Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

[Guest_7403]

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

[Guest909]

Just when you think you are getting on top of things, "The Fickle Finger of Fate", bring you crashing back down to where you started.

After 12 months of negotiations, I finally got my wife to agree to arbitration later this year. Just when I thought things were looking promising; just when I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel; I learnt that she engaged a high priced criminal barrister (QC) to represent her at the family law arbitration hearing. No prizes for guessing where she is going with a criminal barrister. It's a bit like asking a butcher to remove a bad kidney. Anyway, I'm half expecting an IVO of my own between now and arbitration.

How are things going with the your false IVO? Have you made a decision to defend or just let it slide?

Cheers

[Guest_7403]

It does always feel like something is always there to destroy your progress

I chop and change depending on my outlook on life on each day

Some days I want to fight some days i dont want to

Ive got a few months still to figure it out

Its been a tough night looking forward to falling and sleep and hopefully resetting

Alot of tears tonight, worries, ruminations, why did she do this? Not been a good day at all

[Guest909]

"Alot of tears tonight, worries, ruminations, why did she do this?"

I'm asking the same question? The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. The irony is that in the process of destroying my life, she has also destroyed her herself. For some strange reason she thinks a criminal barrister (QC) is going to fix the problem.

Anyway, these days I'm more interested in sorting out the legal mess she has created. It gives me something to work towards.

[Guest_7403]

It just never ends, this woman has taken everything from me and now today I get this...

So early in May she messaged and said she was going to set up child support so she could claim centrelink benefits, told me she going to set it to private collection and that she didnt want a cent from me..

Today I get a letter in the mail from CS stating that she has called and requested they collect on her behalf, so they have sent me a bill backdated to the start of may and want this month's pay aswell.

I just cant believe it, she took out an IVO on me to block me having access to my daughter as I was telling her I wanted shared custody, she flat out refused shared custody and then put the ivo on me to completely block me from trying

Now does this with child support, shes such a vindictive evil person and the system is set up to allow her to do all these things without challenge.

I have no issue with child support in principle, but when the other parent (me) is willing and able to have there child shared custody and wants that....it is completely ridiculous that I can be charged the full amount just because the other parent refuses to share your child.

She left me with 45k debt, im on a minimal wage because im on work cover and i dont have a cent to my name as im trying to keep a roof over my head alone now

Its no wonder so many take there lives in this situation

I can no longer afford food, petrol. My cars no longer registered cause I couldn't pay it......i just want this woman out of my life and there's nothing I can do about it

I dont want to live like this for the next 16 years with this woman constantly harassing me at every turn....i just want to get on with my life

I have no right to legal aid, and cannot afford to take legal proceedings against her for shared custody....im completely screwed

[Sophie_M]

Hi Theborderline,

We're so sorry to hear what you're going through right now, but please know we're here to provide as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We want you to know help is always available to you and things can get better.

We'd really encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 and one our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you. Our friends at Lifeline are also available anytime on 13 11 14, or you can also get in touch with Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 (or through 24/7 webchat here: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au)

Please keep checking in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it. We're all here to help you through this.

[Guest909]

The system is on the nose - we all know that.

I did read a newspaper article some time back where someone, just like you, committed suicided after getting a similar letter from CS. It would appear that nothing has changed.

That being said, if you can't change the system, use the system just like your wife has. By that I mean, talk to someone senior in child services, explain your financial situation; explain that you cannot pay what you don't have. Given that you are on work cover, and in severe financial hardship, they may reassess the case. If you don't tell CS, they won't know. Worth a try.

In regard to the debt ($45K) that your wife left you with, you do realise that the debt is joint debt. Half of that debt is hers; you might want to keep that in mind.

Let us know how you go with CS.

[Guest909]

Further to my previous post, if you don't qualify for legal aid, nobody does. Worth a phone call.

There is another avenue for legal help through the "Men's Legal Service". They are a not-for-profit organisation. If their service is not free, it is substantially less than the market fee. Also worth a phone call.

Have a look at this web site; read the dot points under, "Our mission is ...", on the right hand side of the page.

https://menslegalservice.org.au/about-us/

You have to be proactive if you want change for the better.

[Guest_7403]

Past week has been pretty ordinary, im struggling to stay motivated.

Had been averaging 10 to 15kms walks everyday and going to the gym, body is in pretty good shape.

But since losing the gym last week thanks to covid lockdown again my positive outlook has dissapeared.

Ive been for one walk in 6 days, struggling to motivate myself to workout at home.

With covid lockdown, my trauma program being cancelled and the wife blind siding me on child support payments (breaking our agreement in a month) its just been to much for me to deal with....i was on top of uni and pressing forward but now i sit here completely disinterested in it....

I bought a bench press off ebay to get me by until the gym opens again, and of course my luck the seller despatched it and the freight agency doesn't know where it is. Considering im 30 minutes from the place I bought it from its ridiculous that 7 days later its not here and they don't know where it is. (It was something I was looking forward to as a motivator)

Been doing my schema flash cards as per the psych done like 10 of them, when i have an outburst or spiral.....i understand the concept but it makes no difference in my perception of where life is going.

Feel exhausted from trying all the time, itd be nice for the dice to fall my way every once in a while

[quirkywords]

The borderline,

You are trying hard and you keep trying and it must be frustrating at times.

If you can find that dice that will fall our way some time soon, let me know.

[Guest909]

"Feel exhausted from trying all the time, itd be nice for the dice to fall my way every once in a while"

To wait for luck is the same as waiting for death. ~ Japanese Proverb

It does not matter which culture you come from, most of the proverbs seem to say that you "make you own luck". After recent events, I don't know if I agree about that entirely, but it does make some sense.

Did you have a word with Child Support and/or the Men's Legal Services?