Confused and upset by a guy

[Lyssaa]

Hey everyone,

Nearly two months ago I started speaking to this guy at uni. Me and him got along really well, with similar interests and a sense of humour, and he told me a few times I had beautiful eyes or that I was very pretty. After about three weeks of hanging out in our classes at uni, I suggested to him we should hang out and he suggested we do baking together, so he came over to my house to bake. We had a good time, I confessed that I liked him and he said he also liked me and he kissed me multiple times. 

For the next few weeks whenever we saw each other at uni, he would always kiss me goodbye, we would have a great time chatting, and he would put his arm around me or lean into me or touch my arm. Very obvious signs that someone likes you. 

However last week, I started to feel really anxious for no reason, and I didn’t know why. Then I realised it was because since he’d said he liked me, nothing had gone any further than that and aside from him showing obvious signs he was into me, he hadn’t said anything about it. So the other night I flicked him a quick message asking for some clarity on how he saw the two of us and saw us progressing. His response was that he’s emotionally confused and while I’m awesome, incredibly petty and incredibly smart he thinks he just sees me as a friend, but he loves seeing me and talking to me at uni and playing games with me on iMessages and he doesn’t wanna lose that and hopes we can be friends. 

I’m really upset about the whole situation- he said he liked me and acted like he was into me (the physical contact, the kissing, the body language and eye contact, the constant talking around me) but then when I bring it up he says he’s emotionally confused and just sees me as a friend but doesn’t wanna lose hanging around with me?? When I then told him I was confused because he said he liked me and kissed me, he just said that yeah he was emotionally confused and was sorry for confusing me. 

obviously I was, and still am confused. My friends all think he was into me, just scared of any kind of commitment, and I’m mad because I know if I didn’t bring it up with him he probably would have kept kissing me and acting into me without saying anything. Do I have every right to be mad at him and angry and upset, or should I cut him slack? 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm 66yo and had numerous relationships including 4 long term over 7 years duration. From what I've learned about people and myself during that time I think I can see what's going on.

• "Confused" people are either interested in someone else but dont say, dont feel a romantic connection or want the fun without the commitment. Either way they are unsuitable as partner material.
• We may well have a greater interest in them than they have in us. That's tough on you but such interest must be near equal for it to work. That minimal level of interest can grow over time if he allowed it but it must come from him naturally, eg not under obligation
• Such a predicament does not mean there is something wrong with you. That's a mistake many rejected people have and it is not beneficial to you that you lose confidence over it.
• Most important- everyone reacts differently to rejection. Some can remain friends, some cant. Two of my long term partners I couldnt stand the presence of post separation. One I remained friends with. So yes, you can feel angry but is it his fault? No, not really, if the spark isnt there then move on.

Rebuild your confidence. Find someone better!

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

TonyWK

[livi_mivi]

Hey Lyssaa, 

I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. I'm sure it would've been hard to hear what he said, especially because it appeared to be progressing into something else. It sounds like that it wasn't the answer that you wanted or expected to hear and you might feel deceived by him. 

It's okay to feel upset by the situation and how it has all unfolded. He very well might be scared of commitment. There are a multitude of reasons why he might be feeing this way. But for now, there is only one thing you can control and that is how you are feeling. It's important that you take the time that you need to heal from this. Understand that the way he is feeling is a reflection of his internal processes/insecurities/fears etc., not you as a person. This very well might be a blessing in disguise, especially if it prevented an even longer period before this conversation occurred. For now, let yourself feel and vent. Build yourself up and understand your worth. Invest your time into people and things that make you happy. One day, you might find that these feelings of anger might subside. But this won't ever occur if you don't allow yourself to feel. 

Wishing you the best in this journey 😊