Dealing with convert narcissists

[clownartist]

I am interested in other peoples experience in dealing with convert narcissist and coping strategies .I have been surrounded by family and friends who I now realise have been disastrous for my mental health.My first mistake was choosing female friends that were like my mother.I suffer from repetition compulsion and suffer from low self esteem.It has been a huge learning curve .Should I just starve them out with no contact ?Any experience or advice in dealing with narcissists would be appreciated Cheers Clownartist

[white knight]

seeking answers is therapeutic

Google

Queen witch hermit waif

Regards TonyWK

[clownartist]

Hi White Knight,I am seeking answers and believe it is therapeutic.Read the posts they are excellent.I am concerned though that perhaps I am ruminating too much.I.Is there a danger in that i cant change the past but also must learn from it I said to a friend i am a slow thinker he replied no you just process slowly .I am afraid I am like Paul Keating with an inability to put the past behind him and move on .Thoughts anyone appreciated .Clownartist

[white knight]

Good question.

Dwelling can be part of your makeup. My mother was a dwelling thinker and us kids inherited it. But at 24yo I embraced motivation and learned to plan my future. I'm now 63 but I still dwell. A lot of it is guilt.

Google (just read the first post)

Beyondblue Topic 30 minutes can change your life

Beyondblue Topic guilt the tormentor

Beyondblue Topic worry worry worry

In 1987 my first therapist said "Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world"? That led me to realise anxiety from guilt and worry were serious issues.

At the emd of the day we have to embark on acceptance- of who we are, of the limits in how we can change, in our nature.

Beyondblue Topic the frog and the scorpion

Beyondblue Topic the best praise you'll ever get

Regards

TonyWK

[Definitely_Otherwise]

It’s a term of phrase that gets thrown around a lot but if you’ve been on the receiving end it is not a light matter. When my therapist introduced me to this she suggested reading material & Youtube videos, I went back and said that there was some helpful info in there but the problem I have is that it is often written by an ex-partner of someone with NPD. She agreed and she said the best place to chat about it is in therapy, she can share anecdotal stories to make me feel less alone. For eg they talk about NPD lies but my therapist said they’re actually closer to delusions, that are wilfully constructed, lies so huge that you wouldn’t think someone could lie about that, such as cancer, the passing of a child or partner, degrees from prestigious uni’s, having served the country in a war, CSA/DV. People laugh about it and think it’s funny but the maintenance of those lies take more lies and the NPD’s anxiety goes up and then becomes rage because they fear exposure. They often have a partner that reinforces the narcissism by being obsessed with them and puts them on a pedestal, they refuse to engage with doctors because they know that they may see through it and put together that they’re suspiciously high functioning for someone who says they’ve been through something like that. This is where their partner comes in, and tells them how amazing they are, when really, their partner has been taken for the ride of their life and doesn't want to see it. Their friendships fall away because no one dotes on them like their spouse and this irritates them. They struggle with monogamy because it reduces their sources of validation. They can even lie about being gay to secure money and a partner with high status, the problem with that tho is they eventually have to go to bed, and that’s when it’s all exposed. You may think that is funny and that doesn’t happen very much, but you would be surprised. They then try to cover it up with some other story of inner conflict that actually doesn’t exist, especially if they don’t have a better offer. They can mimic other people’s personal history, make it their own & even other people’s diagnosis. As my therapist said, they become the untouchables because the maintenance of their false identity becomes so taxing that they withdraw and take it all out on their partner, even doctors are walled off because they bag them out too & claim they're incompetent or that they are simply untrustworthy. I would go to therapy and not online.

Def

[clownartist]

Hi Def and White Knight,

White Knight childhood memories of Aesops fables Scorpion and Frog .They are completely underrated in their social messages.I loved the comment saving the world my problem as well.Another is acceptance you are what you are and you aint what you aint!! Def I must say that the youtube vidoes as well this site helped me realise I am not alone.I agree you need a therapist to talk to. These NPD do some damage,they have a stable of victims,they need a source of energy.They move onto new prey,leaving the damage behind,the mimicing,the lies were palpable and the false identity.They are like a cyclone going through you life cheers Clownartist

aD

[white knight]

Hi CA,

Our problem is not only narcissistic people or toxic people.

Our problem is ourselves, our lack of defensive ability. If we the vulnerable were hardened non sensitive types, we wouldnt be on this forum.

How do we overcome this sensitivity? We dont. Sensitivity is hard wired into us. Once that is realised we have to seek purely defensive means to find a place of safety.

In my threads - google

Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival

And

Beyondblue Topic fortress of survival part 2

Both threads go through the natural defense proceedures that most people develop in their childhood. A screening process. Most times this automatic process saves them from hurt.

We vulnerable, stupidly honest types, are blind to the evil in some.

As an example of this hard wired side we lack, some 40 years ago following 3 years in the RAAF I joined a large prison as a warder. You'd think that the things I endured in that toxic environment would toughen me up and make me more wary of nastiness in some people. Not so. Then professions like ranger, security, crowd control and investigations would have me aware of manipulating, cruel people- nope.

My approach, auto mode, is to trust first, get hurt then forgive and get hurt again several times before breaking contact. The dwell about it for years.

So, the "fortress of survival " came into play, a method of departmentalising new people in my life. Rejecting disruptive people cant be taken lightly but once done life gets better and better, calm and order comes as we surround ourselves with love, kindness and stability.

Once our new happy lives continue for some times we then begin to identify disruptive people more easily.

But I still use my fortress of survival!

TonyWK

[clownartist]

Hi WK, Our problem is ourselves,I concur.We are sensitive and vulnerable.What fascinates me is how they target their victims.once they have identified a victim they zero in full throttle ,they are sneaky conniving and always watching you ,they study their victims.I have noticed one interesting observation ,when you first meet a NPD if they are overly friendly and familar,you should start building your fortress wall .Any thoughts ,better start bricklaying CK

[white knight]

Hi,

We should remember there should be a probiso in our thinking.

Those that suffer NPD, BPD etc of a chronic nature, do in fact have an illness.

Having said that my proviso is, if they are seeking treatment of a serious level, my heart goes out to them in every way.

If they are in denial and dont take the hint there could be issues, I preserve myself.

So such people need to enjoy the opportunity to get treatment just like the rest of us. None of us are to blame for our mental disorders only not being proactive on its repair.

TonyWK

[MummaPetal]

Hey Clownartist,

I know too well what you are going through. I have been dealing with 2 of them over the past few years. When one of them caused an issue, it was always somehow my fault. I really dislike confrontation but that was used against me. They were nice to my face but bullies to me behind my back. I went through a lot of counselling and was advised to keep as much distance as possible. I was experiencing high anxiety which lead to a racing heart and heart palpitations. Enough was enough. I started to meditate every night before bed. I repeat affirmations daily that I am good enough.

I somehow stumbled a fantastic book called Dodging Energy Vampires by Dr Christiane Northrup. It's been amazing. She talks about the signs of an energy vampire and how they behave. She also discussed the biological reasons behind their behaviour and basically says it's all about them and not you. You can't change them. My anxiety has now gone.

[clownartist]

Hi Mummapetal.,

Sorry for delayed response,just managed to read some of your recommendation Dodging Energy Vampires,Absolutely excellent kept reading oh my God this is me amazing insight .Thanks for recommendation CK