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Chore VS Commitment

Qwerty23456
Community Member
Hi everyone, not sure what I am hoping to get out of this.. but just needed an outlet to voice it out. How do you cope when a relationship transitioned to a chore, or dread.

We have been married for 3 years, and I know my husband is not keen on kids. However, I he claims " I want to have kids with you". I was on the pill for the first 2 years as we weren't ready, but when Covid hit, I thought it would be a good time to start trying.. So we did, for the first half of 2020. I stopped consuming alcohol and started taking more vitamins, bought ovulation kit to confirm I was ovulating.. but i still wasn't pregnant.

I know it takes time, but he stopped wanting to be intimate anymore. Its been 3 months since we had sex.

I'm not working, so I look forward to just catching up with him after work. I dont think I ask for hours and hours of attention, I take care pretty much 90% of the housework, but he doesn't want to engage in conversation even. I know he is tired from work, tired from school and just wants some alone time.. but the alone time is only pertaining towards me. He still texts his friends during his alone time. Infact he texts them through out the day.

There is this female friend who he texts frequently. I'm sure they are not physically cheating on me because she is in another country. But I realised that he tries to do things she like and engages her in conversation.. he tries out her favourite drink when I've been trying to get him to try stuff that i like, and does her favourite activity and sends her photos of it. The behaviour reminds me of when he was pursuing me during our dating days..


We tried talking about it and he has confirmed that he feels I am a chore.. he did try to initiate more cuddling for the first 3 days but i can feel " urgh CHORE"radiating from him while he does it.. he has stopped cuddling and actually we have stopped talking.. however life goes on as usual for him because he obviously does not want to deal with a normal wife much less a crying depressed wife.

I guess I am hurt and still trying to come to terms with all this. It is sad that I'm demoted to "chore" while I still treat him as a commitment. I don't want to indulge in self pity and im tired of starting and ending my day crying. Does anybody have any good advice please?


5 Replies 5

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

QWERTY

welcome to the forum,

Sometimes it takes a while for your post to be answered but that is no reflection on you or your post.

It must be be hard that you were trying for a baby and now your husband has made doing things for you feel like a chore.

His time spent interacting with the woman online doing her favourite things yet making you feel doing things you like is a chore, would be hurtful for you.

Did you know before you married him that he was not keen on kids.?

It is a conflicting message to say not keen on kids but want kids with you. maybe the reality when you started trying dawned on him and he started to withdraw.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel about him treating your relationship like a chore ?

Feel free to post here as much as you like. You are not alone as people reading your post will relate to you.

By answering your post more people will be able to see your post as it will be b7mmoed up the list.
Take care

romantic_thi3f
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Qwerty23456,

Welcome to the forums too - I'm sorry that yours got unanswered but really glad that quirky found this one and said hello.

I am so sorry to read about what you are going through; I felt myself sink as I read that he said you feel like a chore - that must have been so hard to hear.

None of what you've talked about sounds like self-pity, it just sounds like pain, and very understandable pain. I'm 1000% sure that I would also be crying as well.

Does he know now how he's words have made you feel?

Here for you.

rt

Hi both,
Thank you for your kind words. We have been talking it out and I have decided not to have kids. It wasn't a high priority in my list of things to accomplish, i guess it got bumped up because of covid.

After days of crying I am sadly numb to it. Our conversation last night was him saying these exact words:" I'm stressed out coming home and would rather stay at work. "

Basically what he said has reaffirmed what I've been feeling all these time. But its just been a vicious cycle:
He ignores me, i feel it, I want comfort from him, he withdraws and finds comfort elsewhere, and I'm alone back to square one.

His analogy is that he only this amount of capacity everyday and by the time he comes home he has only maybe 5% left for me. And I keep wanting >5% and it is draining him out.

I have been keeping myself busy to drain my capacity down as well. But it feels like this is no longer a relationship anymore. On hindsight now I am glad we do not have children..



Qwerty

thanks for replying . I can feel the pain in your words .
It is so sad thst the one person you rely on is not there for you.

I was in a relationship once where I felt more alone than when I was single because the one person I felt should be there to comfort me preferred to drink and chat to strangers in a pub. He also was emotionally distant .

I think when someone prefers work or others to our company, it reflects on them. It can be easier to ignore what is happening rather than to try and face it through counselling or communication.

what self care things are you doing to help look after yourself.?

Feel free to keep osling here as we are listening and you are not alone.

Hi quirky, I'm sorry you had a similar experience.. i hope you are feeling better.

Its come to a point where I feel there is no point in counselling and communicating especially if it is only me who believes that would help. It has to be a 2 way street but he has 0 empathy and unfortunately refuses to change that about himself.

How do you tell someone he is wrong when he doesn't believe so? My insecurities are just brushed away by him, but they are validated by my friends and family. It doesn't help if 100 people agrees with me but he doesn't see it from my point of view. How do I move on from that?

I'm choosing to find a new thing to anchor myself to for support. Aside from trying to find new interests/hobby/routines, i am also reasoning it out with myself whether is this the lifestyle I am ready for..