Confused in my marriage

[Mumof_2]

If I completely honest with myself my marriage has always been a bit of a roller coaster. On some level I wonder if my husband has an undiagnosed mental health condition. He rides a lot of highs and a lot of lows. I wake up everyday no knowing what one I'm going to get. He is 16 years older than me and I have never really felt our age difference until recently. For a lot of it we have a lovely life, we have two beautiful children, we are relatively financially stable, we enjoy lots of adventure together as a family we have great friends. The hard part is we run a small business together, he hates it and puts so much pressure on myself, if things go wrong its my fault.. always, he can never apologise, he can't operate our business without me and I couldn't operate it without him. Recently the stress he places on me has me pretty much clutching at straws, I have imagined what life would be like without him and when I think about that I find a sense of calm within myself but at the same time I know he adores me and our kids and for me to make the decision to leave it would have a negative impact on everyone. In saying we are financially stable, we are but not so much if you were to split so everything would change, Is it worth it???????

[Croix]

Dear Mumof 2~

Welcome here to the Forum. It sounds like you have some pretty serious problems to face, and there really is no road-map or guide. I wish there was

Looking though your post it would appear that there are some pluses to your circumstances. You have a business, are financially stable together, a happy history to look back on and a husband that loves you and the children

On the downside he has highs and lows -and you never know what to expect. He always blames you, never himself, when things go wrong. Many men believe that thay have to be self-reliant and stoic, and when
pressures get too great they use anger and blame as an outlet.

This must take a huge toll on you, not knowing what to expect and the certainty you will always be blamed and you point of view not taken into account. Relief only comes if you imagine you are out of it all.

I'd have to say such pressure is something nobody would want long-term, and there does need to be relief for you -urgently. It may be a question that he needs relief too.

True you can split up, however that's not that straightforward. You say yourself financial security would be threatened, it takes a huge emotional toll, and may be heartbreaking for all of you, I don't know. As such maybe it might be regarded as a last resort - what do you think?

One also has to remember separation does not necessarily mean the end of a relationship, particularly with children, business or property involved.

I wonder if there is a lesser path to the same end? You husband does not like the busines and cannot handle things going wrong. In addition you have mentioned he swings between highs and lows. Do you think it is possible that he could be persuaded to seek professional help? Admittedly this is a difficult thing for a person to face.

Another thing I'm wondering is if he has to be so closely associated with the business? Could it for example afford someone part-time to take his place and allow him to concentrate more on the bits he doesn't mind so much?.

I'm a bit concerned you may be trying to deal with all this by yourself in isolation. Anyone in your circumstances would need support, it is a very hard, upsetting, and stressful time. So may I ask if you have someone you can lean on and talk frankly with -a family member or friend? They just have to listen and care. It can help a lot

Counseling may be another option for you, Relationships Australia 1300 364 277 can often offer good advice

I hope we can talk more

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Mumof 2, just adding on from what Croix has said, if your husband doesn't like the business you are both running and blames you for anything that may happen, doesn't mean another person can't help you, who maybe more affable if you decide you want to buy him ouT.

When having a sense of calm as you are, may seem to be a stronger pull than remaining in this marriage, especially as he is older than you and for your own health a business should not be enough to hold two unhappy people together because there are other solutions.

Being apart doesn't mean that he can't love you and the kids and if you are financially stable now, also means that the business could grow much more if you had someone willing to help you, rather than blame you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Mumof_2]

Thank-you for your reply, unfortunately due to skills shortages here it's almost impossible to find someone at the moment to share the load, that's part of the pressure we are facing. I have spoken a little bit to my Dad but that's all. Probably not to the full extent that I need too. I come from a divorced family so I guess in my heart I do know that things always work out. My husband comes from a family where perhaps his mum should have left his Dad but stuck it out and put up with him, so thats the scenario he is familiar with and mine is the earlier. I am contemplating having a crack at trying to sell our business in order to try and save my marriage. He does worry about what we will do for income but I am a firm believer that when one door closes another one will open.

[jaz28]

Hi there,

This sounds really familiar to me. My parents used to own a business together and it was the same. my dad always used to put pressure on my mum and it was not good.

They have been apart for 5 years and let me tell you that staying together for everyone else never ends well, not in my experience anyway. you have to do what feels right for you and what will progress you forward. everyone will be better off.

although, marriage does have tough times. is this something you are willing to talk about with him and move forward? or even do couples counselling?

i hope things improve,

jaz xx

[Resolute459]

I am not a great believer in door opening when door closes. It is true but when you have what you know it is only fools who jump to see what the next thing would bring. You have to sell the family business?