daughter moved back home , not going well

[redgirl-blackdog]

I just really need to vent.I'm in constant pain & although I love my daughter I'm sick & tired of her s#!+ My 19yo daughter moved out after an argument in March &stomped off to her fathers. After yet another argument with him about keeping her room tidy, she rang & asked if she could come home, of course I said yes. I told her she need to be respectful & things had to change. Well she has been home 3 months, most of the time her new boyfriend has been staying o/n (facebook knew about him before I did) & I asked her to act like an adult if she wants to be treated like one. Even tho I've asked, pleaded, yelled & begged nothing has changed, she has reluctantly given me $20 but that's it, no help with chores or housework, not even washing the dishes in the whole 3 months. They both know jobs like mowing are extremely hard for me yet they just close the door to shut out the noise when I ask for help. She is now unemployed after quitting her chefs apprenticeship 3 weeks ago. They have had 3 takeaway meals this w/e alone & gone out for a meal & not asked me if I wanted anything. Her room is a pigsty with clothes & food scraps/wrappers everywhere, my sister tells me this is normal for teenagers (it wasn't for us) When I try to talk with her about her behaviour & what is expected she just starts tapping on her ph or says yeah I know & gets up & leaves in her car. She swears & carries on in front of my younger kids even when asked not to. The absolute worst was Friday morning when she knew her elderly grandmother was coming in 10 mins to do the school drop off with me, that she couldn't wait because she "needed" to meet a friend at the shops. My mum is dying from COPD but still comes to visit her because she won't drive 25 mins to see her Nan. I'm so sore from my neck/arm problem & depressed, disillusioned & overwhelmed with life and I've got 10yo twins to look after as well. And the dog she promised she'd look after. Sorry for the rant, I'm just exhausted, mind and body...

[Zeal]

Hi redgirl,

This situation sounds really difficult and frustrating. Your daughter not helping or appreciating what you do for her is rough, and the boyfriend who stays over doesn't seem to be helping the situation. While some of this behaviour is common for a teen, it does not mean it is inevitable.

Here are two previous forum threads that, while not the same as your situation, have advice and insights you may find useful:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/long-term-support-over-the-journey/my-daughter-is-23-and-angry-at-the-world-and-me-any-advice-is-welcome

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/please-help-us-help-our-girl#qi5HhHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

This link may be useful, though it is general in nature:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/connect-with-others/news/news/2013/08/30/a-new-guide-to-help-navigate-the-terrible-teens

Sorry I don't have personal advice for you. I'm not yet a parent myself.

Best wishes,

Zeal

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Redgirl-blackdog,

Thank you for posting. I'm not a parent either but I came across your post and wanted to reply. I'm sorry that your daughter is giving you such a hard time and it sounds like she is being very disrespectful towards you.

My assumption from reading your post is that if she is being disrespectful towards you she is being disrespectful towards her father as well, so I'm wondering if you have a good relationship with him? It might be helpful to try and sort out a way to tackle her behaviour together so that you can reinforce the behaviour without taking on the good parent/bad parent role.

I have a friend who is a parent of teenage daughters and one of the things that they've reinforced is boundaries and respect. They faced the same situation as yourself trying to talk to their daughter and their daughter was tapping on the phone. In this situation they made an ultimatium; if you don't do x y z I will do x y z. Consequences might be taking away chargers or changing the password for the internet.

Depending on the relationship that you have with your daughter it might also be helpful to try and have a talk with her about what you need done and why. Maybe she's stressed or under a lot of pressure lately; if she's in high school maybe there is school struggles going on.

You may also find it helpful to link in with friends or family for their advice or support. Michael Carr-Greg is a great expert on parenting teenagers so I highly recommend you check out any of his work.

Sorry I can't help more. Hope the links above help as well.

[redgirl-blackdog]

Hi all, thanks for your support and words of encouragement. I can't ask her father or stepfather for help because they say one thing then do the polar opposite & tell her I'm the psycho b***h because I want her to be a respectful human. Unfortunately she has decided to move in with her boyfriend & his mum. She wasn't going to tell me, she was just going whenever she had packed up. After asking her if she had any luck finding a new job on Monday, she went all narky at me & told me she couldn't because her ph had been disconnected, (she didn't pay the $1700 bill) & her computer was not working properly (I changed the Wi-Fi password). I offered the use of the home ph but that was rejected with a snarl. The way she talked to me & the look on her face was disgusting& heartbreaking. I thought I had taught her more respect. Her father & step-father treat me in the same manner as she is now, so she's had good teachers. Her boyfriend of 3 months agrees with her & seems to think that she should be given everything she wants & not have to pay in any way because she is the daughter, apparently it's like that in his family. I didn't like him when I first met him & I like him even less now, but I won't tell that to either of them because I'm sure that will antagonise the situation more. I tried ultimatums & to set boundaries & use consequences for the wrong sort of behaviour but I was never backed up by the other parent so I was basically in a no win situation. I've cried myself to sleep too many times over her. She stormed out on Monday night with a suitcase without even saying goodbye to her brothers & yesterday her half-sister texted me saying my daughter told her "I slapped the s**t out of her" before she left. I will always love my daughter but at the moment I don't like her at all. I've decided to concentrate my efforts on my twin boys instead, to make sure they grow into respectful, well behaved young men. I'm not sure how because they have seen their father & sister behave like that for all of their life. I hope by explaining to the boys as we go about what is acceptable and not, they will start to understand what is normal. Wish me luck.....

[Wednesday]

Hi Redgirl,

Aghh, teenagers! (sorry to any gorgeous teenagers reading this) Teenagers are hard work for a lot of reasons including their brain is still developing yet your daughter is legally adult. And whether we think it is fair or not she is going to be treated as an adult in society. She made need to fall over a few times until she figures it out, but maybe t’s better she does it now than in a decade or two.

It is really hard being a mum. Even when we don’t like them we love them to bits. We want the best for them ,to stop them getting hurt and we don’t want them to repeat any of our mistakes. Sadly sometimes we also have to let them fail.

One of the things teenagers need to do is to cut the apron strings, find their own feet and they do this by rejecting parents. It hurts and it’s confusing for both sides. My now adult children are various times have been difficult. It is an advantage to them when they can play off another adult that is in the picture.

What if you ignore your daughter’s bad behaviour, leave the door open for her to come back and be part of your family and let her know you love her. I know this sounds twee, but while it took a while it worked with my daughter when she was behaving poorly. I was very clear with her and always kept in contact, even though that made her angry at times. I would say things like I love you very much but I don’t like your behaviour at the moment. She also had help from some manipulative adults. It probably feels like you have lost her, but you won’t have it is just a bad moment and she and you will come out the other end stronger. We got through the storm and are close now.

Of course you need to focus on your twins and your mum. But you also need to prioritise yourself right now. What do you need to get through this time? For example, would access to a counsellor be useful. I read you have some health issues are they being treated?

Here’s a hug just on case it helps.