Emotional abuse or maybe I’m just loosing the plot

[KoalaMum]

Hello,
I’m new here so please forgive me if I say anything out of place.

I’ve been with my partner for over a decade and I notice it’s wearing me down. I look back at old photos and I’m not the person I used to be. I’ve lost the genuine laughter and twinkle in my eye. Maybe part of that’s to do with maturing and going through life experiences, making one more wary but I keep wondering if a large part of that is to do with my relationship with my partner.

We can’t seem to communicate. Most communications end up with him being angry, rolling his eyes, sighing or just plain ignoring (like not saying a word or making eye contact so that I have to repeat myself and ask if he heard). In arguments, we just go round in circles and I end up having to apologise and then nothing changes. On the rare occasion when he seems to make changes, it’ll only last a week. When I do confront him, the usual responses are “I didn’t hear you”, “ you should make yourself clearer”, “I don’t remember having that discussion”, “I didn’t realise it was important”.

When things go wrong, I’ll often get the blame. From small things - like the kitchen towel being soaking wet (it was draped over the sink which was wet) to bigger things like why the household financial situation is not as expected.

When I gathered enough courage together and listed out key areas for us to work on, his response was “ it is who I am, I can’t change”.

He told me I am the problem, and wishes there is someone who can “fix” me and tell me how to behave. When I try to put in my side of the story, he either says it’s not important or I’m being nasty to him and he is the real victim.

I can see that some problems are related to my low self esteem during my upbringing and perhaps I should have been more vocal about issues earlier on in the relationship. I can also see he had issues too during his childhood which also play a role.

Some days I cry because I feel so sorry for the little boy that I can see in his eyes and wish I could make this relationship better for him so he won’t feel so upset. Other days I cry because I’m just confused and don’t know what’s up or down anymore as the saying goes.

So I’m just seeing if the community can shed some thoughts on what feels like a confusing situation to me. I feel I should leave because the relationship is harming me (regardless of whether it classifies as emotional abuse or not) but I also feel guilty that I’m abandoning a person who needs love.

Thank you.

[Juliet_84]

Hi Koala mum,

This forum is unfortunately full of people who understand where you are coming from, myself included. I was in a domestic violence relationship for over 10 years so I am familiar with the tactics used. The walking on eggshells, the pressure build up and inevitable explosion. And then the next morning when you are expecting an apology, you instead get nothing but minimizations that it a) didn’t happen or b) if it did happen, it wasn’t that bad or c) if it was that bad, it was both of you. He may have narcissistic personality disorder, or at least some of the traits. I’m my case, our “arguments” (he called them arguments but it was very one-sided) would escalate very quickly and really just consisted of him shouting the same thing at me over and over or he’d ask the same question 5 times and keep shouting it at me while I was trying to answer. They were very cyclical, rarely made sense and everything but the kitchen sink would get thrown in. I grew up with a controlling mother so she would get thrown in that I was just like her etc. The whole point of them is to throw you off track and make you feel destabilized. I read an online ebook once by Lundy Bancroft called “why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” and that was the first time someone explained everything out to me. It’s freely available from here, I highlight recommend it if you have time:

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

My ex would only ever agree to couples counseling, not individual because he wanted to focus on how his needs would be met. I also felt quite unsafe afterwards as I had to travel home in the car with him. He would rant and rave at me, accuse me of “putting on the water works” and making things up about him to get the therapist to side with him. I asked what example was untrue and he couldn’t list it but never stopped him from saying it. Then we’d get home and he’d become the therapist for hours, telling me exactly what was wrong with me. Your husband may be much milder in his behavior, I’m not sure, so it might go better for you?

[KoalaMum]

Hi Juliet_84,

Thank you for the reading recommendation - I’ll definitely look it up.

You describe my feelings so well - the walking on eggshells and inevitable explosion, no matter how one tries to side step the bomb. I would be so tense and on constant surveillance and high alert. When I hear him come home, I literally freak out. The feelings I get in his presence are not just emotional, they are physical like nausea, clumsiness, shaking hands, clenched muscles…..

The hardest part is not everyone understands. Their first question would be “did he hit you” and when I deny this, everything I say from there on seems unimportant. People would say to me “is it really that bad?” It is difficult for people to understand when there is no “hard evidence”.

My partner hardly yells so my experience is different to yours in this respect. What unnerves me is his silence, his questioning (which feels more like interrogation to me), his watching my daily activities and making me explain why I do things (only to ridicule my explanations) as well as the minimisations and other things I mentioned before.

With regards to couples counselling, he told me it would be useful so a third party could tell me what I’m doing wrong (so when you wrote your earlier post, I was grateful my concerns were articulated as I knew something wasn’t right but wasn’t sure how to express it).

[Juliet_84]

Hi Koala Mum,

I found that book so enlightening, she was able to articulate and explain a lot of behaviors, and identify ones that I hadn’t previously been aware were abusive. She worked with hundreds of abusers, and I t’s perhaps the most accurate account of their tactics I’ve read so far.
Ahh yes, I am familiar with the constantly shifting goal posts. My partner would lose his mind over something so I would try to avoid it in future but he’d seem unfazed or tell me not to bother as if it wasn’t important. There were certain things that were recurring, the house was never clean enough. That was a convenient one because it’s subjective so can be used whenever he was in a bad mood. I also worked full-time and had a demanding job and also a medical condition, and he never helped (or if he did, I’d hear about it), so that was a constant struggle. Funnily enough, when I moved out I no longer struggled with it, probably because I wasn’t so run down and depressed constantly trying to cater to his endless needs. Your husband may not yell but you know what doesn’t feel right. Like you, I got to the point where his key in the door would cause me great anxiety. I used to also get the questioning, the loaded “how was your day” “what did you get up to” interrogation masquerading as care/interest.
Unfortunately not everyone will understand. My closest family still love my ex and wish for us to get back together. It’s incredibly hurtful when someone abused you so badly. But the reality is that they don’t know who he is - my ex was a master manipulator, he was lovely to everyone but me. You need to be ok with not caring what people think, they don’t need to live it. People ask “did he hit you” because that is what people think domestic violence is. My ex was physically abusive at times and I can tell you that was the least traumatic part of my relationship, the emotional abuse was the worst and took the longest to heal. If anything, the physical abuse almost made it easier, because it made it harder to deny and easier for psychologists to categorize.
His attitude to couples counseling is worrying. My ex was the same, very keen for couples counseling so he could use it as a tool to get more of his needs met. He could also feel me pulling away so it was his way of trying to get me to put more effort/energy that I didn’t have into it. If you do go to a couples counsellor, I would suggest going to a male, that apparently gets a better response.

[KoalaMum]

Thank you Juliet_84. I appreciate your input and suggestions. I like the idea of learning to focus on what’s important to me and trying not to worry about what others think. Thanks for sharing your experiences which has given me insight into my situation too.

[Juliet_84]

That’s ok, whatever you decide to do, I wish you happiness and strength and a peaceful 2022. And we’re always here if you ever feel like a chat 🙂

[therising]

Hi KoalaMum

Juliet is such a wonderful deeply thoughtful support and guide. While a lot of people choose to keep their experiences to themself, from the heart Juliet offers her experiences to help light the way ahead for you. Her enlightenment is heartfelt and inspiring.

I believe, as we go through life different parts of us come to life. A lot of those facets come to life in the most challenging of times. Without certain challenges, those facets of our self stay dormant, without us ever meeting them. At 51, this is something I've just woken up to. At 51, there are still parts of me coming to life that I never knew existed. Sometimes you can see something you admire in another and be wishing you had that trait. Then, one day, through some challenge or opportunity you find that exact same trait within your self. I suppose it's a bit Wizard of Oz-ish in a way. One may be seeking courage or heart or intelligence, without realising those things are gradually coming to life throughout the challenges along the way.

The question could be 'What is gradually trying to come to life in you?'. There is either something or perhaps many things at once. Could it be your self loving nature, your self respecting nature, your self inspiring nature, your confident/courageous nature and more? Are these facets now saying, finally loud enough for you to hear, 'I deserve love', 'I deserve respect', 'I deserve inspiration', 'I deserve to be heard' etc?

[Juliet_84]

Oh therising, you have cheered me up endlessly with your kind post, it honestly means the world. I at times doubt my style of feedback and wonder whether the recipient will interpret it as me trying to hijak their post or talk about myself too much, so I am glad that you have “seen” me and the meaning in which my advice is intended. I’m sure I speak for a lot of us when I say this forum is just as vital and rewarding for those of us responding as it is for those posting. May your 2022 be everything you wish for x

[quirkywords]

Koala mum

thanks for this thread as it is helping me and others who read but don’t post.

Thevrisng your insights are so clear and helpful.
I agree with your understanding of Juliet’s helpful posts.

Juliet,

your sentence “he was lovely to everyone but me “ resonated with me so much.
I mentioned this in an earlier post. To be fair he can be lovely to me but I don’t know when it might change in a nano second and I am called horrible names.

Therevis no physical abuse and I truly believe he has no idea how manipulative he is. He has very quick temper.
one thing is people often say how lucky I am as he does all the cooking as he won’t let me cook. Trouble is that is controlling as I have no control over what I eat and some meal times are stressful because if I don’t praise him every minute he gets mad . Once he threw my meal in the bin because I said the potatoes were not cooked.

Thanks everyone for being honesty and KoalaMum thanks for being open an sharing.

[Juliet_84]

Hi quirkywords,

I’m so glad that you found some parts of my post resonated with you also. Even though I am sorry you are going through this too (hugs). In my case, the physical abuse in my relationship was the least damaging part ironically. As I’m sure you are aware, it is the insidious but predictably unpredictable emotional abuse and constant control that really messes with you and wears you down over time. Like yours, my ex would also insist on coming grocery shopping and we would cook meals together (me basically preparing everything for him to come in and stir). Even though we did groceries together and cooked together, he would tell anyone who listened that he “did everything around the place” and that I “had it good”. I was made out to be this lazy spoilt princess who did nothing when in reality I had to do absolutely everything else around the house and involved with running a household and also work full-time. I think he saw cooking as a big ticket item that people would be surprised by so he loved that, and the grocery shopping, well that was just because he couldn’t stand to let control of anything. And then he would minimize my contributions by saying “how hard is it” and constantly telling me that I “did nothing for him”. If you read the e-book in the link that I provided in my earlier post, she will discuss the “types” of controlling partners, mine was the Demand Man. I cannot recommend that book enough, it was like a light had been suddenly switched on.

[quirkywords]

Juliet

Thanks for that suggestion. I read about the different types and mine is a cross between mr right , mr sensitive, and the victim and a couple of demand trait.

There were so many things in those descriptions that I was nodding as I read. I have not read it all but the different types was so real and now I feel I am not imagining it.

I will read the rest when I can.

Koala mum have you read the book it is really worth while having a read as it makes things very clear.