Do i give her another chance?
Hi, i've been with my wife for just over 19 years and we 5 beautiful kids together. About 5 years ago i found out that she was having an affair so we separated and i moved out. We got back together after a month. She started a new job which i thought would be a great help for our family as we could do with the extra money.
In february this year i started noticing that she was acting really weird, very distant, wasn't eating much, lost weight, started wearing sexy underwear to work, always had her phone with her and always on silent, wouldn't come home after work, left really early for work, hadn't had sex in over 3 weeks, etc. She's always on facebook, posting photos (some a bit revealing) and getting a lot of messages. I questioned her about all this and i was told that there wasn't anything going on and that there wasn't anyone else. (She even swore on our kids lives). I did notice that one bloke she works with kept on liking nearly everything she was uploading.....
On Wednesday she came home from work and told me that it was over between us and there was no chance of us getting back together, she had fallen out of love with me and didn't want to work it out or go to counselling. I was an absolute mess, my whole world was shattered. i was in a very bad way for the next few days.
On Friday (2 days later) when she had just finished work and was supposed to go home a friend of mine seen her car and another car parked side by side in a car park hidden away from any main road. My friend described the other car and wrote down the plate. He then seen my wife and some bloke from her work get out of the back seat of his car then opened his boot and took his baby seat out and put it back inside his car. My friend called me and told me what he had just seen. Next thing you know my wife calls me and tells me that she was there thinking about our relationship and mentioned that she had seen my friend.
On Monday she messages me and says that she wants us to work it out and get our relationship back where it used to be.
On Tuesday (the very next day) she called me and said she was on her way home but I found her with the same guy in a different car park in the back seat of his car...They weren't doing anything only talking at this point. I found out later that they were sending nudes to eachother and meeting up. I find it hard to believe that they would only meet up to talk as she said to me.
Do I give her another chance for the sake of our family or walk away...
You are in a truly horrible situation and I really feel for you. 14 years then a problem, now another. I think this sort of situation makes trust impossible.
In any half way reasonable partnership there is trust, you know your partner is there for you, as you are for your partner. Really this means hope to get things back where they once were is not that likely.
You asked if you should give her another chance for the sake of the family. I can't answer that but can see that if you did get back together it would be a different sort of relationship - one which you might not be able to live with, I don't know.
If it was me I would be wondering when the next break-out was going to happen. This would affect how I felt every day. On top of everything else I'd be feeling I was unable to hold onto someone, and was a person it was OK to treat as second class. I'd know at the back of my mind I was not the one to blame and in all probability it was all my partner's shortcomings, however it would not really help.
You mentioned 5 children, do you mind if I ask how they are getting on with their mother absent? A family breakup is a huge thing in children's' lives.
One other thing, The problems were around 5 years apart if I understand correctly. Have you any thoughts about if you can expect things to settle down for a long period?
If it was me I would talk with my partner. Now that I'm aware of how she behaves when not being straightforward I'd look for signs that she was telling the truth (or not) and try to assess how genuine her motives are for wanting to return. If afterwards it is clear she is not genuine then I guess that is your answer. It is only if she does appear sincere the problem of what to do remains.
Do you have anyone in your life to talk with? A parent or other family member whose judgment you respect? A fresh view can lend perspective.
Replies from Croix and Tony are spot on.
If you were my brother what I would be saying is that it's gone on for too long, the trust has been broken and the chance for her to redeem herself is doubtful.
You are not sure whether or not anything is happening if you stay together, either way, it's heartbreaking for you and the rest of the family.
I please encourage that not only you but also your kids see your doctor, or perhaps the kids can get in contact with Reachout.
It would be great to hear back from you because we would like to continue on with this thread. Geoff.
Thank you all for your replies. She does seem genuine that she wants to work it out, she's booked into personal counselling, showing me her messages and she's more affectionate. She does say that she hates what she has done to me and the effect it's having on me and wishes she could turn back time.
The kids were very upset over what had happened, especially the younger 2 as they have aspergers and don't take change very well. She told the older 3 what happened and so did i. I asked for space and the space she gave me was to sleep at her sisters place for a few nights then return and sleep on our lounge. This helped the younger 2 kids cope much better.
I've been speaking to a good friend of mine who has gone through a similar thing and he has helped me out heaps. The thing i'm having trouble with is all the negative thoughts that keep coming back into my head, i don't know how to block them or let them out without them taking over my life and making me feel like crap.
I'm constantly anxious as she still works at the same place as him. We can't really afford for her to quit. I asked for her to change jobs but she won't get another job that pays like this and she really doesn't want to leave. She spoke to her boss and told him what had happened and asked for a transfer to their other site (no jobs going at the other site yet) and they aren't allowed to work together. Either way i know he's at work and she's at work and who knows if anything may happen again.
We are trying to work it out but i know that i will always have trust issues, even something very small will be blown out of proportion due to what's happened.
It's so hard because even after whats happened i still love her very much and can't see myself or her with anyone else.
Thank you for letting us know how you are getting on. You are a very level headed person - even if it does not seem that way to you at the moment. In a way I'm pleased you are attempting to make a go of it, such a long time together is worth a lot. Acknowledging you will not be able to trust as you have before and seemingly small incidents will be hard to cope with is a brave move. I realy hope your faith in your partner is rewarded.
Those negative thoughts you are having are sadly a price you are paying for her misbehavior. It is not fair, but unavoidable. If all goes well they will no doubt take a back seat over time.
I'm very glad you have that friend to talk with, it does make a huge difference, particularly has he has a personal understanding of what is involved.
After reading your latest post there is one thing I'd like to say, two children wiht Asberger's is a very hard and constant thing to deal with and I'm sure wears you both down a lot. While of course I don't know perhaps it may have been an influence in her behavior, escape sometimes seems unreasonably attractive.
Thanks Croix. The 2 kids with aspergers are definitely a handful at times but 4 days a week my wife is at dancing in the afternoon with the younges one, so theres a fair bit of time away and all our kids are in school.
Over the last couple of days it's been like a rollercoaster, one minute i'm ok and the next i think of what she's done and i get really down and my anxiety goes through the roof. Then i have a chat to her and sometimes it turns into a big argument and other times we talk it out without any fighting.
I'm taking it day by day at the moment and see how things go. I do want to work it out but i know that our relationship will never be the same because of this. I still love her but i really hate what she's done to me and our family.
I'm also worried that she will see this as me not being able to live without her and if she cheats again that i will take her back. Sometimes i'm very confused and theres so much going on.
I guess I'm not surprised you are finding it so hard, I think anyone would. You are entering a period where there is no clear direction and you have to rely upon your instincts and experience. A couple of things occurred to me, the first comes out of our obvious grief and feelings of loss.
You yourself say things are not going to be the same, the trust is broken and your general attitude will be different. I'm sure that pretty quickly your partner will come to realize this and and will see the effects of this incident. Under those circumstances I'm not sure you have to worry about her seeing you as a dependent and easy mark. If your behavior is now distant and colder then it may well seem the last chance to her - I hope so anyway.
The other is why argue? At first it may be hard not to, you are injured and hurt, and temper may make things seem easier for a little while. Simply stating what you want to say then leaving it at that is probably more effective. You do need boundaries, at last for a fair while.
Confusion is natural too, if it was me I'd be talking things over with your friend if he is willing, hearing another's thoughts are probably a good idea even if they only confirm what you were thinking anyway.
Things will sort out
Thanks Croix. She has apologised a few times and has said that she can see how much i'm hurt because of what she's done and she doesn't want to see me like this.
I'm the type of person who would rather forgive her and move on but it's always in the back of my mind and then i start thinking the worst may happen again. I'm trying to move forward but it's a long slow process.
I have to work hard on not arguing with her because i know that it's getting us no where, if anything it's making things worse for us. After we argue i feel like shit and feel that i have to apologise because i've said some nasty things in the heat of the moment.
As for boundaries, i've asked her to come off facebook and that lasted a whole 3 days before she asked me if she can go back on. She said she wanted it because she gets bored at work and our daughters netball gets organised through messenger.
I hope things get easier with a bit of time
I hope you don't mind me speaking frankly. you said I'm the type of person who would rather forgive her and move on
Well that shows you have a lovely nature but if it was me I'd think it too early to go down that path. Living back together is one thing, quick forgiveness in this situation - as it is not the first time - another. While it might be heart-breakng I'd keep some distance at the moment, and an open mind as to if it is all going to work out.
I'm not that impressed with her reason for wanting to go back on Facebook - bored does not stack up well compared to breaking up a family and your feelings and request. Your daughters' sport can be routed though you if it is important.
With arguing I'm surprised she feels in a position to do so.
I'm sorry this post may seem a little negative to you, I really do hope it works out