Controlled by a narcissistic husband

[One_day_soon]

My world is not my own. I am constantly watched, judged and put down. He controls who I speak to. I am not allowed any social media accounts. My movements need to be run by him and my whereabouts need to be accounted for throughout the day. I need to ask permission if I can go into the office to work, when I get there I need to send photos of proof. I need to tell him who I speak to and when. He checks my phone and has also had my phone hacked. His aggression is out of control. He demands that I praise him several times a day and show him love and affection. I have tried hard to leave. I do not love this person. I am scared of my emotional well-being as well as the toll this puts on our children. There is no such thing as standing up for myself or setting boundaries. This only makes things worse. Complying to him is easier for everyone. I do not know how to escape. I have never dealt with a narcissistic person before. Once I realised what was happening it was far too late. We were already married with 3 kids. I thought I was the one causing all of our problems. If I had of known his real persona I would have ran a mile. I am scared and a nervous wreck. For me, this forum is about communicating what is going on for me as this is something no one knows about. I need to let my story out. I don't want to be judged for it. Please, if you have a similar story I would love to hear from you. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey One_day_soon,

Thank you so much for posting on the Beyond Blue forums today and welcome to this warm and kind community. It must have taken a lot of courage to write your story and we want to thank you for being so brave.

We are concerned about the abuse you mentioned, and we want you to know that there's support to get you through this. We want to encourage you to call 1800 RESPECT (180 737 732) as soon as you can to discuss your next steps. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing family violence and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way. 

It sounds like a good time to chat about safety planning with them. If it's hard to access these services online, there's a few apps you could search that designed to be discreet, such as Daisy and Positive Pathways. There's more info here on the 1800RESPECT website.

You can also call us on 1300 22 4636 anytime, or reach us on webchat here.

We urge you to reach out, and if feeling unsafe please call 000.

You never know who will read your post and feel less alone in their own experience. While your story is your own, by sharing your thoughts you have made it easier for others to do the same.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Stobie]

It is never too late

Get an escape plan 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sophie has mentioned people to talk to. Stobie is correct in that an escape plan is the way forward. There are various ways to escape and put in place barriers to stop him contacting you. It becomes complex with your children because he might not have violated any laws that prohibit him seeing them for visitations. So all the avenues should be considered like AVO, family law applications giving him access but no contact with you etc and property settlement. Be prepared for a few years of upheaval but it is better than living how you described.

We are indeed anonymous, post anytime

TonyWK

[Guest_1055]

No judgement at all. I do have a similar story, it is about someone that is close to me. And I didn't even know it was all happening until a couple of years ago. As she was not aware what was going on herself. But she does now. I don't feel free to share her story. But I can ask her. She has found help through this man Dr Carter. 

https://youtube.com/@SurvivingNarcissism

I have also listened to a lot of the talks he gives on there as well.  He has some kind of online group as well that the women I know is in.

[Summer Rose]

Hi one day soon

I know it took a lot of courage for you to write your first post and I want to acknowledge your bravery and welcome you to our community.

This is a non-judgemental safe place. The people who participate all have a story—challenges, struggles and triumphs—just like you. We are here for you.

My hope for you is that reaching out here is an important first step towards safely making your escape and reclaiming your life. There is no pressure, but I want you to know that there is a way out for you and your children when you are ready.
I think the key is to get expert advice to plan your escape and make sure the necessary supports are in place for you and your children when you need them.
If you can access a work phone in a private place, you can call 1800RESPECT, as Sophie suggested. (Or, you can call the beyondblue support line. I have used this service myself and always received help and kindness but they might refer you on.)

Think about the people in your workplace and who you might be able to trust with your story and help you gain private access to a phone or computer. You don’t have to do this but you might find there is some welcome support there. (I once assisted a staff member in a similar situation with a transfer from a Melbourne office to our Sydney office as part of her escape plan). 

Public libraries have computers with Internet access available for use. Maybe take the kids to the library?

I think you have done an amazing job to hold it together for your kids for so long but, like you, I know things need to change. You can do this, lovely.

Kind thoughts to you

[geoff]

Hello one day soon, being in a position like this must be so awful in having to report to him everyday of the week and in all circumstances and perhaps the same is being done with your three kids which would your life to be unbearable.

You can't live like this nor should your kids tolerate it and know that Anglicare help people in these type of situations and can provide housing for you, but you will also need a new sim card so that he can't contact you and Anglicare will inform you of other precautions.

Trust only those friends you think won't tell him where you are, but the fewer who know the better.

Prepare all of this before you leave and do so when he is at work or away for the day, and take the minimum because housing with Anglicare already has furniture in these houses, I know this may be tough, especially for the kids but it's your well being that is of major priority, just now and to get away is your only objective.

Please keep us in touch.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear One_day_soon,

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums…

I am so deeply sorry your going through this….Your story is close to mine that I needed time out to reply….

I stayed fully controlled and abused for 38 years, until my husband passed away…I tried a few times to leave him but was always manipulated into going back…believing that it was my fault that he treated me that way….and to make it up to him I became a “slave” to his demands to keep the peace and to survive….Eventually I accepted that this was my life and obeyed him 100%…because I didn’t know that their was and how to get the help available for abused women….because I had no one but me…

Dear, One day soon, you and your beautiful children need and are entitled to live a safe and happy life, their are many organisations out their now to help you do just that…such as those suggested to you by our lovely community members here….Please sweet lady, when you feel up to please get into contact with one or all of them…..to get the help you and your children very much deserve..

I do so much relate to the fact that… No boundaries can be put into place.…the constant praise they demand or else….the invasion of privacy…because they believe that our life belongs to them….I am so so sorry, one day soon…I feel so much heartbreak for you and your children…

It’s been 10 years this year, since my husband has passed…I reached out here to Beyond Blue in 2017, around 4 years after he passed away, because he still had a hold on me….(PTSD)….The amazing community members here, helped me to understand and believe that I wasn’t the blame for his actions towards me.….and that I was and am a worthy person….without any judgement and with care and support…You are safe here sweet One day soon…

We are all here for you, when you feel to talk some more….Theirs no pressure at all in how little or how much you want share…please know that we care about you and only want the best for you and your children….

Thinking of you with kindness and care..

Grandy..

[white knight]

RETURNING SHADOW

There is a shadow of your life that follows you around

Like every shadow here, they never make a sound

And just as you want to leave that shadow makes you stay

Then you return to life, just like any other day

But there are many that left their shadow behind

To seek freedom of love and life of a different kind

To be so bold and not be told, to be treated as a woman grown

To think for yourself, and make choices of your own

Only then will your shadow relax and reappear

With thumbs up and no longer reason of any fear

A sign will arrive that you fought for all the rights you should have had

Smiles from your shadow and no longer any trace of feeling sad

You'll blossom into that girl you used to be

The one that twirled her dress as if forever free

And the love will come to you as it does with effort more

just like it does from the ocean to the shore

As you grow older and watch your children dance

You'll smile away because you fought for a second chance

And as you seek the sun that shadow reappears

To give you that elusive smile and a thousand fewer tears....

TonyWK

[LastChance]

OK, I have no similar story but maybe a few resources that I think are great.

Have a look at "fawn response". It helps to understand that you are experience most likely a trauma due to narcissistic abuse (which is most likely the case from what you describe). And you are not at fault in any way.

Good resources on youtube are:

• DoctorRamani
• SurvivingNarcissism
• FromSurvivingToThriving
• healyourcodependency

In addition I recommend podcasts from Paul Colaianni.

• The Overwhelmed Brain
• Love and Abuse

But be careful with that research. Make sure your husband does not discover it. From what you describe you seems to be in constant danger, so be careful.

The bad news... your husband's behavior will not change. The only option for you and your children is separation and to move out. There are plenty of encouraging stories from people to break free.

All the best.