doing it all on my own

lonleygirl · ‎22-02-2015

Ok so I am normally quite timid about expressing my feelings & emotional but here goes. So my so called "life partner" did something quite selfish which resulted in him being locked up for 6months which he is still currently serving. He had his reasons for doing what he did which I will never fully understand or condone but I have decided to stick by him through it. I'm just having. Hard time with being on my own, I don't have any friends or support around me just my two kids (8yr old boy & toddler girl) sometimes I just have a hard time functioning in the norm. I have so many feelings rushing throughout me thease last few months from (happy,I can get threw this to depression, blame, rage & anger) I have always felt a little depression before this had all had happened from the things I had endured in the past but was able to keep myself busy with work & a hobbies , but now this whole situation has caused me to lose my job as I cannot get any help/childcare for my children & no one to watch the kids so I can just hop on my horse & go for a ride which always helped me when I was having a rough time. I am suffering more from the lonleyness this has caused me, I have tried to reach out to a few people, but I think my needyness right now eather is offputting or people don't like the fact that I seem weak right now even though I am infact the opposite I just need some one to talk too. It's hard raising two kids on your own struggling with the constant judge ment from family & on top off that . This year I was diagnosed with a autoimmune disease so running around to appointments & prison visits with a toddler is extremely hard also which adds to things . Would love to hear from someone going through or someone who has gone threw a similar situation & to hear how they got threw it because some days I just feel like giving up!!

Neil_1 · ‎23-02-2015

Dear lonelygirl

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

I too hope that you can find someone on here who has gone through similar circumstances to what you’re having. I’m sorry, but I haven’t however I felt that I wanted to respond to you just on a couple of points.

Firstly in regard to your last comment – I know this is terribly difficult and it seems like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel for you; but please please don’t ever give up. With what you’ve written, it tells me you’ve got an incredible inner strength to be able to get through all that you have so far – and adding to that the bringing into the world, two wonderful little children.

You did mention family (with regard to being judged by them for the raising of your two beautiful children) – I’m guessing that there isn’t an option for them to provide you with some assistance – or a helping hand at this time; just to give you a bit of respite, even for a short while?

I can understand the relaxation and freedom felt when being able to ride your horse – I grew up on a farm, a long long while ago and on weekends, I would get on my horse and away we’d go – really special times and great memories.

May I ask with regard to your partner – before he ‘went away’, was he a good help for you with regard to your children and also the other house activities that need doing regularly?

Will send this off now and do hope to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

lonleygirl · ‎23-02-2015

Hi neil, thank you soo much for taking the time to reply. In answer to your question yes my partner was a great help to me and the kids & it's not till now that I realised how much I relied on him for everything, maybe I relied on him bit to much I think. He was my rock when I would get down & my only support . I'm still very angry at him, but I think prison has changed him , in a good way I hope. He can now talk to me with out lying , which has always been an issue with him he would just lie about the littlest of things... I'm glad you understand about the harmony, and relaxation you get from horse back riding because not a lot of people do! :-). My family hmmm. Let's just say my brother & sister are the hirachey of the family and always have been , I have always been treated differently , I'm not like either of them . I wear my heart on my sleave and I'm very in tune with my feelings, which has been a curse and a blessing . I would give my own shirt off my back to anyone in need, well that's what I use to be like, the depression has changed me a lot. I really hate the family get togethers, my kids get treated differently too, I hate that . Once my grandparents pass (god forbid) their is nothing keeping us here anymore , I think we will move and have a fresh start. I love the country I would love to move their. The doctor started me on antidepressants but since I had a massive panic attack when taking it for the first time I have been to scared to take another. I just don't know what to do , I tried to reach out to my family about how I have been feeling, but they almost seem to enjoy seeing me . I am sure if I was hanging off a cliff by one finger my sister & mum would be their standing on my finger causing me to fall & my dad would be like oh well she died who cares . I have a lot of unresolved issues with my family but I grin and bear it . I envy people who receive help and support from their family , & thanks to facebook it gets rubbed in my face daily apologies this has turned more into a rant ... but I need to get this off my chest

Neil_1 · ‎24-02-2015

Hi there lonleygirl

Thanx so much for your latest response.

There’s a fair load of stuff happening for you, isn’t there. I’m sorry if you’ve said already, but how long is your partner in prison for? It is good to read that you believe this stint has changed him (and in a good way?).

Oh, getting into the saddle with your horse is magic. I still dream of the day that I’ll be able to have a small piece of acreage somewhere and will have my own horse again. My daughter is also linked heavily with this dream as well, as she LOVES all animals, but loves horses and horse riding. But it’s just not the same when we go for paid trail rides; riding in single file for the most part and having to be told when to trot (and on some lucky occasions, when to canter).

Facebook is something that I’ve never invested any time to and I feel so much better for not going near it. I’ve heard so many bad things about it – sure there’s no doubt plenty of good things associated with it, but the bad stories seem to keep popping up and for those of us who battle with our demons, it sure can be detrimental to our well-being.

Also, no need to apologise for your latest post – it was great. And that’s one of the things that so awesome about this site. You can come on hear and just let fly, to vent, to unload and get things off your chest (just as you’ve suggested).

Kind regards

Neil