Depressed and getting to the point of uncertainty

[Emski]

I' ve been battling depression for the last 13 years, I never thought I had depression until I saw my doctor. I was bullied from grade 5&6 all the way through high school. At first I thought and was convinced that I was the problem because I wasn't sure why I'd always end up with no friends, then I came to realise I was being bullied because people didn't like me.

I grew up in the eastern Suburbs of Melbourne and ended up moving to the West when I was 11 (this is when my depression started) I hated that we moved as I lost all of my friends. When I started at my new school I made friends although I was shy at first, not long after I was picked on by a girl who I thought was my friend, this then spiralled as she told the other girls not to like me. Most people thought I was a rich little kid as I always had nice things, and without sound like an idiot I was actually a pretty cute little kid, fair hair, tanned skin etc, as a result jealousy would always come into play. I never went around acting like I was better than anyone and I certainly wasn't, all I wanted to do was fit in.

As a result of the  bullying I decided to leave high school and start working so I got a full time job. I made friends with some great people who I adore. Few yrs later I ended up changed jobs. I kept in contact with a few girls who I loved very much, one of the girls became my soul mate, we would talk every day. I opened up to her and told her my life story, she too went through depression. She even dragged me to the doctors once as knew that I was troubled, a few years later she ended up killing herself, I had no idea this was even on her mind as she always seemed so happy (I do this too.. put on a happy face when deep down it hurts).

Having lost my only true friend I didn't know what to do, I ended up in a car accident (hoping it was the end but it wasn't, I even closed my eyes and relaxed). I got addicted to pain killers and started drinking alcohol. My life was a mess! I was even living on my own so no one was able to see the state I was in. I then turned to illegal drugs.

Today I am proud to say that I'm clean, I'm not drinking or taking drugs, I've been trying to get my life back on track but I often question why I'm even bothering, what do I have to live for? this crosses my mind on a weekly if not daily basis. I have no friends, people think my life is perfect but it's not. I don't even feel like I belong to my own family.

Not sure where to go or what to do..

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[AGrace]

Hi Emski,

Welcome! 

Congratulations on getting clean and sober!

The environment we are brought up in shapes our personalities, and can have adverse impacts on us later in life. Moving and changing schools was the only constant in my life, and making friends was a struggle. So I understand where  you've come from.  Bullying also has a strong impact on our self worth and self esteem. The thing with bullying is that it's a reflection of the bully not the victim, but after a time of being exposed it's easier to convince yourself that you're the one with the issues. 

In terms of why you're bothering, there are 2 people you have to do this for. Yourself most importantly, and your deceased friend. There is so much you still have to live for and look forward to. Your friend convinced you to seek help because she knew how difficult it is to struggle alone. If she is looking down on you now, she would be saying the same thing. 

Are you working at the moment? 

Perhaps this effort you've taken to reach out for support can be your turning point. If you're not already doing so, then I'd look at seeing a Psychologist. You are worthy of this professional help. Talking through your thoughts and feelings with someone is a good place to start. 

Once you start to rebuild a bit of confidence then start looking at some ways to meet people. Perhaps join a gym class, a book club, a support group, a sporting club, an art class, or something else you have even a slight interest in. 

Do you want a family of your own? Once you start meeting people and socialising a bit more, maybe you want to focus your attention on meeting someone special. 

I know you mentioned you left school, perhaps going back and doing some studies might give you a sense of purpose and achievement, and even open doors for alternate career prospects. 

The thing is we have to work on one thing at a time, otherwise it looks so overwhelming.  You might also like to check out some techniques for improving your self worth and self esteem in the interim. Using some affirmations, doing one pleasurable activity per day, writing down at least one thing you are grateful for each day, pampering yourself etc.

I'd also say be true to who you are. If you're wearing a mask of happiness or perfection this can be really exhausting. Your efforts a better spent on letting others see the real you. That's what people look for in others,  genenuity. 

We are all here for you.  I hope you will get back to us. 

AGrace

[HelenM]

Hi Emski

AGrace has written a really good post and I hope it helps you along the way.

I think to lose a close friend to suicide must be horrendous and I wonder if it's something you ever get over. However you still have a life to live. With help and by trying various approaches towards recovery, ie medication, holistic healing, counselling (of which there are many very good types) and taking little risks here and there, you will move forward. Be very kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself. Even if things feel pointless try to believe they're not. There really is so much to live for it's just that you're lost right now.

Take care, Helen

[Emski]

Hi AGrace,

Thank you for your post.

Yes I work full time, 6 days a week. I have a great job which I love, when it reaches the end of the week I can't wait for Monday to get back to work. When I was living at home with my parents I used to stay at work as long as I could because I didn't want to go home. Now I've moved out of home and living on my own I go straight home but have nothing to do other than think about depressing my life is.

Last night a friend asked me to go out for coffee but I declined as I didn't have the motivation to do anything.

When I was young I did want a family but given my past experiences with being cheated on etc I don't think I'd like to go down that path. 

Thanks for your advice! 🙂

Em

[Emski]

Hi Helen,

Thanks for your post. 

I have been trying to take little steps but each time that I do I get this very awkward and uncomfortable feeling about what's going. I've tried anti depressants before and they made me very sleep and lazy, I did try quite a few brands but gave up in the end. I've seen a psychologist in the past but it made me feel funny (strange), I didn't feel comfortable talking as I didn't know what to say.

My relationship with my family has been torn. My sister-inlaw told my parents about me taking drugs (which wasn't in my best inerest as it was a thing of the past) and now there is no trust between my parents and I. I no longer feel comfortable around my family and feel as if I have been replaced. I almost feel like I'd find life easier without them.

Is it bad for me to want to have some time away from family?

[AGrace]

Hi Emski,

I can understand you declining your friends' invitation, gosh, I've done the same thing too many times to count. What I have learned over the past couple of decades is that when I'm depressed action precedes motivation.

Sometimes we just have to do and the pleasure in doing comes later.

It's great that you have a job that you enjoy. It's also good that you no longer feel that you need to stay at your job rather than going home, now that you live on your own. One thing I've also found is that if I add an activity on to a day when I'm already doing something (such as work) then it's easier to fulfil this. Whereas when I go home, take off my shoes and slouch on the couch it's so much more difficult to get back up again to do something. Perhaps before going home from work try something like a walk.

AGrace