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DIstraught but still in love with someone I know I shouldn't be in love with

Community Member
I recently decided to ask out the love of my life after worrying about her not loving me. We chatted for a bit before I told her how I really felt, at first she was really supportive and seemed somewhat interested, although she flagged that she already had a boyfriend. After asking if we could hang out as friends she said her boyfriend was really overprotective, I pointed out that it probably wasn't healthy for her boyfriend to be so restrictive and she agreed and went off to break up with him. About an hour later we started talking again and she seemed interested in hanging out and getting to know each other better. Although after a while she became unresponsive and then her friend (or alter-ego) basically started to say that she didn't love me and that I shouldn't have talked to her as she was clearly uninterested. For about an hour I was on cloud 9 until I realised she had been messing with me all along and leading me on to her subsequently saying she didn't like me among other things. I'm distraught as Ioved her more than anyone else even though we didn't know each other well. I'm feeling depressed and have been feeling down since she showed her true colours. Despite her being somewhat mean leading me on and then ditching me I still love her very much and I don't know what to do. I've been crying myself to sleep for that past 2 days since it happened and don't know where/who to turn to as I'm a bit of a loner anyway.
7 Replies 7

Hi josh174,

Welcome to our friendly online forums, we are so grateful that you have reached out here tonight, as we know it can be really tough to do this for the first time. We are so sorry to hear about what happened when you opened up about your feelings. It sounds like it would have been quite a shock for you and we understand that this must have left you feeling very hurt and upset. But please know that this is a safe space to talk about your feelings with our wonderful community- hopefully a few of them will pop by and offer you some words of wisdom and advice.

If you'd like to talk these feelings through, please know that the Beyond Blue Support Service is available to you 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space.


Community Member
It's now been made clear to me that It was one of her 'friends' that was trolling me for most of the time but it still hurts because I don't know what was genuinely from her and what was from her friend. From previous conversation she has been really friendly and open but know I don't know and it's reignited what I think is depression/anxiety. At first when I was in early high school I just thought it was just a teenage mood swing but then my thoughts became more dark and I ended up cutting myself off from some of the few friends I had.😢

Hi Buddy.

I think there is a bit of lesion to be learnt hear - imagine for a moment that you girlfriend was inappropriately messaging another guy who was trying to get in with her. Think about it for a moment. 1. it's not htealthy to be interfering with one's relationship, 2. it's in no way healthy for you as you need someone single and ready to give you all the love you need and 3. you need to give your self the love and compassion that you deserve. Find someone who is not in a relationship because you can learn and understand what love is - they way you love yourself is how you love others. You don't want to split others up and be looked as a bad person - it's not a very good way to feel. Focus on you and be the best person you can be. \


Community Member

Hi josh147,

I can totally understand how you'd be feeling right now and why you still have feelings for her. I also understand that you're feeling hurt and upset and I can relate to this.

I just want to reassure you that things will pass. It didn't work out this time but at least you know now that this relationship (whether it be a friendship or more than that) between you and the girl isn't going to work out and you're no longer getting 'led on' by her.

It most probably will be hard for you to move on but the best advice I can give you is to think positive and to see this situation as a learning curve. Of course, it hurts, I totally get that, but there are so many things that you can learn from this experience.

I'm sure that you'll find a girl that puts in genuine time and effort towards you and you will reciprocate that too. For now, focus on you and how you feel. You need to start feeling confident again and attempt not to blame yourself (if you think it's your fault) for the situation.

I hope this helps and just know that everyone commenting on your post and I are here for you!

Good luck 🙂

She said she didn't have a SO

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Josh174,

It sounds to me as though she did kind of like you, although has a significant other so probably wanted to flip back and forth a bit and then made up her mind that she shouldn’t do that. I used to be a bit like that when I was younger and didn’t really give much thought to how it affected the other person/people, I was just immature and wanted some fun. How old is this girl if you don’t mind me asking?

I suppose the only consolation that you can take from this is that she probably does like you in some way shape or form. But has decided to commit to her relationship, which preceded her knowing that you are interested. It sucks, but it’s better than you two being in some off and on again thing, which tends to happen with these things in my experience and will only end up with you getting hurt. I’d refocus your attentions elsewhere and find an available girl who can give you what you’re after. Just be prepared that this girl will probably suddenly be interested in you and try to derail things

She's about a year younger than me, I'm 18.