Depressed Partner

[Danny123]

Hi all,I just am so worried about my partner (she asked for time and space so I guess you can say we are taking a break). I love her so much and am doing everything I can to help (to the best of my ability anyway). She said she is so consumed with hopelessness and emptiness. We have 2 kids and considering her circumstances, is doing a great job with them ( I share the load and stay home every second weekend and a couple of nights a week, while she has her time away from home), we don’t live together at the moment. I guess I am so scared of losing her, she is seeing a psych and he changed her meds 3 weeks ago. We have been together 14 years, and I am finding that she will message me out of the blue saying I want you to know I really miss you, and when I see her she asks for a hug and would give me a kiss, she would sometimes grab my hand and kiss it...what do I need to do? I can’t loose her, I don’t want to loose her, she says right now she is so messed up, she doesn’t know what she wants or is even thinking, I worry so much that she is including us in that thought? It first happened about 8 weeks ago that she said we need time out from each other, first she said she needs to find herself again and what she loves, she said the last 1.5 years in our relationship has been hard, which I know we put up walls and COVID didn’t help, home schooling, me being home 24/7 (had to work from home), she lost her dad 2 weeks before lockdown... its only been the last 4 weeks however, that she has said she is depressed... I give her her space, and I find it so hard not to message her to tell her I love her and I am here, but I don’t want to push her away... she says she wants her family back, but then I loose hope when she says “ I don’t want to see anyone, I don’t even want to speak to people (other than her psych) she said “ I can’t believe I am even talking to you right now.... is this normal?? What do I need to do to make sure we get through this, and I say US because I will NOT allow her to push me away and I am with her the whole way (although she says I deserve so much better), to me she is perfect... Does she really miss me even though she rarely says it... I told her I loved her the other night and I said, I don’t expect you to say it back right now, but she did, she said I do love you too... but today, just seems she has gone backwards a little. Any advice will help - thank you all for reading 😞

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to the forums.

I cannot speak for your wife. All I can do is give examples from my own life. In my own words there appeared in the your wife's words words some contradictions... for example, missing you but wanting to be alone. With depression I may not want to be around people. At the same time I know that can be good for me.

Why would I want to be alone ... ? I don't want my wife to see my like this. If she sees e like this she might not want to be with me. Shame. Embarrassment. Unsure how my partner might react.The walls can be how we have learnt to deal with situations. At the same time I can also see how much you care for and love your partner.

Perhaps these are some things she is working through with her professionals.

I would also say that without any depression the last 12 months would have been quite stressful for anyone.

There are pages on the beyond blue web site for partners which you might want to look at. It is also OK for you to talk to a professional as well - to talk about the situation and work through your thoughts and feelings. You could also get perspectives from family and friend ... in a mindful way such you dont overstep any boundaries set by your partner. I hope that makes sense.