Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Dealing (or not) with resentment

Community Member

Hi. I've just joined this forum. I was looking at BB for a work-related issue and thought I'd give it a try.

I'm trying to deal with real anger and resentment issues I have towards my partner. I suffer from anxiety and have been on meds before but this is different. Some days I think we're going OK but then there's a comment or something happens and all the things he's done to get us where we are now come flooding back and I shut down. He's just been diagnosed with moderate/severe depression and he's finally on the medication dose that makes a difference. But I had to push him to get them. The doc made a great comment. He said... it's not your fault you're suffering from depression, but it is your fault if you don't do anything about it. I resent the fact I had to push him, I resent he hasn't done anything to better himself - just waited for the meds to work, I resent the fact he doesn't talk about anything because he "doesn't like confrontation", I resent the fact I had to make a life-changing decision in Jan and deal with the consequences on my own, I resent the fact he expects everything from me but when I need him the most he's never there. And I'm angry at myself for getting myself into this.

And y'know what. I'm sick of the crap. I'm 42 and if we didn't have a child I'd be long gone. But we do and there's nowhere for me to go unless I quit work and haul her out of school. He doesn't parent anyway - more like babysits. He doesn't want to do relationship counselling. It's like talking to a wall. I'm sure there are ways I can deal with it better but it's got to a point where it's so overwhelming that I just want out. I'd have to break my little girl's heart.

I sound like a complete bitch but it's just getting harder and harder to pull myself out of this consuming ball of anger.

1 Reply 1

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Coun_tess

Hello and welcome to the forum. It is good you found your way here and feel able to talk about your difficulties. I have usually found it beneficial to talk about what bothers me.

You do not sound like a bitch of any sort. Your feelings are valid as is your frustration.

Being depressed is hard and many people feel they cannot cope with it. In many ways it is harder being the partner of someone with depression because you can see what needs to be done. Your partner is simply enduring what is happening and has no thought of getting better more quickly. I think it will take a long time for meds to do all the work. Is he receiving any therapy? I think this may help him to move forward. It would also help you to know he is making an effort. What are the chances of this?

Your partner obviously has learned to shut out the disagreeable parts of his life. I dislike confrontation and I expect you do as well. Sometimes it can be necessary. The problem with shutting everything out is that one day it all boils over. This can be a dangerous time for him as he gets overwhelmed in the tumult of emotions.

I don't know how you will react to this suggestion but I feel it has some value. How do you feel about counselling for yourself? Yes I know you don't have depression etc but you are angry and that is doing you no good at all. One of the hardest things I had to learn is that I cannot change anyone other than myself. Learning to channel your anger in safe ways will stop you being overwhelmed. You may come to the decision that leaving is the best for you and your daughter and go ahead with that. You may find other ways to cope with your partner's depression.

You are the person prepared to make changes and look after your daughter. This is really all you have control over. Bashing yourself against the wall of your husband's refusal to act just does not work and does you a great deal of damage. I really do suggest you work on what you can change and see where that takes you.