End of marriage???

Qwerty14 · ‎05-05-2017

Hi,

Been together for 28 years, brought up 2 children, but can't spend any time together without arguing.

Weven been through many ups and downs. 2 years ago my daughter left home at 16, as she couldn't bear to live with us, due to falling out with her dad. He was verbally abusive, and aggressive, but not violent.

Now it's getting me down too. He's unreasonable frequently. He calls me names and swears at me. Loses his temper. Its not how I want to live. Everything else in our lives is just coming together after years of struggle. I want to enjoy life now, make plans, have fun. But it's always miserable. If he's not falling out with me, he's falling out with our son. Of course in his head, it's always our fault, never his.

I'm not a victim. I'm a strong independent woman. But I'm tired of this misery.

We both take antidepressants. I have depression, and so does he, but we find that he is more aggressive/agitated if he doesn't take them, so that it the main reason he takes them.

I don't want to give up on my marriage. But I'm tired of trying to reason with him. Especially recently when his responses are typically 'how can I make you stop.' It's so hurtful.

geoff · ‎12-05-2017

hello Qwerty, my intentions were only to provide you with some comfort just in regard to my post yesterday which has been deleted, I was only trying my best to help you through this difficult period as from my own experience.

hi CMF, thank you for understanding where I was coming from, I really appreciate your support on this matter. My best. Geoff.

whitepointer · ‎13-05-2017

Hi Querty, It could be that your husband needs a revaluation re his medication if hes having trouble containing his moods and taking it out by argueing with every member of your family. I recently found my medication had stopped working after years of taking a well known brand so I became vety depressed and irritable..Since taking a new med Im slowly getting better.

Wonder · ‎14-05-2017

Hi, I wonder why your husband is so angry and why he vents his frustration at the ones he loves.

of course his behavior is distractive and unacceptable and could end your relationship.

Perhaps you know why but if not find a professional you trust to get a better insight to what is driving his behavior.

This could help you and your children show compassion and perhaps circumvent triggers that lead to him venting.

Being 62 and married twice with children to two wonderful women I also am fallible and have had crisis in my life that have been truly difficult.

Between the feeling life is passing to quickly,work becoming more difficult to manage,personal expectations of what sexual intimacy should look like and the realization that I am simply having to revaluate my dreams and expectations has been hard.

If he is feels he is failing as a husband,lover,parent he really needs help and understanding.You also need to be able to have boundaries that protect you and your children that are agreed by everyone in your home.I hope counseling will help you both.

I guess over time the love you have felt for each other has suffered due to outbursts of frustration and the hurt of not

feeling respected and honored .If you want to help him try to find the time to learn more about what is happening in your marriage.You probably need to start relationship counseling and talk to your GP

You mentioned the years of struggle and that in it's self can be the reason for the circumstance you are in now.If he feels that it has not been appreciated and celebrated as a man who may define himself in terms of what he does and not who he is, he may feel he is not valued in the family. If this is the case he may ask himself why did he bother,what was the point and this can trigger a crisis of confidence that contributes to his anger,hurt and frustration.

If he loves you and the children there is always hope that education and talking to respected proffesionals will help move him into a more positive space.

If he reads,books like Steve Biddulph Manhood and Dr Rosie Kings Where did my libido go could be useful.I would check out these online first to see if they are in the right space for you both.

Try to find a counselor that you both relate to,it can take more than one attempt.

Your husbands behavior is common enough but also disrespectful.He more than likely hates himself for it and hopefully you can both work through it.Good luck.