Emotional abuse or maybe I’m just loosing the plot

[KoalaMum]

Hello,
I’m new here so please forgive me if I say anything out of place.

I’ve been with my partner for over a decade and I notice it’s wearing me down. I look back at old photos and I’m not the person I used to be. I’ve lost the genuine laughter and twinkle in my eye. Maybe part of that’s to do with maturing and going through life experiences, making one more wary but I keep wondering if a large part of that is to do with my relationship with my partner.

We can’t seem to communicate. Most communications end up with him being angry, rolling his eyes, sighing or just plain ignoring (like not saying a word or making eye contact so that I have to repeat myself and ask if he heard). In arguments, we just go round in circles and I end up having to apologise and then nothing changes. On the rare occasion when he seems to make changes, it’ll only last a week. When I do confront him, the usual responses are “I didn’t hear you”, “ you should make yourself clearer”, “I don’t remember having that discussion”, “I didn’t realise it was important”.

When things go wrong, I’ll often get the blame. From small things - like the kitchen towel being soaking wet (it was draped over the sink which was wet) to bigger things like why the household financial situation is not as expected.

When I gathered enough courage together and listed out key areas for us to work on, his response was “ it is who I am, I can’t change”.

He told me I am the problem, and wishes there is someone who can “fix” me and tell me how to behave. When I try to put in my side of the story, he either says it’s not important or I’m being nasty to him and he is the real victim.

I can see that some problems are related to my low self esteem during my upbringing and perhaps I should have been more vocal about issues earlier on in the relationship. I can also see he had issues too during his childhood which also play a role.

Some days I cry because I feel so sorry for the little boy that I can see in his eyes and wish I could make this relationship better for him so he won’t feel so upset. Other days I cry because I’m just confused and don’t know what’s up or down anymore as the saying goes.

So I’m just seeing if the community can shed some thoughts on what feels like a confusing situation to me. I feel I should leave because the relationship is harming me (regardless of whether it classifies as emotional abuse or not) but I also feel guilty that I’m abandoning a person who needs love.

Thank you.

[KoalaMum]

Thank you Geoff for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate the reassurance when I feel like I'm sitting in a storm.

I also want to thank everyone who has responded to me. You're all so kind taking time out from the festivities to reply. I can feel the care and concern - so thank you!

Geoff, you highlighted some important qualities that should exist in a relationship which I could never verbalise. I just felt like something was wrong so I'm glad to see it written in words to help me identify what I am searching for in my relationship.

[therising]

Hi KoalaMum

While waking up to someone or someone's behaviour conjures up images of joyful revelation, I've actually found it can feel depressing at times. I know this sounds negative but it remains the truth in some cases. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, based on my own marriage. I truly feel for you so much.

'It is who I am, I can't change' sounds so familiar. The response I typically get in a lot of cases, when I ask my husband to raise his level of consciousness and consideration is 'That's just me'. Waking up to what this meant in our relationship was challenging. The interpretation, 'I choose not to work on becoming more conscious. I choose not to evolve beyond who I currently am. I choose not to work on our relationship'. For our partner to choose what's easier for them, where does that leave us? On the up side, it dictates that we are on the path of becoming more conscious (yay for us) and they are choosing a different path, whether they're aware of it or not.

To choose the path of waking up/becoming more conscious is, I believe, about choosing the path that takes hard work at times. To choose the easy path is easy.Takes no effort.

Being a mum, I can honestly say it's my kids who have led me to evolve the most. Wondering if you can relate. As a mum, you can become more conscious of the need to develop your patience, tolerance, your ability to think outside the square (beyond traditional thinking or parenting). You can feel the need to work hard on what's not easy, adapting to what's best for your kids. You can develop your ability to be more unselfish while also developing your ability to recognise 'me time' (a hard balance to master). Your kids lead you to develop so much. Before you know it, you find yourself evolving far beyond who you used to be. Meanwhile, you can be met with your partner saying 'That's just not me'. They won't change all that much for the kids, for you, for the relationship. It's like you've been evolving at warp speed while they're happy traveling at their own speed.

Someone once said to me something along the lines of - You can lead someone to changes but if they won't follow your lead, if they insist on staying on their own path, the paths will at some point obviously begin to separate.

In regard to Quirkywords' suggestion about counseling on your own, I went to marriage counseling on my own and it made a positive difference to me, leading me to realise the best in myself, under challenging circumstances.

[KoalaMum]

Thank you therising for your understanding and for taking the time to share your experiences. It is helpful to hear other people’s stories to see what their perspectives were in similar situations.

You have so eloquently summarised some of my inner thoughts. You’re right in saying my partner and I have developed at different speeds. I have tried to tell him, show him, guide him when I see his path diverging from me and the rest of the family but like you said, sometimes one does not want to be led or be shown a different way.

[quirkywords]

Koala

I agree that the risings insights and summaries 8n all her post make me think and nod my head.

I suppose that many people don’t like to feel they have to leave their own path and take another’s path in order to stay married.

Thanks for all your feedback.

[therising]

Hi KoalaMum

I give credit to my husband also, for leading me to evolve into a more conscious person. I think some people can lead you to become more conscious based on what you gradually find you can no longer tolerate. Wondering if you can relate to the following. For me, I went around (for years) in a cycle I never recognised until the last 12 months or so. Btw, we've been together for about 25 years. I'm a slow learner 🙂 Let's say the cycle starts with being happy with the way the relationship's going. So, you're happy and he's happy everything's happy. Then, you start to realise things are a little one sided, so you talk about what you need more of (clearer communication, more adventure, constructive changes etc). He's no longer entirely happy because you're 'making things difficult' when they were going so well. Cue your resentment and the dwelling stage, where you dwell on what's wrong. Suddenly, you hit some inspirational revelation where you realise in your state of enthusiasm and positivity what's wrong and you do everything in your power to work to make it right, including being all happy and giving and considerate in the way you try to raise your partner to be on the same happy excited evolved page. Now, you're back to the beginning of the cycle, with your positive enthusiastic energy which makes him happy. Life is easier for him, now that things are 'back to normal'. Then, the cycle repeats. If you do have a cycle, perhaps it's a little different from this. Part of my cycle involved the words 'Perhaps if I tried harder things would be better'. One day I woke up to the fact I was always the one trying harder. I've actually come to amaze myself with how hard I've tried.

KM, looking back to who we were at some point can often reflect how hard we have tried. I used to think 'I've tried so hard to stop being confrontational (sacrificing my feisty sense of self in the process). I've tried so hard to suppress my need for more adventure based on him not wanting to add a lot of ventures to life or set goals to look forward to (leading to grief for the adventurer and visionary within). With him not putting in the effort the relationship deserves, I feel worth less than what I deserve. I feel worthless (a loss of that true sense of value)' and so on. Of course, the truth remains we are feisty adventurous visionaries of great value and nothing can change the truth. Re-membering our self (putting our self back together) can become the #1challenge 🙂

[KoalaMum]

Thank you therising. I can relate to your experience of going on these cycles with the hope that things will get better. Sometimes it’s more like choosing to look the other way and pretend all is rosy (at least on the outside). Thank you for sharing. It is definitely challenging becoming aware of what’s happening and finding the strength to make a positive change.

[therising]

Hi KoalaMum

I wish the best for you. I hope you both come to work through the challenges together, so you're not left to work hard on your own. I also hope you come to fully connect with that part of you or those parts of you that make all the difference in your life. Re-membering yourself is a self loving experience.

I've discovered that while life forms a person, with their upbringing and their experiences along the way, they can be reformed in new constructive ways through a challenging and evolving relationship with a partner. If raised to feel unloved, there is the chance to discover the definition of love in a challenging relationship. If raised through low self esteem, there become challenges that push one to find self respect and self efficacy. If life has lacked direction up to a point, the opportunity to set goals (including ones for personal growth) can come about. There is so much to gain, together and individually. There must be a willingness though, in order to gain. It sounds like you are more than willing, as you clearly work hard on the challenges you face.

🙂

[Juliet_84]

Oh Koala mum,

Firstly, I just want to give you a big hug and a warm welcome to the forum 🙂 aspects of your story feel so familiar for me and I’m sorry you’re going through it. It can be so hard to find our voice and speak up against “strong personalities”, that it can be incredibly demoralizing and hurtful not to be heard or have your feelings validated in any way. Your husbands response that “it is who I am, I can’t change”is a total cop out and immediately absolves him from any responsibility for his behaviour. My ex used to say something similar, “if you don’t like it leave” which has the same effect. Imagine if your children were allowed to say that any time they did something he didn’t like?! It’s always one rule for these people and another for everyone else. It’s a hard one as these people tend to be very manipulative so couples counseling can actually be detrimental because they use it as a chance to manipulate and focus on how you are not meeting their impossible expectations. I had some success with constantly asserting my boundaries, it didn’t make for a comfortable life but it did improve things a bit.

[KoalaMum]

Thank you Juliet_84. Big hugs to you too.

It helps me immensely to know there are people out there who understands what I'm going through. My partner often denies or seemingly have trouble remembering any of our arguments or discussions so there are times where I'm left questioning myself. Sometimes I wonder if he has narcissistic traits as arguments frequently get sidetracked, diverting the blame to my shortcomings and most things centre around what he wants. Even if I manage to get him to agree on something, he'll come back next day and start the discussion all over again and reiterate his original demands, as if the previous day's agreement or discussion never happened.

I appreciate hearing your perspective on couples counselling as you vocalised precisely what my concerns are. Thank you for putting them into words as I couldn't quite come up with words to describe my worries before.

[KoalaMum]

Thank you therising for your words of encouragement. It has given me lots to reflect on.

I have been focused on what others need as I'm a people pleaser so it'll take time for me to learn to reconnect with myself again.