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Emotional Affair

Community Member

I need advice - sorry it’s long

I’ve been married to my childhood sweet heart for 20 years. It has been amazing except we never have sex. (Maybe twice a year if I instigate it). I absolutely adore him and would never ever have thought he’d cheat emotionally or physically.

The other night after a few wonderful days away with our children I thought I’d try for sex. I rolled up next to him and started kissing his neck without any response I tried a few more things and he didn’t more an inch or say a word. I felt absolutely dejected and worthless. (He is still warm to me outside the bedroom occasional hug and I love you).

By chance today I had his iPad as it links to our movie tv and the kids have lost the remote so we use the iPad. I’ve never ever snooped on his personal phone or messages before but there was his message app. I opened it and it was him txting with his best friend. My husband was texting about a female who is his massage therapist and goes to the same boot camp as him. My husband was giving his mate a run down of how he feels when she massagers his body. (Not just his injured back).

Im all for fantasying but! I think this is more than that. What should I do. I’m pretty sure if I mention the messages he’s going to blame me for snooping and not trusting him.

im the main bread winner and cook dinner and breakfast every morning for the children. He isn’t stressed about work or anything like that.

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Popey,

I hope you dont mind if I just let out some thoughts as they come.

I am sorry of the way your husband reacted to your advances. And trust me when I say do understand how you felt. I think the worst part of your post was the lack of any sort of response.

So I hear that you use the iPad as a remote control for the TV and the same device had your husband's messages on it. What happens if a message appears when you use the device as remote?

Another thought... It is easy to jump to the worst case scenario when we read something.

Can I ask what communication is like between you and your husband? And I refer to the deeper conversations really. I have been seeing a psychologist for a while about depression and anxiety and sometimes that had moved into family matters. Long story short, one of my homework items will be to talk to my wife about that something in the session. This requires me to show a little vulnerability. Having had the conversation I do feel better afterwards.

If I cold make a suggestion... it would be conversation about sex, physical intimacy, where you can both be open and honest. In light of recent events it could be bad. It could be a chance of renewing the relationship. How does the not knowing effect you at the moment?

Whether you bring up the matter of the message is another thing.

Fwiw... I have had this conversation myself in different circumstances.

Community Member
Thank you so much for your reply small wolf, I really appreciate your fast and honest reply. I think you are right I need to talk about this with him and be completely honest about my feelings. Thank you again