Estrangement from daughter

[Chrissy M]

My eldest daughter 26 years  has estranged me and the family.  It makes me very sad. Been six years now.  I have no idea why, no big arguments, was very closed and distant towards me before the estrangement.  No mother is perfect. Had a different marriage DV. Loved all my childrens and treated they with love.  I have grown closer to my faith.  I would not survive without Jesus in my life. 🙏 But most days I think of her, I pray that we will reconcile.  But all I get is silence. Why does she punish me, with her no contact.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm glad you have your faith even if I dont share it, it would be a comfort for you.

I'm 68yo and the longer I'm on this earth the more humans baffle me and disappoint me, however I've found my developing attitude over a few decades has helped me cope somewhat. Brief background- have two daughter, one I'm close to now 34yo, the other now 30yo I myself broke contact 4 years ago. I left their abusive mother when they were 7 and 4yo, continued visitations and supported my kids in every way possible. At 12yo my eldest, after being abused like I was, left to live with me and she at 18yo stopped seeing her mother altogether. My youngest unfortunately grew up with me being demonised by her mother and therefore she tried abusing me. Every 2 years she would contact me through FB then a week later with lots of positive vibes to rekindle our relationship, she'd block me. 4 years ago she tried that again and blocked me after 10 days. She'd never give me her address nor phone number. So this torture had to stop through me blocking her. End.

"End" easy to say, hard to do. I grieve when I think of her, the love I have, the protective instincts, the times on swings and cuddles, it rips me apart. But, abuse? you have to protect your well being and being tormented, teased like a narcissist does is not being kind to yourself. Add to that my bipolar and high functioning autism and suicidal events and nope, have to be strong.

So, that might help you because I did nothing but give give give to my youngest. You are correct, "no parent is perfect" but you know (as you were close to her) that any imperfection does not justify such radical action on her part and therefore we can only assume she is bothered by something that only she knows. This lack of communication of the real issue is hurtful and possibly immature. Usually on this forum we get similar situations but it follows a family bust up or adverse behaviour like alcoholism or abuse. 

Once around 24yo my youngest walked up our driveway, we embraced and had drinks. Sadly she wanted money for a car. She never got it. Indeed I bought my eldest a $3000 car at 18yo to get to uni and $15,000 to my youngest for operations and teeth realignment on top of child support- I'm not a bank! But it wasnt enough for her, that million dollar smile.

I learned that being busy helps. Fill your life with people that are kind and like minded. We have a foster son now, my MIL had him since a toddler and she passed on 3 years ago so we've taken over. He appreciates us. So thats an example of remaining busy and you'll find our niche in this way. 

Regardless she is your daughter, she is an adult and sadly can make these decisions so you cant waste your life away grieving, try to minimalize it and channel your love where its wanted.

A poem I wrote but never sent

NO STRINGS FOR YOU

You played me like a banjo

 As you ran from my advice

 Youngest daughter of darkness

 Part of my sacrifice

And as you gather satisfaction

 Of silence your chosen sword

 Extraction of money your ambition

 No bond could ever be forged

This banjo has no strings for you

 It hangs on a wall above

 My family is at the back of the shed

 Dancing to the beat of love

I wrote this even though you blocked

 You'd think it be for you

 But its for me, the dad you mock

 The banjo you never knew...

TonyWK