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Depressed after ex cut me off

miyone
Community Member

I really need help and advise. I was in this relationship. It's been patchy for a while, but sometime 3 months ago, we had a minor row. He blocked me off then, and have never heard from him. I tried to reach him for weeks, but i never got any response. This manner of ending it has got me so depressed. He's ignored me on purpose. After crying for weeks, I finally did no contact to focus on myself. My friends have been helping me out and I've checked a few times with a counsellor.

However, I'm still having a hard time. I took some time off to help me recover, but I'm afraid the depression will again show now that I'm back. I sent him an email this week (it's been 2 months) trying to meet and talk things out. I know and I hope this will help me come to terms with the situation so I wrote him this nice email, but still no word from him. I am so close to telling him I'm depressed and talking this out will really help me. I'm not sure it's a good idea, but I don't know what else to do. This has already affected my life before, and now I am back to crying every night. I've already tried all means to get over him, but I know in myself that talking to him / fixing this will be my only way out of this mess. Can i tell him I am depressed and that I need his help?

5 Replies 5

lizzie50
Community Member

Hi!

I have experienced the same thing, my ex has a lot of his own mental health issues, insecurities and fears which lead to him blocking all contact from me. However i also reached out to him and it only made things worse, we have had 2 phone calls in the 2 months after ending and he was extremely nasty to me. Told me i didnt deserve closure and he doesnt want to fix things with me. He has convinced himself im a terrible human and created these lies up about me, guess his way of coping. I told him about my depression during our relationship and it was 'too much' for him, even after his words were nasty telling me to get over it and pull my head in. My ex doesnt see that his done anything wrong to me (throughout the relationship he was horrible so many red flags i ignored).

I still have terrible days and i dont leave my room, i would suggest not telling him. If he doesnt reply it will make you feel worse. Was the ending of your relationship bad? I know mine was totally out of the blue, told me he loved me and then blocked me. I know ill never get the closure i deserve, I want him to fix things myself and make me feel better. I want him to sit there and say 'you are the best thing ever and im so sorry for what i did to you.' however he will never say it, he will feel it im sure but you'll never hear the things you want to heal. He may make you feel worse, which I've learnt from. His nasty words about me and our relationship hurt a lot, being told i meant nothing to him and that im a sook messed with my head. I know its not true, just as you know what you felt during the relationship and you dont want to risk him destroying that.

miyone
Community Member
Thank you for sharing your experience Lizzie. I imagine he won't reply, but I am desperate I don't know what else I can do. I know if only he will talk, then issues can be solved. Not to get back, no, but it will be easier to accept. Being rejected like that is really painful. I have done everything I can to save myself, I'm just afraid none of it is working, and the only thing that could is being denied by the him. I don't know how someone can do that.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Miyone, I am sorry for you, just as I am for Lizzie, but if he does contact you is it going to help you or prolong the agony even longer, because all he may want to do is argue with you, so instead of helping you it will make you feel worse.
If he wanted to reunite a friendship then he would have contacted you long ago, unfortunately disagreements will happen and it doesn't take any big issue for this to happen, and besides, if this has happened now then would you feel happy being with him in 20 years, sorry. Geoff. x

JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello miyone, it sounds like the cutoff of communication from your ex has hurt you very deeply, and you feel that you need to talk things over with him to get some closure.

I can read from your posts that you are really wanting to get through this really difficult time. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are setting yourself some real restrictions around what the options are. In your first post, you say that the only way you can get through your depression is with his help. I'd suggest you think about that really critically... given that he is the cause of your depression, how likely is it that he is going to be the solution?

One of the hardest parts of a breakup is accepting that the hurt is going to be there for a while. You have done so well by recognising early on that going 'no contact' to focus on yourself is what you needed to do. But in a moment of weakness, you've gone back on that and decided to email.

Are you still seeing your counsellor? I wonder if you might talk to him or her about the empty chair method. It's where you take a chair and imagine the person you want to speak to is sitting there, and you say everything you want to say. I would suggest that you are more likely to get the closure you need in a safe environment with your counsellor doing this than trying to continually contact your ex... I fear you are just setting yourself up for more heartache and putting your grief recovery back to square one.

lizzie50
Community Member

I understand exactly how you feel, the temptation to contact him and to get the answer and closure. All the questions running wild in your mind wondering what happened or how he could be so cruel towards you.

Ive learnt the hard way that it just doesnt work that way, my ex has narcissistic traits as well as paranoia from smoking weed his whole life and i knew deep down reaching out he'd just be nasty cause thats all he knows how to be. It broke my heart even more after contacting, my mum told me that I am just feeling the fire and playing into his games. Your ex may not react negatively however you need to put yourself first.

Ive learnt that only you can help yourself, you can have all the support and resources you can access but you are the one that has to heal yourself. I have depression also, going for a walk every chance i get makes me feel so much better, listening to podcasts and reading has helped heal my mind. Rationalising his behaviour and understanding his mental health issues, insecurities and fears has helped me to get the answers I have in my mind. As he would never in a million years tell me anything nice about me, in his mind he created these mind blowing lies about things that never happened but to him they did and i had to step back and realise he isnt going to change, he isnt going to realise what his done to me, he isnt going to own up and grow up.

I still talk about it often to my mum and close friends, however I've noticed that now they bring it up to check how im going. You dont realise how far you come, even small victories of healing. I found writing helped me get my anger and frustrations out. Id write down what i wanted to message him instead, I have written like 20 letters directed at him and it does really help.

No matter what he says to you, it isnt going to change the situation. You know in your heart and mind what happened during the relationship, dont let him have the chance to destroy that. Dont let him put you back to the start and feel hopeless and lost again. Write in here what you want to ask him if that helps you also.