Childhood neglect, relationship trauma and step parent jealousy

[Yamoro]

I wouldn’t say I was raised. I raised myself. My mum neglected me for work. She essentially estranged me from my father and lied about his identity. I found the truth in my 30s.  My stepdad was preoccupied by his hobbies and my 1/2 brothers. And I turned to boy chasing as a teen. In my 20s I got pregnant by my traumatised boyfriend who was taking substances. I have to two most wonderful kids (yes I had the 2nd, because I believed having two abandoned kids would be better than 1- they would always have me and each other!) I’ve avoided all forms of abusive self regulation, like substances. Occasionally spending too much online is my vice.  We separated in 2018 after I needed a family violence order put in place and my mother took him in as her son and again neglected me. Denying my birth rites of a mother daughter love once again. Paying for his habit, lifestyle and recently moving him into her house. In 2021 I started a interstate relationship with a guy who has 3 little ones. We tried bringing them all together and it triggered so much anxiety and trauma in me. The only way to work is if he moves, leaving his kids (who he shares an unsteady custody arrangement) and I have guilt letting that happen. But I am growing more and more resentful to his situation and children. I feel like a monster having bad feelings towards children who would suffer the same neglect I did. But I can’t help it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love him, he is by all means my best friend and lover. But I cannot live this lonely anymore. I am an introvert and with all my baggage I struggle to make friends. I’m in a pickle and I know it. I know I have to make a hard choice or live with this situation. Taking in the moments of love we share when he comes. But financially we as a couple are getting no where. I’m scared for the future but I can’t be alone without his love and support. I literally feel I have no family, only 2 brothers who are so preoccupied with their lives, being uncle is only a quarterly role for them. 

[Yamoro]

I really need some encouragement from the community that I am not the only one who suffers from step parent guilt! Am I a bad person for not wanting to care for his kids? Or a horrible for person for wanting him to myself? I cannot handle this guilt I have. It is tearing me apart every day. The conflicting feelings are so painful. Had anyone had this feeling before,

[That Other Guy]

I feel like you've been through a lot and have your own struggles that make it hard for you to navigate this sort of situation.  I am hesitant to give too much advice because I don't want to cause harm to someone who seems vulnerable.  If your partner is your best friend, have you talked to him about how you feel? There are kids involved, but they have another carer as well, so it could be that you find a balance that works for everyone but it feels to me like you should be talking to a counsellor to make sure you're not being put in situations you can't manage and that you stay well

I also raised myself, my mother was completely absent until she died, she never once showed me love.  So I get that

[Yamoro]

Thank you so much for commenting. Firstly I am sorry you have this mother wound. It is something I find difficult talking about to people, as I find people often question my honesty. A mother who abandons mentally, emotionally and spiritually seems to be not understood. And placed in the, too hard basket so must be untrue. That is why I have chosen to come here. The guise of secrecy I feel may help me find some solace in not being alone in that space. Which you have given me. Thank you. 

To answer your questions, I have spoken with him about it. But it sometimes hard to admit this fault. As a women, I feel pressure to love his kids as “that’s what women do” but I think you are right. It may be time to go back to a psychologist and talk this through. 

i am definitely in a vulnerable position, as I have been for most of my life. I guess I just needed reassurance that, maybe I am not bad or nasty or too broken to have a meaningful relationship one day. 

[That Other Guy]

Yeah, I hear you.  The trope of the loving mother is strong and people don't get how any other sort exists.  I spent my whole childhood trying to get my mum to say ' l love you'.  She never did.  My wife insists all my other issues stem from that rejection.  I am certainly insecure and find it easy to believe people don't love me

Societal pressure is rubbish . You're a human and you owe society nothing.  Burn that stuff to the ground.

We're all broken in some ways.  I sure am.  Everyone still deserves love and support.  Taking on someone else's kids isn't for everyone, even discounting your own background of trauma.  The best you can ever do is be open and honest about who you are, and accept that you are valid, no matter how you're different from the nonsense society tries to push onto you.

But yeah, talking to someone who is qualified to offer advice is bound to give better results than random strangers on the internet 🙂

[Yamoro]

All I have to say is thank you. I was looking for understanding and a judgement free exchange and you have given that to me. 

Perhaps your wife has a point, but sometimes these scares get in the way no matter how hard we try. It’s just part of us. As you say, we are all broken in a way. Some more than others. Some scares heal and we can return to normal and others morph us into our uniqueness. 

Thank you for your comments.  You may be a stranger on the Internet. But this interaction is as close to being exposed and allow my scares to be seen at this stage. My current mental state does not allow me to seek more meaningful in person based openness at this point. Maybe one day! But yes a professional will help. 

[That Other Guy]

I can't tell you how glad I am  that i have helped.  I know I am fragile, and that I struggle, and if I've helped someone else who has similar issues, then I am very happy.

She's pretty much always right 🙂 My personality in so many ways is formed by an expectation and fear of rejection.  Some things just never heal, it seems

Whatever happens, just do whatever you need to, to look after your self.  Those who love you, want that for you.  You need to make sure you are OK first, then try to care for those around you.

good luck!!!!

[Yamoro]

Dear that other guy. 

I really wanted to thank you again. Since this little exchange I have looked more honestly and openly about what was causing all this resentment and jealousy in me. 

We had attempted to bring our kids all together at one time. And I was not ready for it. I said that. And he didn’t cancel the trip. I was in a vulnerable state and he didn’t respect that. When he arrived with his kids, they brought with them some very interesting hobbies which are quite frankly not age appropriate. Between us there were 5 kids aged 5-10. And I was not happy with the “games” his played. Additionally our parenting styles were very different. He babied his son and let him get away with everything. Where as I am quick to correct my kids harmful and disrespectful behaviour (to themselves or others). This whole exchange left me rather traumatised and changed how I saw him. I didn’t feel safe or understood when I spoke up. And I didn’t feel supported or trusting that he would have my back when he needed to.

Latwly the distance is too hard. I need consistency and stability. So I have decided to end it. I need to focus on myself and my children. And ultimately I think he needs to do the same with his. Combing the families together is not possible due to distance. And I don’t want to become the person i was becoming. 

This may sound sad, but it was really an exchange I needed to remind myself, I have been through enough. And I have to again chose me and my kids first. 

thank you for the little support  you gave, it was enough to make me pause and think hard on what is best for me/ us. I may be vulnerable, but I am resilient and always aware, I am the only one responsible for my happiness. 

thank you again.