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Dating and ghosting

Movinforward
Community Member

Hi, this is my first post. I've been single for over three years, post divorce. Started online dating last year. I also moved to a country area. Started seeing someone in December and it has been going very well. It's long distance, but we've managed to have a weekly date until now.

Just in the past week his communication has changed in frequency and he said he'd call me back, so I left it and that was 3 days ago.

I manage with anxiety, but the changes in communication have made my brain go into over drive. He knows I have anxiety too. If he has changed his mind, I would rather know so I can move on than wait for a phone call I might not get. Should I just brave it and call him?

I have been ghosted before after a couple of initial dates, but this has been going on for longer and I've developed feelings for him. How do other people manage dating and anxiety?

4 Replies 4

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Movinforward~

Welcome and thank you for posting. There are plenty of people here who have live though the same dating circumstances, myself included (though it was a long time ago).

May I suggest you think about what you want in a partner? I remember the things I wanted. They included honesty, care, empathy, similar values, reliability and a growing love.

It's a bit of a coincidence in that I used the following quote earlier today:

Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained

So where does that leave you? If the gentleman you are dating is in love, or heading in that direction with you and has the qualities I mentioned you would expect him to have born in mind your anxiety and acted to keep it at a minimum. As he hasn't either he is not regarding it with the care and attention to which you are entitled or else something really untoward has happened in his life.

On-line and face to face dating is full of people who are not straight-forward and many who take the 'easy way out' when a relationship cools and does not disclose the fact in a forthtright manner, leaving the unfortunate recipient dangling.

If it was me I'd ring, but listen to the response most carefully.

I hope there is a treasonable explanation

As for managing the whole scene - if you find a fool-proof method let us know. If you are looking for someone with your heart then it can get badly bruised. The only advice I can give is to try to use instinct and cut things short if there is a niggle - not easy I know as recognizing instinct in the face of hope, loneliness and desire is extremely hard.

Croix

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

P.S. Sorry, my amazing ability to generate typos is in evidence -read reasonable - not treasonable (unless you are royalty of course)

-C

Thanks Croix. I did try to call, but it rang out. I was able to have a good talk to a family member about it tonight and I'm not going to try again. You and my family member are right that if he wanted to be in contact he would. I am just finding that to be a cowardly thing if he isn't honest with me. But I cannot control the behaviour of someone else.

It does make me not want to try again though, because I am quite sensitive when it comes to the heart and I don't think I can cope with this feeling too often. I'll get through it now, but I don't know if I can trust. I already had trust issues with my ex-husband.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Movinforward~

I'm sorry. It happens. One hard thing is if you go so far and things go wrong but you find it difficult to break off - has happened.

As for giving up, -umm, be a pity.

My future wife and I corresponded by email for ages before we moved to phone, then to meeting. 2 or 3 months. Yes I know, who wants to wait that long? Did give us a chance to 'grow' towards each other though. We were both frightened/cautious, I guess. 20+ years now, still in love. Worth the wait (amazingly my wife agrees).

No easy solutions I know of, just my best wishes and hopes.

Croix