Disowning relatives

[white knight]

10 years ago I turned 58yo and forcibly retired from work due to MH issues. I needed to regroup, put myself, my daughter and my wife ahead of- everyone. Like many I had a toxic family that ranged from borderline PD to bipolar to anxiety and the dreaded narcissism. Having my own bipolar, anxiety and high functioning autism (recent revelation), I was not much different to my blood relatives except for the narcissism.

Ok, that said I decided to give some relatives one last chance which fed my need to not hold any guilt in the future by rash decisions.

There is the hard and the easy way to cope with rejecting relatives. With previous attempts when younger I'd crumble at the thought, then crumble again when I grieved for them, so I had become a boomerang family member. When I returned to my family the narcs were happy not to talk about what the issue was, to resolve so recurrence didnt happen, so again and again it repeated.

But something changed at 58yo. I decided a few things-

• that blood relatives no longer automatically had my presence, that I had the right to reject them for a peaceful existence.
• that seeking stability I needed to ensure I didnt have unstable people in my life, that I was to create my own "more" stable world
• that my wife should no longer carry the burden of my family upsets when she had come from a stable upbringing
• that 58 years was long enough and if I was lucky enough to last another 25 years that I could choose then to mould those years into happier times

The above decision making says it all and I've gradually found peace from family problems. Yes, the occasional relative I still have in my life will call and ask if they can mediate and I politely decline. Those calls are examples of the triangulation from rejected family members.

Do I miss them- oh, yes, but the cycle would return if I allowed them back in. My family ensured that guilt was a major weapon so I know my guilt especially that my 93yo mother is still alive, would eat at me. But alas, if I visited her after so many years I know the guilt would be her priority then she'd haunt me from her grave. 

Troubled people have to build a world around themselves and only issue passes to those that either understand or have a level of loyalty that you feel safe with. 

These are desperate situations, suicidal thoughts, attempts, suffering through rage and comments from despicable people. Being blood does not mean you are a punching bag.

If thats you then untie the rope, let that bag drop...

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Tony,

Yes, my brother is clearly trying to make me feel like I’ve done something wrong by confiding in another relative. It was purely out of the need to express what had happened to me at the time and to just share with another human for support. If my brother keeps on at me about it I’ll just say something like, “You’re angry at me for telling the truth and seeking human support when traumatised?” He really does care more about social impressions than substance and reality. I feel he has been so emotionally absent and betrayed me as a brother. I have always had his back and supported him through so much but he really doesn’t have my back.

What you say about people trying to use guilt to suppress others is so true. It’s a really ugly behaviour. I have no respect for people who do it. When people start lying and guilt-tripping, that is the point I just walk away now. Life is too short for that and I only want to reach out and connect with kind souls who simply don’t do those behaviours.

Tony, your motorcycle design sounds fantastic. What an awesome thing to do. You gave a great response too to the couple of unpleasant critics. I think calling them out in a clear, honest, positive way like that shuts down them having any power over you. Everything you say is true and they can’t successfully argue with it.

I don’t know what shape my relationship with my brother will take in the future, if there will be total estrangement or tenuous occasional contact, but I think even if there’s still contact it will be even more distant than currently. I agree with what you said in the linked post - it can be as important as medical treatment to not have certain people in our lives. That is 100% true in the case of my brother’s partner. No contact is a no brainer with her. It’s more complex with my brother yet if he keeps trying to force her back in my life it becomes simpler. I’m prepared to discontinue contact if I have to for my own health and well being. It’s taken me a while to get to that stage because it felt so heartbreaking, but now my body is saying no and the feeling of needing to separate is getting stronger.

Thanks so much for your support Tony,

ER

[randomxx]

Maybe it's a me weird thing ldk but honestly, l had absolutely no idea brothers or sisters would even be in our lives at these sort of ages but it amazes me it's right through bb it's everywhere, not only the few of us in this thread.

let alone being some problem or messing with our lives l'd had thought no hope they'd all be off in their own lives and families 20yrs ago, especially me as l have been mostly right through myself. We have a huge family there's just no way you could even manage more anyway they're everywhere it'd be too much. To me it was always pretty simple most of us got along with 2 or 3 of the others so they'd probably stay in touch with whomever but wouldn't even see others except at maybe a Christmas every 3 or 4yrs.

God almighty l just wanna live my live in bliss and mind my own business and l do and have for yrs mostly family wise how is it even possible you still end up getting dragged into one or two idiots bs and why, who could even be bothered with such rubbish yaknow, it's just beyond me.

Anyway , for me there's been some great talk and answers through all this so thks ER and Tony. l mean even the to ok , say hello , but just don't bother with much more, that alone l wasn't sure about myself bc l know, exactly as you said Tony if you don't that will end up starting more crap .

And the not talking about it to others well not too much , kinda suits my situation too bc l can believe some of the madness in convos l've had last few mths with a brother and one of the sisters too about the bs the others ones been causing.

Same thing if someone had told me yrs ago l'd be dealing with that rubbish now, God almighty. And it's too much, l just wanna back any of that off too l think.

Er , sadly that really is rock and a hard place unless they ever split up. Agree with Tony anything between you and bro with get back to her and be twisted into more bs unfortunately , he's too chicken shyt to put her back in her place and as you say he has his other views too so , ldk.

Had a gf back in the day like your bros w,she was jealous around my family but especially the girls, and especially this one causing trouble lately. Ex w was always v stand offish round her too but she'd manage to at least chit chat, keep the peace.

But that gf was always getting the shyts around them and later she'd try railroading me .

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx and Tony,

Rx, yes, it does seem like just backing off from it all can be the best way to go. Just getting on with your life and letting the messed up stuff slide away. That is starting to feel like the only way forward for me. I can't rescue my brother or make the situation better. Like you I never imagined to be in this situation with my brother at this point in life. Though looking back the writing was on the wall in terms of the way we were raised differently and the different ways we have unfolded as people because of that. Yet, I still always thought there was a certain bond that couldn't be broken. Possibly that bond will always still be there at some level even if we aren't in each other's lives, if that makes any sense.

I feel like looking for human relationships in life that are balanced, genuine, honest and caring is the most important thing. I think having connections that are healthy and balanced helps counter the experiences that haven't been healthy and balanced. More and more I'm only orienting to that which I can intuitively feel is healthy. I think you know those healthy relationships because after spending time with the person you feel at ease and peaceful as well as enriched by the experience. When you are feeling the opposite of those things it is not such a good sign.

May we all find peace and meaningful connections,

ER

[randomxx]

Ps , wish l could see your trike master piece btw too Tony, it's sounds a classic.

Never ridden a trike l did use to ride though and had a bikes back when.

[white knight]

Mental choices can help with grief.

ER, if you can fondly recall the good times of the past of your brother, as if he's another person, you'll smile. In your mind accept that he is no longer that person now, he is now his captors husband. Regardless of the domination of her over him, her manipulation,  that is his responsibility even if he's totally unaware.

When he married her he relented on leaving his individuality, he passed it to her as a puppet would pass their strings. Strong people wouldn't allow that to happen.

We all have choices. 

TonyWK 

[white knight]

one of the very few in the world with a roof. lol

[Eagle Ray]

Tony, a puppet is the exact word I thought of recently in terms of what he is to her. If he does try to assert a boundary with her she throws a tantrum and then he runs after her to make it better. She knows she has power over him. It’s very disturbing and keeping my distance from that craziness is necessary.

I miss my little brother who was such a sensitive little boy. He started to change in mid adolescence during which he considered himself very important. He would literally walk around the house puffing out his chest saying “I’m good”. Whereas I was very quiet, shy and unassuming and had very little sense of self worth or value. This was to do with the starkly different ways our mother treated us. He was encouraged by my mother to view me with the same critical, disdainful, judgmental lens that she did. The current partner has brought out the narcissistic streak in him more and cut him off from his heart more than ever. It’s like he has been contorted by her in order to serve her interests. But, as you say, it is his choice to stay in that situation. They aren’t actually married but live together with their finances and everything now intertwined, orchestrated by her of course to ensure he is trapped in her web. I realise that those disturbing fairytale stories with wicked characters are no exaggeration. They are lessons about life and real kinds of people who exist.

Anyway, thank you for your thoughts. Like Rx I’d love to see your trike design. I learned to ride a motorcycle at 16 on a relative’s farm. I loved it actually and at various times thought about getting a license, but I think that’s pretty unlikely now.

Thanks again,

ER

[randomxx]

Haaa, a trike with a top now that does sound v cool.

That'd come in handy too up where l am on the Murray, could just imagine cruising about on that baby up here with the heat and sun.

Actually l'll take it over to the other thread we're talking in for that one but anyway.

sHame er , ldk wth happens to people , family. Well we know she's the thing and our partner does come first if it comes to that l guess but, never the less.

As l was saying, if someone had told me l'd be getting crazy brother sister hassles at this age l'd say they were dreaming.

lf it's any consolation after hearing more of what Tony and Croix to somehwre has had to say on this stuff, l kind of regret now texting that sister the other wk now, she didn't deserve it and it'll be most likely just twisted up and used against me somewhere later anyway the way she's acting , even though there was absolutely nothing bad and only good intentions in it.

Probably how it with turn out with your brother too if you did try , God knows. l've never been into fun and games especially with family but seems to be the way it gets even at these ages, madness. cAN't even wrap my head around it nor even want to bother.

rx

[Guest_16219302]

The very first time I have related to absolutely everything someone has been through with blood family thank you so much for sharing as I will try my absolute best to stay strong and distant myself also 

[white knight]

Your post means a lot. Sometimes we miss the mark in our guidance but reassurance that we've helped is gold.

Thankyou so much. 

TonyWK