Depressed partner needs space/broke up with me?!

[Aisha181]

I don’t know what to do. We are both 29 and been together for over a year.
I thought we were so happy together but over the last two months we have had one minor issue which I couldn’t seem to resolve with him. Every time I tried to bring it up he would shut down and cry/hyperventilate/get angry. Then I would end up comforting him but he wouldn’t tell me a thing.

He had been talking about the future with me and giving me a key to his place just a week before he ended it. Then two nights before we were supposed to go away, he did something that crossed my boundaries(so obviously) We had our first proper fight. The next night he came over a blubbering mess and pretty much ended it. He was digging for problems and making out like I was this person that I’m not. He said he can’t keep seeing a psych(first time I’d heard about it) he could barely stand he was that upset. He ended up running out on me as he couldn’t handle it. I was so distraught I was left wailing in the corridor of my apartment.

He came over last night for a chat. He looked terrible. He hugged me so tight. He said he knows I love him to bits. I said I want to do it with you. I want to be RIGHT beside you. I held his hand and he pushed his face into mine. Hes had it for over 15 yrs. He refuses medication because it only masks the problem?! I guess something really dark has happened to him when he was young. He won’t talk about it though. He’s such a private person and only one person knows about how much he suffers.
He’s been hiding it for YEARS.

He tried to explain it to me.. that he can’t see colours.. all he sees is darkness. He can barely get himself out of bed to eat breakfast. He said he needs a break from everything. I understood him. But I could tell he didn’t want to tell me where I stood. I got up and asked if he needed space from me and he nodded. He told me he had been sleeping on my pillow all week. I asked why and he said he didn’t know.

I asked him if he still loved me. He said he thinks he does but he doesn’t know because he can’t feel anything. He just cried and I hugged him and said he has way too much to live for. He was so sad and looked so hopeless. We hugged and cried for about 10 minutes. I am so broken for him. I know deep down he loves me dearly. I just know.

It worries me that no one knows and he’s determined to keep it to himself. I told him I don’t ever want to lose him from my life and that I am here. I’ll give him space but am I supposed to check in with him?

[quirkywords]

Welcome Aisha to the forum ,this is a supportive place.

It is hard to write your first post and you have expressed yourself so well.

Well done and people will relate to both you and your partner.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and, you aren't alone . Maybe that will make you feel better.

I can feel your love and compassion for your for your partner through your words.

Depression is very deceptive and it can lie to us and it makes us feel worthless and saps our energy. Depression can make us push people away and then complain we are lonely.

I think you need to look after yourself and maybe your partner know you will be there for him for support if he needs it. You could ask is it ok to keep in touch by text or phone.

Could you consider writing to your boyfriend a letter or an email and explain what you feel for me and how you are prepared to give him space?

Would you consider seeing a therapist yourself to work through this.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky