Hello Rodlin, & welcome. With so many thoughts & feelings, I'm sure it is very difficult to know where to start. Fortunately, I think you have already started by seeing there are aspects of your thinking & behaviour you want to change. Took me so long to do that!
I carry a long past, as well, & have had such volitile emotions, which I struggled to name or express. With my anger, I wanted to explode, fearing what might be if I was to implode instead. These seeme my only options, & exploding seemed only remotely possible, & then in, what would have been, a totally uncontrolled way - too scary.
So I had to do a lot of learning.
I did a lot of writing, until I knew I needed to not just be talking to myself, who had no answers or ideas about what to do next. That's when I sought therapy.
Also, other things I di: I walked off some anger, painted some of my memories, wrote them as well, cleane some more anger, slept a lot, when I could, & focused my thought into something small & close, (little embarrassing), which was that I plaited cords using some brightly coloured reels of nylon, late at night, in the dark, when I couldn't sleep. I also could express my feelings more 'safely' through singing.
If you look around the forums many people have suggested ways of relaxing, breathing, grounding, meditating, being in the moment (mindfulness), exercising regularly, eating well, routine, big & little self-care things we have learned. There is so much, it's not easy to suggest where you might begin, except to say, anywhere you think you might like to read &/or post yourself. You are most welcome.
I'm so glad you've joined, & I hope we'll speak again.😺
mmMekitty
