Dealing with ex dating again when living together

[Vendyn]

Me and my partner have a 5 month old. We have just split up within a week ago. Thankfully it was amicable and we both want to be friends and make it work and share parenting 50/50. We are living together with plans of moving to seperate apartments but can’t afford it whilst she is on Maternity leave, and I am supporting us on one wage. She has just met a guy on POF and is going on a date Thursday, I thought I could handle it but my heart is starting to ache and I have been freezing up emotionally. I know breaking up was the right choice for us but I didn’t expect this to affect me soo much. I have told her it is hurting me but she says she needs this as she hasn’t felt wanted by me for quite sometime... she is right I have been emotionally absent and distant romantically and she has every right to search for her happiness. I just don’t know how to manage my feelings of jealousy, betrayal and loneliness and prevent them from affecting my decisions and ruin the chances of a more civil breakup. I won’t lie, I am imagining all sorts of ways to get back at him but know I can’t as that is not good for me or my son. Just scared as hell and I feel like I’m burning inside and don’t know how to put the flames out without destroying more in the process. Any advice or just if there’s anyone that has experienced something like this and has some good coping recommendations for me?

[white knight]

Hi Vendyn, welcome

Im sorry you are in this predicament.

Firstly, I'm confused. You I presume is a male as your partner is on mayernity leave. Yet you mention "to get back at him"???

Anyway, I feel that your now ex partner didnt waste time dating. This could be that she is making you jealous to spark something between you. Did the dating process take such little time?.

I think you are now pahing the price for not attending to her needs. Thats done now but seriously, even if you dont get back together flowers, a nice dinner etc could change her thoughts.

She being the mother of your child it is most important you remain on that friend to friend level.

Many years ago I purchased a cheap caravan and lived in a caravan park for several months. It was ok to have my kids there to. But it is only good for a temporary fix. Or shared rent.

I cant see you being able to remain under one roof. What happens if she wants to bring her date home?. Also would it be appropriate for her to spend any unnecessary monies while you are trying to keep financially afloat?

In the meantime, visit your GP for a chat. Its wise to look after yourself, for the benegit of you and your baby.

Tony WK

[quirkywords]

Hi Vendyn and welcome to the forum.

Congratulations on your baby.

The first 6 months after giving birth are an emotionally and hormone filled time for a woman.

Some women can feel insecure after childbirth about how attractive they are because of all the changes in their bodies. . She maybe seeking reassurance from another man. Childbirth is a huge change in a woman's life and if you could acknowledge what a great job she is doing as a mum that would help.

Everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued. The most important things you can do in my opinion are to be a good dad to your son, be supportive to your wife in her role as mother and try to use relaxation techniques to calm down your feelings of jealousy.

I agree with Tony, that see your GP for a chat is a good idea.

This a wonderful and challenging time for all of you.

Thanks for taking the first step to reach out by telling your story.

Quirky

[geoff]

hi Vendyn, knowing that your partner is now going out with someone else, and so quickly, only means that she is looking for companionship to replace what she has missed.

Doesn't it take an incident like this for us to wake up and realise what we should have done but didn't, that's how we learn from experience, but something we wish didn't happen.

Now you both have a son to look after and there will be many decisions that you have to make, so you have to understand her position and in due time you could meet someone else and that's when your partner may feel exactly the same as you are now. Geoff.

[Vendyn]

Hi White Knight, Quirky and Goeff.

Thank you for your messages and supportive words.

Just to update, I was spiralling and had begun going on dating sites and had organised dates for myself, my ex started getting really mad at me and jealous also. I was initially mad at her for not recognising the hurt it was causing me and then turning around and criticising my choices but thinking about things have since deleted all the dating apps. That isn't the man I want to be nor do two wrongs make a right. I do truly love her and yeah it sucks that it took losing her to break the slab of ice I had in prisoned myself in. I have decided to focus on being a great Dad and trying to reconnect to myself again so that I am able to try and find my happiness within. After I had deleted all the dating sites yesterday my ex decided to not date whilst we are living together. She expressed that she still loves me and exactly what you said Geoff that she just wanted to feel that connection to someone. I suggested that we try couples therapy to work out where our communication barriers may be and work on them. I still have a lot of work to do on myself to process and break my walls down fully and learn how to prevent them coming up again but there is still love between us and if theres any chance to maybe save my family with the help of a professional then I need to hold hope.

Not sure what the future holds but either way I will try to listen and remain calm, try that relaxation techniques and not react without checking my morals/values first.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Vendyn, I read your original post, and didn't know quite what to say other than it sounds incredibly painful for you both. I'm so happy to hear your update, that's fantastic news. Its so great you are trying to work on your relationship again instead of having a painful war involving other people.

Regarding detachment, I think a lot of us, women included, can gravitate that way in romantic relationships when we've had difficult family backgrounds. For some people it can be a natural comfort zone, but the love is still there. Detachment can also happen because of addiction, emotional infidelity, social media, or could also be because of the enormous change of having a baby? That raises a lot of fears and can be stressful at first, I imagine. I have a lot of respect for your maturity choosing to figure out what caused your detachment.

Congratulations, too, on having a little one:)