Empty inside

[Struggling93]

Hi everyone this is the first time I’ve spoken about this with anyone other than my therapist. About 4 years ago just after we got married my husband and I went through a very rough patch in which we were hardly talking, my husband was always playing games on his computer and always angry coming home from work. I would try to talk it out and get him to open up to me but he would never. Shortly after this I became friends with a work colleague this eventually led to an emotional affair which lasted about 5 months. Before it ended sexual text messages were exchanged (never photos) it was never physical but I ended it with him after feeling so disgusted with my actions and behaviour. I couldn’t believe how I acted looking back on it now I don’t recognise the selfish disgusting person I was but it happened. Because nothing physical ever happened I thought if I just turned all my guilt and shame into becoming an amazing wife and person it would be okay, I never told my husband. Few months later we got pregnant and I was so terrified he would leave me I never told him. Again I told myself work on yourself be a better person, go to therapy fix yourself be an amazing wife and mother. We now have two children and everyone is so happy i work so hard making my husband feel like a king and being an amazing mother. Except I feel like an empty shell of a human, I feel like inside I am broken and don’t deserve anything good in this life. I can’t believe how badly I hurt my husband and my family I’m so ashamed in myself. Every time I look at my beautiful children I just cry because their mother failed them so badly before they were even born. I’m am so scared if he finds out he will leave me and my children, my son is only 2 years old and loves him so much only wants him. I feel like I cannot tell him because I know he will leave me and it will tear my family apart, my therapist believes I shouldn’t tell him. My husband thinks I’m some amazing wife but really I’m just terrible person. I cry every single day, I can’t even look at myself in the mirror, I’ve lost my appetite to eat and I hate myself so much. Some days I thought if I wasn’t here everyone would be better off, the damage I’ve caused and the hurt I’ve caused is enormous and I don’t deserve my husband or this life I have. I think that If I wasn’t here anymore my husband could just remarry someone else and my children could have someone else worthy of their mother.

[Struggling93]

Thank you Geoff

I’ve been struggling a bit this week I feel like every thought I have is about this. I’m so worried my husband is going to find out and leave me. I feel so trapped and as if there’s no way out, he either finds out and leaves me or I stay feeling like this for the rest of my life depressed and full of shame for hurting the one I love. I’ve thought about leaving even not living anymore these thoughts are unbearable how could I have been so self absorbed to not see the damage I was causing with this “friendship”. I just want the pain to stop

[geoff]

Hello Struggling, you can't blame yourself here, because all of this started out by your husband coming home angry and then avoiding you while playing video games so you weren't getting the attention you required so it just happened by accident, you need to forget about what was said in the texts, surely this happens when a spouse is denied communication with her other half.

If you are with a girlfriend, do you make comments to each other about a certain male figure, I wonder whether this is any different than talking with the opposite gender, may be or may be not, and who's not to know whether your husband has been doing this with someone else, and that's why he has been ignoring you.

Can I ask you what would happen if one of your children had been doing exactly the same, because as a parent this may well happen.

During life we learn from making our mistakes and this will never change and once this happens when never think about what we did wrong, but try and increase our knowledge in what we do.

OK this did happen, but it's over, but you can't move forward if you have this chain locked onto you, it's an experience that will give you wisdom for the future.

There are many mistakes we all do during our life, that's how we learn.

Take care of yourself.

Geoff.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Struggling,

Wow, it really sounds as though you are beating yourself. Yes you had an emotional connection with someone that you recognize you shouldn’t have, but your partner was also angry all the time and largely absent and neglecting your needs in favor of computer games. I’m not saying that one justifies the other but just pointing out that we are all human and make mistakes. And the fact remains that you never had a physical relationship with this person, which is most people’s definition of cheating. Usually I would say not to bother telling your partner as it was such a minor thing that nothing can be gained from it. But if this happened 4 years ago and it is still eating you up inside then I do wonder if you need to get this off your chest to your partner. I honestly think that he will most likely see the degree that this has affected you and forgive you, which is what you seem to need - forgiveness.