Depression and anxiety causing marriage issues or marriage issues causing depression and anxiety ??

CassJo80 · ‎06-01-2017

I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for 4. We have 2 kids together and are just about finished building our dream home.

For the best part of the last 10 years he has worked away at least 6 days a week sometimes longer up to 3 weeks.

I have always worked full time and looked after our children while he is away with the support of other family members.

Over this time I have struggled with depression and anxiety but have saught help from my GP and received medication and also counceling.

Due to the fact that he was just never around I always just learnt to keep myself so busy with working, sports, volunteer work and the kids I didn't notice that part of my life missing. He is such a hard worker and I know he does it to support us but it has taken a huge toll on our marriage.

We have slowly drifted apart over the years and I have just learnt to do everything on my own. We don't function like a "normal" couple. I wouldn't know what it's like to come home to a husband to debrief my day with , help with the kids, cook dinner with or just adult company.

Its probably worth mentioning that we have a 13 year old son with ADHD & ODD. who is getting increasingly violent and defiant with starting high school. This has also put a huge strain on me and our marriage. I feel ALOT of resentment towards my husband for leaving me on my own to deal with all of this even though I have voiced my struggles repeatedly.

A this point I find myself really struggling with the symptoms of my depression and anxiety. I have moved out of our family home because I just feel I need to get away. I can't give my husband any affection and the thought of being intimate with him makes me physically ill. I have asked for space from our relationship because I have lost all desire for him and just feel numb towards him most of the time. The more I asked for space to get some perspective the more he pushes me to make a long term decision.

Let me make this clear, I don't want to seem like I'm trying to portray myself as an innocent victim in this situation. I have my demons and I have made my fair share of mistakes for which he has forgiven but has resulted in him having trust issues and feels very insecure when I ask for space.

I don't know if these ill feelings I have towards our marriage are a result of my depression or if our relationship is aggrivating it?? The thought of even trying to reconcile seems soo overwhelming and initiates more anxiety? Please help

Quiettall · ‎06-01-2017

Hi CassJo

I sympathise with you. It must have been hard holding things together while your husband was away. I can well understand why you feel so exhausted and at the end of your tether. There is no point in pointing blame at either yourself or him. It really comes down to working out between you whether you want a long term relationship, on what grounds and conditions, and what you are both prepared to do to achieve that for yourselves and your kids.

There are a number of links on BB dealing with anxiety, as well as there being other support services like Relationships Australia you can turn to for support. Having time out from each other is not a bad thing in this situation. It might give you both some space to re-assess where you are going, review what has happened, and what you are looking for now in your individual and joint lives

Keep posting. There are others here who can offer more support and advice than I have above.

white knight · ‎06-01-2017

Hi CJ, welcome.

Seems your bucket is full.

Most of what you describe is more for trained mental health professionals and a family counsellor.

from what I see your depression and the marriage collapse are both to blame. I say this because it isn't productive to analyse every aspect of your life to find what is a conclusion. Your depression is a big part of your persona, not something that blame should be aimed at.

you have had so much on your plate. Add to that both if you working and gee, an ADHD teen to boot.

I agree with Quiet all, Relationships Australia would be a good move.

Finslly, your lack of desire for intimacy is normal ATM. Keep a calm head and when going to counselling think of some radical changes like insisting he change jobs for normal hours.

Tony WK

geoff · ‎07-01-2017

dear CassJo, you know to build your dream home can only benefit you if the rest of your life is going along without any hiccups, but unfortunately it isn't happening this way, so your dream home doesn't actually mean very much to you at the moment, because all these other issues are now taking control on how you are feeling.
When a spouse/partner works away from the family home for themain majority of the week, they don't understand what you have to deal with while he's away, sure he maybe making good money, but sometimes you wonder whether money overshadows the good of the family, and in most cases the family will suffer, and that's what's happening with you now.
With this is that you are also working full time, I would presume to help pay off the house, but the same issue happens here, so is having the house paid off when the family isn't coping, better than paying it off with the family all getting on well, well the answer for me is yes, the family needs to come first, especially when you have a child suffering from ADHD and OCD and who may need a bit more attention.
Whether you feel as though there is a form of jealousy, maybe self jealousy or romantic jealousy as it's sometimes called, but don't go, so I can explain myself.
What I'm trying to say is that this could be because you have low self esteem and certainly the inadequacy in your marriage feeling as though you have been abandoned, so with all of this there could be no way you want to be intimate with someone that you don't really know.
You are unable to make any long term decisions, because who are you making them with, someone where contact and communication has come to an end, and for him to feel insecure about whether or not you are being unfaithful is where his jealousy takes hold.
I feel as though you need to look after yourself now, that's the most important part to this, because if you aren't feeling well then how is it possible to run a family by yourself. Geoff. x

pipsy · ‎07-01-2017

Dear CassJo. You seem to be alone in a non-existent relationship. Relationships only work when two of you are together, which you are not. You have struggled so much with a son with mental health issues which you've had to deal with - alone. You've held 'it' together for so long, you are tired, emotionally, physically. Hubby has no idea because he isn't there, when he is, everything seems 'normal' so he cheerfully leaves for his job leaving you to pick up the reins again. I think your biggest problem isn't so much resentment of him as resentment because you're tired of being alone in a non-existent relationship. It's hardly surprising if you have felt a pull towards another guy. Whether you would act on your feelings is something only you know the answer to. You are an innocent victim actually, you've had your demons -yes, but they are not self inflicted. Leaving him alone in the house simply means living with a virtual stranger is uncomfortable. The longer you remain apart, the more independent you become. Hubby returns, but he is a stranger because his absence has meant adjusting to being a 'solo' mum. I actually would ignore his jealousy, whether there's some truth or not, if he loved you, he would be there and support you. All the money in the world isn't going to replace these 'lost' years. He has to acknowledge fault too.

Lynda