Confused, do I keep trying or separate?

[chlokel]

Hi all, thanks for taking the time to read this. I have been with my husband for 7 years, we have a blended family with two teens living with us still. He has always had issues with binge drinking on a minimum weekly basis, but during lockdowns can get pass out drunk two or three times a week. He never remembers a lot the next day so for years he's gotten verbally abusive each time he drinks, with me and the kids..a few nights before we got engaged he tried to smash my phone and wouldn't stop yelling because id forgotten a friend had sent me a birthday text five months earlier. I spend my week anxious with his moods being so up and down and as soon as I see a bottle opens I spend my night waiting for him to suddenly get angry at me. The other night he wouldn't stop yelling, i went to bed and so he kept coming into the room for hours to yell at me every ten minutes or so. I told him the next night all he had done and he said he'd never drink again but i just don't know if its too late now.

Im lightened Ill make the wrong choice, when he's in a good frame of mind he's amazing, kind, generous and so loving but he's also a really moody guy, very untrusting because of his past relationships, has very little patience for my daughter (from my previous marriage) but all the time in the world for our son (from his previous relationship) We separated last year and he kept saying i had someone else, kept up the drinking. He the promised me the world and said things would be so different, we saw a marriage councillor but i rarely found being honest. He kept telling me to talk out my concerns but when he drank, yelled at me for talking too much.

We have just recently bought our dream home and I don't want to lose everything, i just cant say for certain i don't want to lose him...

Thanks for reading, even with no advice i needed to get it out of my head.

[JaneyLou]

I was in a very similar relationship for 25 years. Your dream home is not a dream home if you’re unhappy and your children are unhappy and frightened of this man and when his temper may snap.

It feels like you cannot get out. But you have the strength within you to do it and you deserve better. You don’t deserve to be treated like that by anyone who claims to love you.
Love does not look like that. Emotional abuse looks like that.

This man has his own issues he must deal with and resolve and you and your kids deserve to be happy and safe without his anger.

The leopard does not change his spots unfortunately. Trust what your inner gut tells you is right. Take care big hugs.

[Sophie_M]

Hi chlokel,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, you also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences. 

We are sorry to hear that you have been feeling so anxious within your relationship. We understand this must be such an awful feeling, especially with two teens close by. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would recommend that you get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[jaz28]

My dad was like this. He is an amazing person but he could never say no to a drink, and when he drank, he couldn't have just one - it was to get drunk. He wasn't as abusive but it was very difficult for my mother to deal with him constantly forgetting things and just not being a present partner. They're separated now for 5 years.

Now he is much better, doesn't drink as much,m and is happier. Mum has a new partner and is so happy too.

I am not saying you should separate, but these situations are difficult, and you need to put yourself first sometimes.

Jaz.

[Croix]

Dear Chlokel~

Welcome here, I'm sorry it had to be under such circumstances.

I'm afraid I'll have to be blunt -you deserve no less.

The phrase "ruined by drink" sadly is a very true one. You husband at one time may well have been a kind generous loving guy but now it would seem the majority of his time is either drinking or suffering the effects the next day. During that time his character changes to toxic.

Alcohol is an addiction as well as being a poison in all sorts of ways. To expect just a promise of better would seem to me to be too trusting. He would need specialist help and then constant reinforcement for years to keep sober. Some do achieve this, many never do. In the meantime you and the children suffer

Your relationship has been ruined by drink too. There is no way that anyone should have to live with someone who is drunk, abusive, unreliable and on at least one occasion violent.

I'll not bother to discus favoritism in the children, that in itself will leave deep marks on both.

Can I suggest you ring 1800Respect - 1800 737 732 and talk over what your options are.

Then you might be in a better position to see your current situation, the likelihood of matters in the future and be in a better position to decide what's best.

It is very easy from someone outside to say simply leave, however in real life it may be desirable, but not easy to do for a whole ton of reasons ranging from love and hope through to finances for all of which you would need advice and help.

May I ask how the children are taking all this?

One other question if you do not mind, do you have any support of your own. I'm not talking about that councilor but family or a friend to talk with , not to fix things, but so you feel cared for and may also gain a different perspective.

I hope you will come back and say what you think and how you are getting on

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Chlokel, welcome to both you and JaneyLou.

An alcoholic's promises that they will give up is only done by actually doing it, these promises aren't real and they're said in the spur of the moment, especially when something awful happens, a promise is worth less than the price of a stamp and someone like your husband can not possibly have one drink only, the needs more, and what he's been saying to you must be terrible.

Even though he might be good doesn't take away the fact that his drinking destroys all of this knowing that as soon as he starts drinking the whole scenario changes for the worse.

You've just bought your dream home and this must be exciting in one way hoping it might change his addiction, unfortunately, it won't unless he decides himself that he has to stop, then you will both appreciate the excitement of planning ahead, but now there might be a disappointment.

The love for him may only be hoping that he will become sober, but when his personality suddenly changes once he drinks, then protection, self awareness and making you change into a different person develops.

If he doesn't want to stop then being together is going to make your relationship rather difficult, because you can't have him while sober and not intoxicated and understand your concern, so please when you're able can you please get back to us.

Geoff.

[deek21]

I just wrote my own post. My partner who's in his late 20s is an alcoholic. Been to rehab etc. We've been through 2 yrs of a relationship thus far but I haven't seen the full effects of his alcoholism, I'm also concerned about the addict side of him.

He is just like your husband so I can definitely relate. He's sweet loving funny an all round good man. And he's taken on my two kids as his own. So tick. But his an addict and recently drinking again. Weekly also. I'm not around him currently we are looking to move in together but I'm concerned due to the drinking. Some people tell me men are men overlook this. But he's had an incident with an ex where he was violent. Due to being intoxicated. So I'm worried.

I'm also deeply in love with him and there is this intense connection I just can't let go of. I can't even last a day not thinking about him.

I can't even begin to think about how your feeling it made me think of myself and also think how horrible your feeling and what advice I'd give you. Because I feel so similar..but as easy as it is to say leave your heart says another. Thinking of you x

[geoff]

There can be many reasons why we love someone, but when they start to use alcohol as a crutch because their addiction controls them, then they become another person, far different than when they're sober and the unexpected can easily happen, which they may be sorry for the next day, but this can be indicative of what lay ahead if the relationship continues.

I'm sorry.

Geoff.