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Depressed husband-unfaithful

Maree56
Community Member
Hello all, i’ve got a bit of a messed up situation at the moment. My husband of 3 yrs has been depressed for 8 months but has had a lot of pressure put on him in the last few months that have severely compounded his depression. His parents have been relying on him a lot (too much) and we have also taken in a houseguest who is getting out of a physically abusive relationship and needed a safe place to stay (mutual friend). We have a child, and my husband has been telling me to leave him alone and just focus on caring for the child. our relationship has been strained because of the extra person living with us and the baggage that birngs. A lot of his time has been spent helping them and supporting them with things (like retrieving belongings). It is clear he is burnt out from the extra effort he is exerting to help everyone else. The past two weeks there has been a significant shift in the way he treats me -He cries whenever we talk about anything and cant even look at me. He says he is ashamed and that he doesnt want to hurt me so is staying away from me. I found wvidence that him and the house guest have been sleeping together- i am shattered because i trusted him completely, now i feel like im stuck. they are both severely depressed and very close to suicidal so i have not told either that i know and have carried on as normal. He tells me he wants “space to work himself out” which i have been giving him, but he also doesn’t want either of us to leave/anything to change. Told me he wanted space, i asked what that looks like and he replied with idk just let me work it out.
this is a really shitty situation because i dont want either of them to do anything silly (suicide), i can’t ask the guest to leave because there is no family or anywhere else they can go, but i also (obviously) don’t want the cheating to continue. I feel like my husband is not himself (depressed) and that has lead to being unfaithful- i see how distressed he is and i just want him to feel better. I think he feels ashamed that he has done this, but won’t actually tell me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. I think i will just keep calm and carry on for the moment, give him space- in a 3 day lockdown, haha. I hope that things get better for all involved.

just feeling really overwhelmed with all of this, not specifically asking for advice, just looking for some support/encouragement and being able to share whats going on (albeit online).
15 Replies 15

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hey Maree56,

Wishing you a very warm welcome to these friendly and non-judgemental forums, we are really grateful that you decided to reach out here for support. We are so sorry to hear what you've been going through, and can hear how overwhelming and painful this situation must be for you. Having to cope with all of this while being in a 3-day lockdown must be incredibly difficult, but please know that we are all here to support you. We hope that you find this to be a safe space to continue sharing your thoughts and feelings, and our caring community will be here to offer as much support and advice as you need through this.

We think it might also really help to be able to talk these feelings through with our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able help offer support, advice and referrals, to help both you and your husband during this time. If you're interested, our friends at Relationships Australia are also another great service who provide relationship support for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships. You can reach out to them on 1300 364 277, or also through their website: https://www.relationships.org.au/

We hope that you can find some comfort and support from our wonderful community here, and please feel free to keep sharing and updating us on how you've been feeling- whenever you are ready to. 

jumpyjellyfish-
Community Member

Hey Maree56,

I join Sophie_M in welcoming you to the forums and praise your honesty and ability to reach out.

I'm sorry that you feel so stuck... being in the position where you feel you can't react to what's going on, especially as you mentioned the events between your house guest and your husband I can only imagine is incredibly challenging.

I just wanted to let you know that it takes a great deal of insight and emotional intelligence, and says a lot about your character that you can recognise potentially the triggers behind your husband's behaviours and choose to allow your husband to try and work things out... that being said I understand that it is a really unfair and confusing situation you have been put in and you should not have to feel obligated to just let these things happen and become overwhelming as you described feeling.

The fact that you can reach out and speak openly about what's happening to you proves that you want help, and rest assured you deserve to get that assistance to get through this. Calling or web chating with the services that Sophie_M mentioned above will be of great help I'm sure in helping you find ways to manage what's going on.

Just want to reiterate that you are incredibly strong and you will get through this and even though it takes time you are deserving of a relationship that is healthy and compassionate. Keep reaching out when you need it and all the best 🙂

Guest909
Community Member

Hi Maree

You are a wise, caring woman.

When you are both ready, you and your husband can talk this through with the help of a couples counsellor; if that is what you want.

Keep and eye on him, it sounds like he is in a bad place; you both are.

Please stay in touch if you need support.

Paul

Thealth
Community Member
Hi there. I am sorry to hear about what you're going through. I know it is easier said than done, but if you look at your situation from outside of the box, it's clear that you have to confront them and be mad if you must. Their depression is not an excuse to do that to you. I couldn't imagine the pain. Hugs!

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

As others have said you are a strong person facing a complicated situation.

you are so considerate of everyone’s else’s needs but you do need to think about yourself while trying to understand .

Maree56
Community Member
Thankyou for the welcome and kind words of support.

Maree56
Community Member
Update of sorts.
so i had a long discussion with my husband this morning, the most we have spoken openly in a while. He told me he wants to leave, that he still cares for me and our child but needs to be happy. He feels like he cant be happy here, which kills me. Keeps saying its not me (classic) but how can i think otherwise. I gave him space that he asked for, trusting he was working on himself and his depression and instead he filled it with another woman. I feel so foolish to have trusted him, i didn’t see this coming. I have not revealed that i know about the cheating yet. I did tell him i am no longer comfortable with our guest staying with us, as it has impacted too much on his health and our marriage. He has agreed to “trying to work things out together” but I don’t even know where to begin.
feeling so lost, hurt, alone.

Guest909
Community Member

Hi Maree

I'm so sorry things turned out this way. This is not what you wanted; I know.

Don't feel "foolish", you gave him the benefit of the doubt, which is a lot more than most would do in your position. Given this latest revelation, it's time to start looking after you. It's also time to show him and the visitor the door; but that is your decision. If you feel like venting, let him know that you know about the affair.

As to where to begin, I would suggest you visit your GP and ask for a "Mental Health Care Plan". The GP may also prescribe something to help with the anxiety. This "plan" will give you access to a Medicare funded phycologist that will help you work through this disaster. You will need help; you can't do it alone. Do you have family close by?

In the meantime, Sophie_M has given you some suggestions (see post above) for immediate support over the phone. I don't know how helpful that will be, but it's worth a phone call.

Stay in touch if you are up to it!

Paul

Maree56
Community Member

Hello Paul,

thankyou for your replies, both have been a great help. Thankyou for the advice on the mental health plan, i will be arranging an appointment later in the week after lockdown is lifted.
yes this is definitely not where i saw things going. We have been talking and crying all day about what we want (mostly him) he is so depressed i just want him to be happy. He told me that if our son had not been born he would have killed himself already - this absolutely shatters me to know that the last few years have been so miserable for him (yet he did not tell me anything). He says that he thought things would get better and he would be ok, but he cant go on anymore. I respect and appreciate the honesty in what he is telling me but feel it is way to late- its nothing i can act on, my whole world has been thrown out the window in a day. Our financial situation does not help as neither can afford to live separately so idk what to do. At least we both agree that we must do what is best for our child.

im sorry, this reply turned into a rambling rant of sorts.

thank you again for the kind words.