I have a controlling and overbearing father. However, he is
not ‘controlling’ in the sense that he prevents my mother and me from doing the things
we choose to do. Essentially, he will use “words”, to control us. I’m not sure if
it’s a tactic, or whether he does it subconsciously, but he’ll use insults and
put-downs such as criticism, belittlement, sarcasm, or just outright
name-calling to shame us for doing things. Basic things such as: performing a favour
for a friend, taking work-off to attend a funeral. Just regular activities that
he strangely doesn’t agree with. He also holds grudges and utilises our previous
mistakes (or what he thinks are mistakes) to insult us.
My father also does this when he’s in a bad mood, or even
when he just sees an opportunity to do it. He’ll pick on either myself or my
mum, endlessly. Just a string of insults or hurtful sarcasm. The worst part of this
is that he also targets the other people in our lives that we (my mum and I)
care about, to hurt us. I hope that makes sense, but essentially, to hurt me,
he’ll belittle and insult my partner (not to his face, but to me). Or to hurt
my mother, he’ll insult her family to her.
I don’t spend much time with my friends or my partner because
I’m too scared to ask him, to hear his response. My father also controls my spending. I’m in my early 20’s and
he has access to my bank account and checks it regularly. If he believes I’ve
spent too much, he’ll go into a rage. Essentially, I’m
always having to think about whether this action will make him angry. I’m scared of him, because his words hurt me, a
lot, and I know that it’s making me weak, mentally and preventing me from enjoying my life.
I have full resentment towards my father. His actions are
affecting how I'd like to fulfil my life, how I make MY choices. Living with him is difficult
and exhausting as it’s constantly like walking on eggshells.
However, I also feel like I can’t think this way about him because
he provides for me financially. He finances my education and my livelihood. I
make my own money, I have an income. However, due to our culture, my father insists on funding these aspects of my life. I just feel trapped. Sometimes I
get terrible anxiety, worried about the fact that I may never be able to leave
my father’s controlling presence. I also worry about my mother, because it's as if her fulltime job is to manage his temper.
Has anyone else experienced this? And what have you done to
escape it?
