Emotional affair?

[Guest_598]

Hi All,

Last year,my husband and I went through a rough patch because his female colleague was quite sexually explicit and he didn't like my response to hearing things - potentially out of context. At the time,it caused me huge trust issues especially because he was criticising me and society for being so stringent about only having one partner once you marry etc. He later confirmed that he didn't mean what he said and that he just blurted things out while being emotional. But the damage to me self-confidence was done,especially because he is still in touch with that woman. She left the company but now,instead of moving interstate, separated from her husband with whom she has had issues for some time. We have had many conversations about my trouble to deal with my insecurities since then and I believe fully that there is nothing physical between them. I also believe that he truly loves me. But despite how often he tells me,I cannot shake my concern that he may build an emotional bond with her. Back when it was heated,I asked him to remove her from facebook which he did. I was never a jealous woman but since then I am worried about everything and feel I cannot get back to trusting him. Especially because he lied to me back then and said he was not talking to her, but then I saw the comments. Now I found out that he has her added on Google Hangouts. I did not know Hangouts existed but casually asked him whether he knew it. He said yes but when I asked whether he was using it,he said no. Then I saw that he had been checking it at 11 pm the night before. Afterwards he googled what to do when your wife doesn't want kids but you do which is something that has come up recently. So I'm scared that he has created that secret bond with this other woman who has a little son he likes.

Today,I told him that I am concerned that he is building an emotional connection with her and he said that that's definitely not the case and that he just likes the professional exchange with her. But why would he create an account in google hangouts just for one contact,her?doesn't that mean there is a bit more of a special desire to stay in touch even if it's non-physical. I told him I don't like all the secrecy because if she is like any other friend,why can't we talk openly? He says he is now so afraid of my negative reaction when we talk about her that he doesn't feel comfortable mentioning her. I tried to explain that honesty and transparency would remove the problem

[Guest_598]

I don't know what to do. I need to plan my overseas start because I feel that if I don't, I once again give myself up for something that I may regret in years to come. But how can I live with my husband at the same time knowing I'm actually planning our separation? Should I move out now and separate so that we do not have to go through this painful process of constantly telling each other we love each other, while in the back of our heads thinking "well, this will be over by the end of this year". How can you live like that?

I want to give my 100% into this marriage to make it better and keep the beautiful things alive. But at the same time I look at what I want to do with my life and that does not match. How can I make my marriage work and plan to move away? It is two extremes on opposite sides of the spectrum. But if I don't move, I will probably be in the same situation again next year. Doubting whether I will regret giving up my wishes just to make something work that may make me miserable in the end because I would feel like I have lost myself by throwing everything into one project while he might have gotten everything without the same effort. DOn't get me wrong, it is not about equality of effort and input - although I don't think that is an unreasonable wish to have in a marriage - it is about the fundamentals of doing what is good for you and right in your life. And although my marriage is massively important in my life, I am not sure it is right for me and I am scared that one day I would resent it and my husband for what it did to my life and happiness. Sometimes I think it would be best to separate, just so that we take the emotional hardship off each other that this hypothetical thoughts bring. But I am scared of the pain and the loss. We are so familiar and have so many little quirky things we love about our relationship. I cannot imagine not having them in my life but at the same time, I have not been truly happy for years because I constantly see problems. I will speak to a psychologist about better strategies to boost my self-confidence and help with my negative thinking. But the negative thinking was never me - I was an endless optimist. I feel this relationship has eroded my optimism and confidence and so I wonder... should I fight for it or will the fight destroy us both? All I want is for us both to be truly and lastingly happy. Not all the time but more consistently. Is that at all possible? What shall I do, I just can't see it.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi AussieGal,

I'm sorry that you have so many painful decisions to make, that cause you to feel stress and uncertainty about your future. Its possible that you are both feeling the lack of a foundation of commitment. It could explain the fights, the `exit plans', and general insecurity you both feel.

I agree with Quirky, that some counselling together would be better for your marriage , and for your mental health. I believe you are right, its very stressful and depressing living as married, when you have no intention of staying together. It would be difficult to resolve any of the other problems, until you have decided whether you are committed to one another or not.

Have you ever had a look for a therapist or a counselor before? Your GP may be able to help you there.

[kittyklanke]

hi everyone, I have found this conversation incredibly useful as I read several similarities to my own situation.

I've recently found out my husband is "on a different page" than me in terms of what we want from our marriage and future lives (ie. I will do anything to have another child, he doesn't care), I found couples counselling incredibly useful to help us have those difficult conversations without defensiveness/distraction or anger.. We've been seeing a Psychologist, and I also have one-on-one appopintment swith her too - this has been crucial to me maintaining my sanity plus helps hubby and I have those hard conversations in a productive way. Psychologists ask great questions, and they can pick things apart (they'll get to the bottom of your trust concerns etc).

I would highly recommend you giving couples & individual counselling a try before you decide on ending your marriage. It might be hard to get hubby interested in couples counselling (a lot of men dont like to talk about their feelings) but once he knows that you're mmarriage is at risk, that should make him realise the seriousness of the situation.

One of the hardest things after a break-up is the regret of thinking "did i try everything to keep us together? Was there anything more i could have done?"

[kittyklanke]

Thanks for your comments here Bindi.. Your coments here have been very helpful to m, especially in relation to detaching/infaithful partners and the resulting feelings to their partners 😞 :)cccv

Pursuing an attraction may lead nowhere, but the process damages the relationship significantly. The unfaithful partner progressively `detaches' from their partner, which means they no longer care as much about their partner's feelings. And if the partner discovers any of this, it results in significant feelings of worthlessness , betrayal and pain.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Kitty,

Thank you so much for saying so , hon:) I'm glad you found that helpful.

Most of what I wrote is paraphrased from scientific studies in the area.

This is the name of one of the major studies I liked - Norton, A. M., & Baptist, J. Couple boundaries for social networking in middle adulthood

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Kitty,

I'm glad your couples counselling has gone well so far, I can see what you mean about the benefit of keeping conversations productive. I like that you've identified the deeper source of conflict in your relationship, and are addressing it the best you can. Its not so easy to rise above feelings of betrayal, and do that. I admire you for it 🙂

I really hope things go well for your family, and you can decide about your second child too X

[Guest_598]

Hi All,

sorry I have been out of the loop for a bit and thank you for all you have contributed so far.

as you know, I am currently going through a rough patch with my husband, usually we had one big crisis a year ever since we got together, but we usually pulled through fairly quickly. We have had so many conversations about the same issue this time that in the end, I arranged for counselling as a last option recently. We tried it in the past and it worked for some years but it has become clear to me that the issue at hand is only one of many underlying topics I would like to talk through with him. He is not particularly keen to go to counselling because he is the sweep-under-the-rug kind of person but he is willing to come along, which is a start, I guess. What do you think?

Counselling will start in two weeks and I look forward to it as it is my last hope that we can actually "hear" each other properly and share our feelings. I want to talk through a lot of things, especially the needs we have and his apparent indecisiveness about what he wants in life, including whether he actually really wants this marriage, because every time we hit a rough patch, he just throws the "divorce" word around. Once I am at a point where I think he is serious and I believe it may be best to go, he pulls me back in getting scared that I might actually go. It's a merry-go-round of sadness. I have always been the fighter and I believe I have given more to this marriage. I know it cannot always be equal effort, but I feel I have not much more to give. Hence why this is my last resort option before I have to possibly make a decision on behalf of us both and leave. But I love him and I need to try this one last chance.
But while I feel like this, I wonder whether counselling will actually offer that chance. Is it at all possible to turn out positive if he doesn't really want to be there and I just, once again, drag him through life? Is there a chance we can really productively talk and figure improvements out?
In the past, when he got angry, he said a lot of nasty things , lately that believes he has done nothing wrong and that it is all my paranoia, anxiety and control freak behaviour. He deflects any responsibility for bad times in our marriage although he triggers them often - is constructive counselling with somebody that doesn't believe he contributes to negative outcomes at all possible? I accept my failures but what if I am the only one?