Cross roads

[Riri]

I have been married for two years and known my husband for five. Im quiet independent with a secure attachment style his is more insecure and a little co dependent. My parents never approved and still don't. I have always had my own things in life and been happy with work and family around me. I have lived in the big smoke my entire life and had strong connections and proximity to family. My partner does not have strong family connections and does not like city living especially as we are living in my mother's rental and due to that situation, my partner pushed for us to buy own own house, in a reginal town as a compromise, so an hours drive from my family. We have renovated our house for the last three years. Our stuff is in there, well half of it. I'm no longer feeling comfortable with the move due to how we have been lately. There is no intimacy or emotional connection between us and I don't feel I can be vulnerable around him most of the time. He does not validate my emotions or opinions and becomes upset at me. I have been seeing a counselor for 2 years. And we have tried couples counseling. I get upset quite a bit as I persist on my boundaries and at times this has ment leaving the house Renos and driving back in storms, pitch black and in tears. I'm worried that if I move there the behaviours may continue or become worse. He has depression and is not dealing with it but promises he will. He also suffers PTSD after a near death experience and a previous divorce. His not a controlling person in actions but words seem it although not so obvious  and often leave me confused and doubting my own feelings and perception. He says I need to change my perception and think of him in a generous way...when I try to explain that this leads to lack of intimacy he will deny any responsibility. He simply says I need to man up and move forward with my life. He tells me it's not healthy to be under my parents thumb and living in their place(rental). I'm feeling hurt and lonely. We don't have kids. I'm not sure if there is any point continuing with the marriage. He is a nice person but I feel we clash alot. I could leave now and move on with my old life quiet easily but if I move from where I am I feel it will be to hard to move back. He says he will try his hardest, but I'm not sure how when he can't hear what I'm saying. I can't simply flick a switch. I don't know if there is any hope.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Your situation reminds me of a more exaggerated example of a couple considering marriage but one party (history says usually the male) insists she join his religion or move to his country and so forth. For you to move to a regional town it is indeed another world be it one hour on the road or one hour flight, same end result just more visitors with the former.

The moment it is seen by you as a "gamble" the full faith has begun to crumble imo. For that reason I think the fact it is your mothers rental is irrelevant even though he hasnt been accepted by them. What I do suggest is for you both to sit down and you be open as to your hesitation in moving away, that you would be more flexible to that concept if you were happier and that happiness can only come from you both becoming more accepted by the other but the "elephants in the room" is lack intimacy with connection and promises of seeking help with his mental health. Words are not actions.

It is ok to not move, it is ok to have your own feelings, its ok to not mention love once in a post and its ok to acknowledge the gulf between you both. It is also ok to remain where you are happiest until that all changes.

Repost anytime

TonyWK 

[Riri]

• Yes, it does seem that way. I have evolved a lot in the relationship and have really stepped outside my comfort zone which I think is a great thing. I'm worried that's it's easy to be happy in the life that is mainly centered around seeing my family, gym, work and having at all at my rech. I would not be shaking up my makeup to stay in the comfort but I'm confident I would be happy at least for a while. But with creating a house I felt like I was creating a life of our own. He has now booked his sessions in and we also have a couples one coming up. I still worry as much parents say my personality personality has fully changed and Im not the person they raised. But I feel that's kind of a way of limiting me or making sure I get back in my box and stop trying to grasp for better, and to just stay safe as the babysitter to the siblings kids. I want more for myself then to be that. And I do like the fact that my partner cheers me on that way even though at times his approach is just off.  Maybe it's more about me continuing maintain my resilance and learning new skills and ways to articulate my self verbally with in the relationship? 

[Riri]

He says that been away from my family will make me lessed stress and constantly reminds me of how good it will be for me. I personally find it very isolating but I comited to it when we brought. Yes my inner voice tells me to not go, and also that I have tried all different ways to feel healthy in the relationship but we all ways end up in the same dance again. I tend to feel like I'm walking on eggshells alot of the time he would say his doing the same for me, but I don't believe that as I'm a very relaxed person. I find him hyper sensitive and at times erational reactions- this intensifyed after he came out of ICU where he had been suffering ICU delusion. His upbringing has also played a big roll and when he sense threat or perceived threat( me talking about how I feel) he will start deregulating and the ability to really listen seems to disappear as he moves into defense. I sound like I'm making excuses for, but it's more that I understand. I understand so much that I can see that at his age 47it will take a long time to maybe start to fix. Meantime I'm worried my self confidence which is low not only to my feelings, differing opinions, but also due to been rushed through my processes to get to the end goal, for example carpet colours, curtains. I feel like I'm never confident in desions as I'm rushed through to make them and to be honest sometimes that's necessary especially in renovating. But it's also happened prior to the Renos. I would often lie about seeing family as he would de value it stating I should be doing other things with my time like responsibility stuff, I was just doing a bit of self presentations..or even stuff like going to the gym I would get back and he would say things like " did you really go to the gym that entire time, sure you did not seen ypur parents?" I explain those serious to him and he will say " why cant I think generous of him, his only asking coz he cares" and I explain that perhaps coming in a bit softer would help. He will then deny and say your perception of me is all wrong you need to objectively looks at things. I'm so confused. My family tell me assess the consequences of my choice. They tell me my whole personality has changed and I'm the most unhappiest they have ever seen me. I'm not the happy go lucky girl I once was. I do feel it and I have caught myself a few times been really nasty and horrible and acted in a way I never have before and am truly shameful for. I know that I was under enormous pressure at the time with my husband telling me " to sort things out or go legal" I no that's not fully on him and that I'm responsible for my own self. But does my family's insight offer me answers. My partner tells me it's bias because " they want there babysitter back for your sister's and brothers" he stands. He has told me he knows what he needs to do for himself regarding the depression and states he will be going a local sports group, walks in nature and projects in the shed and I add to it don't forget the monthly therapy to which he states he will.

My therapist told me that there is little hope. I look at him and feel deeply sorry for him but is that love. We have had no intimacy on any level for years... A friend told me to seek it from outside the relationship from people like friends and that. I find it hard to make friends tbh and I'm more solo self assured most of the time. Do I put a time limit on making a decision

? I can't put him through it any longer as his heart has only just been fixed. Thank you for your kind Insights it's good to hear another's point of view other then those im currently getting

[white knight]

The ideal partner relationship is one whereby both respect the others individuality, their likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies and whom the can love with family and friends. So eg, if you have a different perception of your parents, it's a form of mind control to be so sceptical on so many levels. His level of mistrust (sure you didn't visit your parents") is insinuating you would keep visits from him, but as an adult it is your right to visit anyone anytime any place. The old adage of being a team on all levels in a marriage is out the window- why? Because it often means one person eventually dominates under the "we are married we should be a team" which can mean "your parents don't like me so you should drift from thrm" but on the other hand parents placing a judgement on the man of your choice can be hurtful. I'm sure your parents made their choice for each other when they married.

So pressure is seemingly coming from all directions for you. When does Riri do what Riri wants to do?

Turbulent relationships are common, what I suggest is determining what your needs are, your desires, where you want to be in 5 years? Does permanent lack of intimacy worry you? Unwelcomed remarks insinuating mistrust a concern? Ties to your parents feel restrictive? The answers are for you and you only to determine, no one else... being married doesn't include the joining of brain cells, it's bonding but respecting your partners character without expectations that divide loyalties. A solid love would see him being happy you visited your parents because it made you happy.

TonyWK 

[Riri]

Thank you for taking the time to write. Yes you are right on the old "married so we do everything together is out the door for sure". It funny because on some ways we are not doing alot of things the traditional way.. kinda contradicts alot of what he says or iludes to.

I definitely cope it from all directions. I have always been told what's good for me and trusted in that. I think about what I want in five years and nothing really comes to mind, perhaps a child...that's sad I should know. I know it's definitely to be happy and not feel suffercated. 

I do try to stand up for my parents when he says something hurtful..and I have mentioned it so many times...I think he takes out his frustration with are predicament on them. I feel like alot of the time I'm trying to defend my family. I mean there is merit in what he points out ...