Confused about my relationship

[Smithsons]

Hi, I'm a 20 year old guy and I've been dating my girlfriend for about 6 years now. I've known for quite some time that I was bi, but I never told her, because I stupidly pretended that that part of me wasn't real and I was just completely straight. I also never told her because I felt like if I did, I'd blow what we had, and what we had was amazing. She was my best friend and my girlfriend. We spoke and videoed every single day and night, enjoyed every minute of it. When I kissed her it felt like magic, when I hugged her a strange warm feeling would seize my heart. The guilt of her not knowing I was bi eventually got to me. Every time I saw her, that's what was on my mind - and a huge surge of guilt would overtake me, and I'd feel so anxious that sometimes I'd need to escape to the bathroom to avoid having a panic attack. I wanted her to know me down to my core, and she was the first person to ever find out. When I told her, she was perfect, she told me she didn't care and it doesn't define who I am and that she even likes that I'm bi. The first time I saw her after coming out to her, the same sort of guilt that used to hit me when I saw her still got to me. This panicked me. Why wasn't I happy to see her? Things have just not been the same since I told her. I feel nervous about seeing her and doing stuff I used to love doing with her. It just feels like it's not working anymore. Honestly, I've even questioned whether I still love this girl? There have been moments that've brought me to almost breaking up with her, but each time, I just sobbed uncontrollably, so I know that's not what I want. She went through depression last year. Then, she tried breaking up 5 times. Each time she told me it wasn't working and she wasn't happy with me anymore and she wasn't sure if she loved me. Once she got over her depression we became happier than ever. She now tells me I'm going through the same thing. She thinks I've fallen into depression because for the first time in my whole life I'm having to become accepting of this part of me, when I've spent my whole life suppressing it and thinking it was a huge deal and something to be ashamed of. There have been moments with this girl, since I've been depressed, where things have been magic, just like old times, and it's just clicked. But these times only last about 20 mins to half an hour, after that I just feel okay around her. And other times I feel really bad around her. I don't know what to do? Is this normal?

[white knight]

Hi Smithsons

This is really complex and I cant see any words that could assist you more than relationship counselling.

The fact that it became complex in itself is the reason the relationship has become less stable than it was. My guess is that she told you she was happy you were bi because she loves you and wanted to say something that might please you.

Yet, often this backfires when reality sets in. See, just sayin'...your revelation is a game changer in that she would know the consequences, being that she would have to share you with others of the same sex as you in what seemed the perfect relationship. Your nature of your sexuality isn't the topic, that's your choice, but you cannot expect her to feel grand about it....that's also her choice. Depression might be related to all of this, a game changer she cannot cope with.

I suggest some counselling to allow open minds in a professional environment.

Tony WK

[Paul]

Hi Smithsons,

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

It's great that you were able to tell your girl about being bi and she is so awesome and accepting. 

If I understand correctly, your girlfriend is 100% accepting of you but you feel like something has changed and it feels like old times until about 20 minutes after seeing her. Are you able to very very slowly walk through how you feel and what you are saying to yourself during that period and when you feel the shift? I have to do this to catch myself if I feel I am becoming depressed. I play it like it's a movie in slow motion. I can then watch sequences of thoughts and emotions that link together. 

In playing the movie, you might find some emotion or thought that you skip over normally. This might be because it is painful or requires change. 

My view about being in a relationship and being bi is that it's no different to any other expression of sexuality especially if you are committed to the person you are with and you have both agreed to a monogamous relationship. For someone who is heterosexual and in a monogamous relationship, they may still perve and fantasize about people - of the opposite sex. For gay people in a monogamous relationship, it's people of the same sex. For someone who is bi, it's people of both sexes. There are still boundaries regardless of sexuality.

I have a couple who are both friends of mine. They have kids. He came out to his wife as bi years ago and she is completely fine. He has not cheated on his wife and he never would; he chooses to remain faithful and adores his wife. He expresses and explores his bisexuality by using pics, fantasies, pornography etc. Because he is honest with his wife, it's no big deal!

So. What I am saying is; if your girlfriend is truly OK with your bisexuality are you?

If you are OK with your bisexuality, are you OK to be monogamous. If you are finding difficulty in being sexual with just one gender, are there ways you can satisfy your sexual attraction to both sexes and remain faithful?

There's a sexuality and gender identity forum here, you may find the folks there have had similar experiences and can offer some advice.

Stay in touch Smithsons and let us know how you are going. We're all here to listen and help. You're definitely not alone in feeling down. You're also not alone in exploring and working out bisexuality. Sexuality is an amazing thing and nothing to be ashamed of. It's an important part of who we are!

Take care.

Paul

[geoff]

dear Smithson, good comment Paul and well said, knowing that I know of your sexuality.

First of all you had been suppressing your thoughts, and maybe there could have been some denial included in this, because you wanted to tell your g/friend but couldn't, because of how she would think of you, but as Paul has said 'majority of people still perve and fantasize about people - of the opposite sex or the same sex', and I'm even sure that even people in a monogamous relationshi