone lines and webchat are always here for you, staffed by lovely people who can help you talk it through at any time of day or night on 1300 22 4636. 

You might find it helpful to have a look at some of the resources on our website, particularly our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone through a difficult time. We can hear you want to be a supportive partner, but we want you to know your own wellbeing is important too, so please don’t hesitate to pick up the phone and speak to us at any moment. 

If you want to chat to expert that can help you talk through your relationship you can always get in contact with Relationships Australia. They have a specific number for each state which you can find on their website as well as heaps of useful information https://www.relationships.org.au/  It's so good that you've been able to share here. We really hope it helps you to talk, and to hear from people on the forums. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Rosepetals,

That's great that your partner reached out to you, and wanting to discuss things with you. It is as you said, you have done nothing wrong, and it can certainly feel confusing and personal thinking if you've done something wrong to cause him to be like this. But what you're experiencing is him in his state of depression, where his mental state is in a really dark lonely place. Not to say that's not him at all, but rather, it is him in a different mental state.

It's wonderful that you've made a great connection with his kids as well, and for you to take care of his kids while he went away, is really strong of you to be doing so. You've even gone as far as getting him a Switch which in hoping that it'll help him while he goes away. I'm sure he really appreciates what you've done for him while he tries to deal with himself. But people with depression finds it really difficult to connect with people on an emotional level, or even reciprocate any love and kindness, because they're overwhelmed by their own thoughts and a cocktail mix of emotions that will take lots of time for them to process. I feel, he may be feeling a lot of guilt for not being able to be with you and his kids because he needs to take care of his mental health first.

Though I'm still learning about depression, but I feel they aren't broken human beings. It's just part of who they are, with an extra side of themselves that they do not wish for anyone to see at all. We can encourage them to seek professional help, letting them know that the option for seeking help is there for them to take at their own pace. But forcing solutions onto them, and hoping for a quick fix may just make matter worse. It'll take a lot of patience, love and care to help support someone going through depression. But sometimes doing so can also affect your own mental health, as negativity can be contagious. So it is important to look after yourself first before caring for someone going through a mental health episode.

I'm really sorry to hear about the tremendous amount of commitment that you've put for your partner, only to receive little to no reciprocation because of his mental health. It has put you into a tough position... Perhaps hear him out when he gets home, and you'll be able to get a better picture on what you need to do from there. For now, please take care of yourself and your kids, do something nice together with them, while you wait for your partner to return home. Happy to chat more.

Jt

[Rosepetals]

Thank you both so much for the support today has been a hard day and I don’t know what’s going to happen with my partner. What you have said JT makes a lot of sense with how he is acting so I really appreciate your words.
I hope he can open up to me and we can work together to help him through this, I keep reminding him I am here and that I love him, I just hope he reaches out when he ready.
I just don’t want to lose him because of his depression he is an amazing man and a great dad even to my kids. He is the one I trusted when I said I would never trust again, he opened my heart again when I swear I wouldn’t.
Even if I lose him I just want him to be ok because I still care about his well-being even when I am hurting so much.
I am trying to hold everything together and protect everyone but I know I still need to look after myself. I am trying my hardest to help myself I just feel like I am in limbo and I don’t have a direction because I don’t know what he wants to do.
I will call the help line tonight for some more support because if I fall into depression I will useless to my kids and I can’t have that happen