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Communication issues

Community Member

Hello All,

I am not sure if this is the right space in the forum, feel free to move it.

How do you communicate as a bad communicator with a bad communicator? How do you communicate at all? Since starting my journey 4 months ago, I have managed to "talk" to 3 people apart from my GP and psychologist.

One friend I sent a message saying "I am seeing a psychologist" - when the reply came, I did not know what else to say.

Another friend I told I have depression in person - and again I did not know what to add.

I have tried to talk to my husband a few times. Once telling him I felt down. Then telling him I still felt down and I was worried to lose him. I tried again today, but he is a really bad talker and I think he hates feeling helpless - and he feels helpless when I am not well. I know he loves me to the moon and back and he will always be there for me, but he really is a terrible talker - and so am I... our whole conversation lasted 1 minute up to 5 minutes today... He reassures me that he loves me and that he will always be there for me and then he runs out of words - and so do I. I have not even told him that there is more than depression.

So how am I going to let people in????????? I keep being told that it is easier if I have a support network, but how???

7 Replies 7

Community Member

Hi yggy, not sure if this will be helpful or not, but I'll give my perspective.

If your husband is anything like me, I find some conversations difficult because I am solution focused. If there are no clear solutions or pathways to a solution, I am always unsure how to proceed.

Perhaps if you approach him from an angle of "I need to do this... What do you think about option a and option b?"   He might feel more confident in the subject..  So instead of saying "I feel bad today", say something like "I need a bit of a pick-me-up today, what do you think might help raise my spirits?"


Again, not sure if that's helpful or not... Good luck,  and remember, you've got a support network right here too. Stay strong 🙂

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Yggy, in some ways you would think that an answer to your question would be easy, but it's not, there's no easy way to give you an explanation.

Trying to talk to someone who is as you say, a bad communicator can be very disappointing, because they have no clue on how to approach you and then give you a sensible solution, simply because they just turn off, and everything you say goes in one ear and out the other, and all they wish for is that you can give yourself an answer, a solution which you will appear to make you rhetorically some what pleased, in that you don't expect an answer from them.

Maybe we do hope or expect someone can give us a sensible answer, but if they haven't had any type of depression, then their knowledge of trying to help you is only minimal, and all they want to do is run for the hills.

A partner/spouse who has someone with depression, does get tired of having to talk about exactly what has been discussed before, especially if some resolution had been settled on, and then for you to raise it again is where their agitation and annoyance begins to surface.

Talking to people who have had depression and experienced everything it can throw at us, could be your best support network, because you start talking about what has happened, and then they suddenly interrupt and agree totally with you, which certainly makes you feel welcomed. L Geoff. x


Hi triptych,

 this sounds so much like us... I think both my husband and I are solution focussed - that is why I get so mad with myself, when I cannot see a way out. I will try giving him options when I can. We actually have some rules in place for when I grief for my Dad, who passed away many many years ago, but I still have moments when I get really upset, and I told my husband once what to do, and that works fairly well.

I think he also gets distressed when he cannot help me, so solutions would probably be easier for  him.

Community Member

Hello Geoff,

hope you are well!

I am not sure if my husband falls into that category, it is all still very new and we have not talked much about it yet. I am sure he struggles with the concept - but so do I. How come only a short while ago everything seemed fine, even to myself, and now... ??? Still baffles me.

I appreciate the forums here and it is great to have a support network with people who get it and who help me understand. I also like the fact that I can write. I am a bad talker as well and that has become even worse since I am confused a lot now.

I have a friend who suffers from depression, but I have not told her about my issues. She pulls me down with her mood, every single time. I never know if I am a bad friend when I don't want to see her, or if I just activated my self-defense mechanism.

Have a nice evening, Yggy

dear Yggy, thanks for getting back to us.

That's the biggest question we ask ourselves, why all of a sudden do we suddenly become depressed, because yesterday everything was great and now today I feel like s-----t.

Many times people find it so hard to talk about how they are feeling, maybe by being embarrassed, can't verbally express what they are felling, don't want to appear to be moaning because nothing seems to be wrong with us, (hiding our illness).

If however your friend is suffering from depression, just as you are, don't feel obligated in trying to help her/him, because you can't help yourself and don't want the burden of trying to help them, it only puts more pressure on yourself.

So I agree it's your self defence kicking in, because you have no answers for yourself, then how could you find any answers for her/him.

Although sometimes we are able to give advice to someone else suffering from depression, because it doesn't mean that we have to do it ourselves, or perhaps what we do say to them is something we should be doing ourselves, but can't, so in other words, it can be much easier to advice someone else than it is to help ourselves. L Geoff. x

Community Member

Hi All

I realise this is an old post, but having read through a bunch of them on marriage/relationship/communication issues, this one kind of sums me up.

My wife and I still have an OK marriage, but it has deteriorated a lot in the last year or two and when your daughter says to you "you two need to get some help" you have to sit up and take notice.

In a nutshell, we now argue a lot. My fallback position each time is to say that we never used to argue like this.

I don't feel that I've changed what I say or do or how I behave in recent years. So I struggle when she pulls me up on something I've said or the way I've said it, that just seems natural to me.

In fairness to her, I've probably just got away with comments and things in the past that she is now pulling me up on. And after 22 years of marriage (and a stay at home mum), the kids mostly grown up and she is kind of stepping up. Though she has always been a leader amongst her friends and family.

Im not a good talker amongst family and friends (work is different) and my wife has always taken that lead, which I've been happy to follow. And I've always seen this as a good thing as she can start a conversation and pluck a topic out of mid air and engage people, whilst I'm still flicking through a mental list of possible topics and thinking about what to say next.

Writing stuff down just seems to work better for me, hence this forum.

So her advice is I need to change and I think I accept that.

She doesn't want to get and couples/marriage counselling or help and I want to respect that, at least for now, as I know it would be easier for me to sit in a room and let her start and direct the conversation for both of us.

So this is my starting point.

Thanks for being there.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hello GT550, the posts on these forums on relationships are some of the most difficult I find, and a common theme is "he/she won't listen". What I like about your post is that even though you don't understand why things aren't working at the moment, you acknowledge that they aren't working and that you do (along with your wife) have a role to play in that. That puts you many steps ahead of a lot of other couples.

My two cents is that people change over time. This is no-one's fault. Your needs, and hers, will be different now to what they were ten years ago. The key now is to work out where on the map you both are.

It sounds like she isn't keen on the idea of counselling, but perhaps you might be open to this. Have you considered whether this could be something for you personally, to perhaps give you some tools to work with around communication? Your post displays a lot of self-reflection which I think would give you a lot of benefit sitting in a room with an impartial professional.