Don't want to go home<object type="cosymantecnisbfw" cotype="cs" id="SILOBFWOBJECTID" style="width: 0px; height: 0px; display: block;"></object>
I keep reading it helps to share feelings. Well I've tried this with those that supposedly care about me (ie. my husband) and it's made things much much worse. So I'm trying to share here, not to get advice but just so I know that I have been 'real' at least to 'someone'.
I'm struggling with feelings of wanting to run away. I'm too chicken to suicide as physical pain scares me and I've heard that children are more likely to suicide if a parent has and I don't want that for my teenage kids.
I can't be myself at home. The times I've tried my husband gets annoyed with me. He is now hardly speaking to me and has withdrawn from me emotionally and physically. I can't talk to him about my depression at all. He told me I should stop all medication and just be happy with what I have. I know he has now lost all respect for me and I'm fearful he doesn't love me anymore.
I'm looking into doing things to avoid being at home so much. I already work full time and have two teenage children which I drive around alot so that takes up quite a bit of time. I'm now looking at doing some night courses, even though when I've tried this in the past it drives me to exhaustion. But I don't know what else to do. The thing is when I do go out a lot my husband gets annoyed with me as he likes me to be home with him, even though he just works in the workshop the whole time.
I fantasize about leaving everything and everyone one day - just leave and not be found. The problems with this is I don't have enough money and it's hard to change your identity. In fact after reading about it I don't think it's possible to change your identity without becoming completely homeless.
I just want a place where if I'm teary or depressed then I can just be left alone and effect no-one.
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I'm sorry to hear that things are so tough for you right now. It sounds as though you could really use a break. If money isn't an issue there's a lot of great health retreats out there which you could look into. Otherwise you could look into signing up for a meditation or yoga course in the evenings which would give you an opportunity to take some time for yourself to relax and unwind.
It's a shame that your husband does not appear to understand your depression - sadly, not everyone does. Is there anyone else you could talk to? I called Lifeline recently and found it to be helpful, perhaps you could try giving them a call?
Welcome to the forum here at Beyond Blue. I am sure if you search around the various posts here, you will find a lot of stories that are very similar to yours!
Ellie has suggested you give Life Line a call and chat to someone there. You can do the same with Beyond Blue. I have used both services in the past. The people answering the phones can give you some good suggestions and advice.
Instead of running yourself ragged, is there a part of the house that you can claim as your own? Do you enjoy any hobbies? Can you set up and area where you can just sit and relax?
I find great comfort in escaping out into the garden. I realise that working full time that will be a more difficult thing to do and you may not even have a garden!
Unfortunately some people just don't understand depression! Hopefully having a "chat" here will help you as well.
I know that when I am very depressed I want to run away as well and start life all over again. Thankfully that does not last too long and I am able to recognise it is my depression that makes me feel that way.
Have you had a chat with your Dr. recently about how you are feeling? He or she may be able to suggest some forms of assistance that might help you. Have you ever been to a counsellor or psychologist?
Is it possible for you and your husband to go out for a meal together or to the movies? You could dress up and have a nice evening out together. It sounds good in theory, but I know it does not always work out the way we would wish, but it might help a little.
Do you have friends whom you can talk with about your depression and life in general?
Hopefully having a "chat" here helps you in some way.
Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools