Devastated

[JayB72]

After seven years with my beautiful wife she has recently told me she wants to separate. To say I’m devastated is an understatement and I feel completely blindsided.

When I said I was blindsided she appeared shocked that I didn’t see it coming. We had great intimacy two holidays planned and paid for and seem to be moving on nicely.

I’ve asked if she wants to go see someone as a couple and she’s adamant it’s over.

It’s only been a month and I’m so confused and can hardly function. I feel like such a weak man and I see my wife slowly starting to hate me and that just isn’t warranted.

Can’t sleep, can’t eat and do nothing but cry (I’m not very good at crying)

I have given up my whole life to be with my wife, I’ve lost my relationship with my kids (first marriage) my well paying career and any financial security that I once had.

I’m soon to be a 51yo with not enough money to buy a house and don’t have the income to rent, for the first time in my life I’m terrified.

My wife and I own a small business together and going to work and seeing her function as normal just makes things worse. 

I just don’t know what to do. 

J 😞

[Squishy13]

Hi J

That sounds brutal. I'm sorry about what you're going through.

Personally I think the thing you need most is an explanation. Is there any way she would be willing to communicate her reasons to you? If she is adamant the relationship is over there isn't anything you can do about that, but in order for you to resume your life and put things into action, you need to be able to understand why it has ended, or at least be told why she thinks it is over. I would ask her to just please provide that so you can begin moving on.

The other thing I would do, if you have the time and resources, is to find a new hobby or interest. It sounds like it's time for you to put yourself first and think about how you are going to make your life work now. And as you've done here, find support. I'm sure you will have people who will want to help you and listen. It's really important to open up, so good on you for taking that step.

Good luck with it all.

[Dean07]

Sorry you are in this situation. It sucks. 
You just have to do what is right for you. Use it as a chance to work out what you want and build a life around that.  
The person that asks for the divorce is way ahead of the other person as far as processing the change.  
Use any support networks that you have.  
I’m 63 and just started down the divorce road after a 30 yr marriage. 
I don’t have any easy answers for you but I’m told things get better with time.  

I’ve read about grief and divorce. Joined a couple of facebook groups on men and divorce. 
I have joined the Complete Men’s Group which meets every Tuesday night via Zoom. Australia based, has a moderator. It’s a safe place to talk about what it happening and get worries out. 

I’ve found the loneliness the toughest. Finding people to connect with seems to help me the most. 
Good luck. 

[JayB72]

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Very much appreciated. 

[JayB72]

Thank you Dean, I have been looking at some men’s groups. Thanks for taking the time to reply. 

[Dean07]

You are very welcome.  It’s a time when we need to support each other. 

How are you travelling now?
I find my emotions can change very quickly. Day to day and sometimes hour to hour.  I’ve found allowing myself to feel them and except them as part of the process has helped. Feeling crap sometimes is okay. 

I had an amazing Men’s Group tonight. We have a task over the next month, if we choose, to ask the questions.   Who am I?  What do I want?  How do I show up in the world?

There is supporting documents to help out with the process.  
I’m really looking forward to seeing what answers I get and seeing what other people in the group find. 

Hope you are holding up okay. 

[JayB72]

Hey Dean you nailed it on the head, my emotions are everywhere but happy at the moment, one second I’m plugging along the next I’m running for cover about to cry uncontrollably. 
thanks again, I’ll have to find a men’s group. 

[Dean07]

It’s great that you are happy atm. 
I had a bad day today.  I was thinking how sad it is that my marriage failed and that I’ll miss my wife.  We were sorting out some financial issues as well. I was very anxious about that. 
Luckily my wife came to the rescue. During the discussion she put me down, belittled me and in general reminded me why I’m not a good as her.  I found this very helpful as it reminded me of why I want a divorce.  
Managed to get over feeling sad quite quickly really.  😁

Come and join our men’s group. You could come and have a quick look. If it’s not for you just log off no one will judge you for it. The people that run the site won’t chase you with advertising or try to sell you something. It’s set up for people to attend when and if you want to.  I wasn’t sure what to expect on my first meeting but it was great.  I find I come away with a burden lifted off after talking about is really worrying me.  

[JayB72]

thanks so much 

[JayB72]

Hey Dean, thanks again. Is there a link or sign up page for the men’s group?