Probably need to go (from marriage) but can’t find motivation to do that

[Kiag34]

It can be reassuring to read posts on here that I’m not the only one going through similar struggles.

I’m in awe of how people on the surface seem to be getting on with their day but underneath that are having such doubts and troubles.

I’ve just been reading posts about divorce. I’ve been married for 17 years and there’s high school aged kids.
increasingly it’s become evident our relationship is nearing the end of meaningful connection. We argue, or avoid each other. We used to call each other first with any news or just to chat, now it’s an inconvenience to listen. There’s picking up faults with other constantly- didn’t do the dishes, pick up your shoes or get milk before it ran out. We are frequently away either doing courses or activities which takes away the little overlap of time we might’ve had between shift work. That’s another problem- I work shift work so my work is apparently upsets the family routine greatly, but changing to just day shifts didn’t improve the complaints.

My husband told a therapist that I’m like another teenager in the house. Which is rubbish. I don’t yell to make a point and I’d rather explain or ask when a task needs to be done than command as I feel it returns more respect in the long run.

2 of the 3 kids have said outright they think we should get a divorce.
Im scared because we have a house (which is paid), vehicles and other assets together. I am scared of starting again financially. Rentals are bloody hard to come by and are pricey. It would seriously dampen my lifestyle.

im not happy though. It would be easier apart with no expectations. He’s definitely not happy. Resentment and hurt means both of us don’t feel like being sexually intimate. It’s been a very long time. Things that were once overlooked when we were more in live are now major issues.

counselling didn’t help. It seems we have grown apart. We both acknowledge that. I’m not even sure what level of love is left in my tank for him anymore.
without a trigger like abuse or affair it feels super hard to make a move and easier to just go through each day than make such a big change. Everyone is telling me that I deserve to be happy but I can’t see that promise yet and really wonder if these troubles are worth sticking with or potentially next partner may come with bigger issues!

how did you make a move when u realised there was no point in staying?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kiag34

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being a member of this open, kind and helpful community.
 
We are sorry to hear that you are experiencing difficulties right now in your relationship and that can feel scary making the decision to stay or to leave.  We know that it can be incredibly difficult to share our story, so we want to say thank you for showing such courage in posting and sharing that experience - you never know who will read this post and feel less alone on their own journey.
 
We are here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it. You might also find the following organization helpful in terms of your relationship concerns.
 
Relationships Australia Click Here
 
If you would welcome other perspective, there is also 1800 RESPECT Click Here
 
Thank you again for joining us here and for starting this conversation. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are feeling, if you are comfortable.
 
Kind regards,
 
Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Kiag, it'soften said that kids are happier in two households, rather than one unhappy one, and this also applies with the parents who are having difficulty living together.

With your husband saying that 'you are another teenager' implies his respect has gone and you need to make a decision because staying where you are certainly isn't helping you at all, as your kids have indicted.

This type of situation has happened to a close friend of mine and what they did was talk with a mediator, which was free, then an arrangement was made about settling all the belongings, the house and any payment for one person to buy the other one out and arrange custody of the children/kids as 50/50.

Once this had all been arranged it was handed over to a solictor who drew up the contract and this was dutifully presented to the court to agree or make any adjustments that were necessary.

Payment to the solictor can be made by one person or split between the two of you.

All of this can be done while you wait for a rental but you may be able to still remain in the house, this depends on how you both feel.

Alternatively, there is special accommodation but this can be discussed later.

Please get back to us when you are able to.

Geoff.

[Resolute459]

If you are ready to throw it out and it seems moral to you then go for it. I would speak to him first and tell him how you feel about him and not in a fight. It is the end if you are leaving each other and that is a big deal. Sounds to me like you probably need something but can't quite put my finger on it.

[Kiag34]

I’m not sure if Im missing something. I know he is though. He very much thrives on the live language of touch and needs that to connect. I really don’t. Every so often I think about touch (any touch not just sexual) but then the mood changes with a complaint or yelling at someone who didn’t do what they were asked.
the respect has diminished- that is true. I have my honour and refuse to swear when speaking to family members. Despite my frequent requests to reframe it happens towards me. Other things like replying to a text takes precedence over listening to me who is present.

at first I wondered if there could be any fixing of the relationship but it would be difficult because Im not even sure we could be called friends. And maybe even room mates treat each other with more respect and kindness. It’s just drifted apart and that makes me sad because I remember what it could (was) like. The gap now seems unfixable because resentment has filled that space. My friends have been hinting for a while of what’s happening.
I once found him my everything and created so much joy and we did everything together nowhas deteriorated so far. It’s hard with low self confidence (thanks depression) to believe I could find another that would spark joy and want me.

[Karen0901]

It's hard to give relationship advice when we can't see the dynamics etc., however, I would suggest starting at where you might be going wrong in the relationship and work from there. Often we get bogged down in the faults of our partner but forget what could be causing the situation on our own end. If you make an effort it might encourage him to make more of an effort as well.

Try not to get bogged down with small worries and focus on the big picture.

Other than that I would also possibly mention to your husband that you have been thinking about divorce and see if he is on the same page. If you are both at the point of wanting a divorce, then the motivation to improve the relationship may not be there.