Ex wife upsetting me - trying to move forward

[Guest_7403]

My wife left me 6 weeks ago because my cptsd was out of control and I wasn't making any efforts to get better.

I went to a private mental hospital for two weeks in an attempt to start my recovery.

Whilst in there she reached out and said maybe she'd like to try, she went back and forth the entire time and basically disrupted my hospital stay, upsetting me daily.

When I got home, she came over from her mums and hugged and kissed me, she did this for three days straight.

I messaged her on day 4 and said I felt really good and thought we had a real shot at this, she replied and told me that the romantic kissing meant nothing and she only did it to make me feel better.

I was upset and very hurt by her actions, as it meant more to me then nothing.

I awoke the next day to a message telling me she loves me but she doesn't want to try, doesn't want to continue and to respect her decision and not contact her.

So i haven't as I just want to heal and move on with my life and accept my marriage is over.

She works at my work and when I return from my work cover itll be hard to see her.

But today I get a knock at the door, and it's the police doing a welfare check on me saying that my wife has called and is concerned for my safety because I haven't messaged her and I haven't responded to my work place.

This is a lie, I spoke to management last week about my health and future plans.

I recieved a msg from my boss saying he's here to talk if I need anything just before the police arrived.

It's upset me, as I have respected her wishes, have done nothing wrong.

And now she's discussing my mental state with my bosses and making me out to be unstable which is untrue.

I just want this nightmare to end and move forward with my love. This just makes going back harder.

[ecomama]

Hi guys
I agree about the narc comment I made and I am not qualified to make that diagnosis. She may or may not be, ofcourse.

To me it's "Oxygen mask on self first" and whatever strategies I can learn in dealing with a difficult person is empowering and whatever promotes action to resolve, then good. Google has been my friend in these instances 🙂

But, in the absence of professional diagnoses lol "if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck - it's a duck" to me or perhaps "ducklike" 🙂

W is quite ducklike. Narcissism has a spectrum but it's only helpful thinking this way if we can use strategies to help us along our journey. It's not for blame or whatever, only to help us make realisations and get on with it. We can tackle it better if we can see the forest for trees.

Honestly the person I thought was a narc in my life was actually a narcissistic psychopath so I was WAY off. I've given people the 'benefit of the doubt' way too much before. Now it's easy lol.

EM

[geoff]

Hello Theborderline, I too am very sorry for what has been happening and agree with Mr Paul and EM and what is happening, and believe what she is doing, is that she's playing the game with you.

This is certainly not the way for you to get any better.

Geoff.

[Guest_7403]

Thanks guys I'm doing my best to move on alone, but am terrified of starting my life again at 36.

I'll be working fulltime again in 4 weeks,
I've signed up to a bachelor of psychology science at university,
I'll be starting the PTSD out program when it returns after covid and starting a psych trauma specialist on the 25th this month.

And I'll be doing dbt at a clinic later this year after the ptsd program.

I've got all these things lined up and some positive things to look forward too, but I am struggling to comprehend my marriage being over and being alone.

[Guest909]

Hi TBL

A few comments!

"but am terrified of starting my life again at 36"

That is exactly what I am doing in my 60's. It's even harder when you don't know why the marriage failed in the first place.

"but I am struggling to comprehend my marriage being over and being alone."

Those are the thoughts of a rational person; unfortunately you wife does not think that way.

From what you have shared, I'm guessing that your marital problems will get worse before they improve. I'm not trying to be negative, just a realist.

I'm currently going through a "high conflict divorce" that has dragged on for 12 months and will most likely drag on for another year or two. When you are dealing with a spouse with an unknown personality disorder every minor, insignificant issue turns into a major drama.

As I said previously, keep a good log of events and dates, you may need them once legal proceeding begin.

Cheers

[ecomama]

Crikeys you guys, it's really going on for both of you right now.

TBL omg THIRTY SIX? Come on man, really! reverse that number and you'd be close to my age lol. Basically you're really covering this caper. You are INCREDIBLE in the way you've sought support, put it in place and now beginning study too? wow.

Sorry but the marriage being over will probably turn out to be a really positive thing, you may be thankful one day that it only lasted 3y, I was glad mine ended but it was a lot longer. Hate saying it but there it is. On an emotional level you may have grief to process as well as working things out for your life. List the positive, supportive people in your life and add your kids lol and there is your support network plus here. You'll probably meet lots of wonderful people in your courses who become friends too. Who knows? The world is your oyster 🙂

Mr Paul ughhh yep I'm feeling for you right now too. Acrimonious divorces are NOT the way to go but when the other party has hatred or $$ for brains, well we have to get through that tunnel. Mine took 5y in Courts, but I cleverly crafted preparation with a billion calls and reading thousands of pages of Family Law. Thank God for my counsellor. All over now, I "won" basically. There are no real winners in Family Law Court but exH would've been sorry he ever lodged and did everything possible to drag it out.

"Water finds it's own level" and with some, it's a swamp. ExH is slurping around over there in some swamp. We have water views.. lol... literally and figuratively.

Google was my friend. The 180 technique and Gray Rock were brilliant allies in my journey. No Contact was better.

Hang in there, it gets much better on the other side.
EM

[Guest909]

Hi EM

Yikes! Please tell me that the five years was a typo.

Do you have any tips on how to deal with a high conflict spouse; I would like to get the legal matters out of the way before I end up in a nursing home.

After multiple threats of an AVO/DVO/IVO that amounted to nought, my "good wife" has now decided to playing the "Kennon card". Her Kennon argument will fail, but it will succeed in running up unnecessary legal costs and delaying settlement that should have been sorted 6 month ago.

Every day is a new adventure!

[ecomama]

Mr Paul, yes c5 years in 4 Courts from sep'n to divorce / settlement. No typo. 😞

A lady I know is in 9th year. Over $250k legals. Another I know cost her $500k in legals.

Kennon hey, lucky you. I understand that usually FL judges aren't interested if there is no evidence to show. Yet another tactic to wear you down, drag it out, so you give in & walk away.

I used my own tactics that worked INCREDIBLY well. I should write a book, that's how many tactics I used. Zero alcohol. Steely focus. Relaxed demeanour. Always dress up to the 9s. Look extremely professional when you go to Court. I had a wheely bag with all my docs in them and everyone thought I was a lawyer lol.

ZERO eye contact with ex at all times. Zero eye contact with anyone ex is with. Put your back to her at all times outside Courts.

I put photos on FB that were of a completely different time. I saved them for during the FL Court period. Sure ex was not a 'FB friend' but people can breach virtually any walls on FB, ask a teenager! They can! This perplexed and confused ex, he saw them. I even texted friends he didn't know and asked them to comment on our photos.

IT SHOWED CONFIDENCE. Apathy to all things Law. I was the complete opposite.

But I NEVER looked at anything, ever on any social media of exes. Steely focus.

I spent a year with the help of a brilliant friend who put ALL of my data into graph form.
Earnings of each party etc. About 5 different graphs showing different things relating to FL affecting %. This was in preparation for Trial (but I wanted to avoid trial) and kept the confidence going to make ex + lawyer THINK that I was heading for Trial.

I made my lawyer send ALL the graphs 2 days before a hearing, because I had had enough. Basically my lawyer said no but I forced it. Other party crumbled with the graphs. They had all the evidence proving the graphs. I had given it to them.

In a FLC I heard a high priced Barrister say "Oh judges LOVE graphs", I thought are you kidding? No they weren't. I saw the graphs. The graph guy won. Hence spending a year getting graphs together.

I had my lawyer engage a Barrister from Chambers across the road from the FLC. This cut my legals by c75%. By default it also intimidated ex and it's lawyer.

I completed every Hardship Application available. Sometimes it was rejected and sometimes twice rejected but I added more paperwork & even more paperwork and every single one was granted. IE for Court fees.

EM

[quirkywords]

Theborderline

I am sorry to her you are having problems with your ex wife but pleased you have a plan top move forward that involves studying.

You have helped others on this forum. I had an ex tell everyone that my mental illness was the reason our marriage did not work. Maybe it was a small part but I was well and managing . It is easy for people to tell others things they will believe.

I can understand you trying it hard to understand that your marriage is over when you are trying hard to plan ahead.

[Guest_7403]

Really struggling to get myself going, feel like my life has just stopped....my hopes of her reaching out to say she's made a mistake are fading by the day and with it I become more negative and withdrawn from life

Stopped cleaning the house, barely exercising and no drive to follow through with my treatments. Feel like I'm getting worse not better.

It's been 17 days since I've seen her

[quirkywords]

Borderline,

It must be so hard when she wont even talk to you let alone see you. I am so sorry you are struggling.

You wrote this 5 days ago. everyday away from her now I feel stronger and healthier.

I do wonder how significant a role she has played in my illness worsening considerably over the last 3 years.

You also wrote that people had accept your apologies, your family is supportive and you were co parenting again with your ex.

You also mentioned about future studies plan.

I am wondering if you what has happened since you wrote those sentences . Was it one thing or that feeling of grief and loss that the marriage may really be other.

Are you still planning on study ?