dont know what to do next

[Shazzy62]

Last week I seperated from my partner of 5 years, this was his choice, I am completely devastated. I have been researching help on line and all I can find is the No Contact rule- is this the way to go?

[JessF]

Hello Shazzy62, it sounds like your world has been turned upside down, I'm so sorry. We all have our own ways of coping with separations, and it very much depends on the situation I feel. What do you think would help you best right now? How do you feel about 'no contact' as an option?

[Shazzy62]

Hi, I can understand the benefits, and I am really trying to but the, out of the blue I get an anxious stabbing feeling in my chest, and all I want to do is see him. He has said he needs space to find himself again, we talk and txt each day, just very overwhelmed at the moment. I dont want this to end.

[JessF]

Hello Shazzy62, that aching feeling must be so painful. Grief from a relationship ending can be just as painful as when someone dies, it's all about the sense of loss you feel. One word that came to mind when reading your second post was 'boundaries'. He has set some by ending the relationship and saying he 'needs space to find himself' again. But you are still talking and texting each day. That's an arrangement that appears to be working very well for him, but perhaps not so well for you. What boundaries do you think you need to put in place to help you cope during this time? He needs space, what do you need?

[Shazzy62]

Hi, I need to respect his wishes, as I would wish that for me in reverse. A funeral is being held tomorrow and we will both be there, I just dont know if I can handle seeing him and not being with him. I feel as if every one will be watching us.... and its Valentines day. So I need to find strength and some kind of courage. We were deeply in love, very close. and I love him to the moon and back.

[Happygoluckymiss]

Hi shazzy,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I have been through this myself (just recently) it’s almost an identical situation.

Jess mentioned boundaries (thank you Jess - your beautiful insights are truly inspirational and have helped me tremendously!) these are so important because he is getting you still but you are not getting what you want.

I found speaking to GP, psychologist, this community and writing my feelings down a good way to start being a peace with my new normal.

I will not lie - there were tears, anxiety etc but I’m through the worst of it (there was a number of other issues also).

please take care of you, as the old saying goes - you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Happy to chat and listen to you when you’re ready

sending you much kindness today

- happygoluckymiss

[Shazzy62]

Thankyou for your kind wishes, But I dont want this to end, I want to resolve it

[Lozzieoz]

Shazzy, I am in a very similar situation to you at the moment and I won’t lie, I’m really struggling. We were being friendly which made me hurt less but it also meant that I held onto some hope of getting back together which is only damaging in the end. We’re not currently talking and it’s been so difficult to go cold turkey. However, it’s helped me in some ways. As horrible as it feels, you need to realise that there’s nothing you can do to change his mind right now. I tried everything and in the end, he needs time to mature and grow and hopefully one day he’ll come back, but I have to find peace in the fact that I have no say in whether that happens or not.

I’m not sure if that made sense, I’m still trying to figure it all out for myself.

[JessF]

Hello again Shazzy, from what you're saying it sounds like what you need in the short term is some strength and courage to get through the next few days or weeks while the dust settles and you work out what's going on. This funeral will be challenging, given that it's already an emotional time, I'm sorry for your loss. Can you take a support person with you to the funeral, if there's not someone with you already? Making a plan for how you're going to get through the day beforehand might be a good idea too.

[Happygoluckymiss]

You’re most welcome shazzy.

I still don’t want mine to end either. I know this all too well. I still hope that he has the light bulb moment and realises this. I am thinking of you and sending much kindness and a big hug.

- happygoluckymiss