Childhood anxiety because of a change of town and school.

[Molly__]

We have recently relocated to a country town from the city and our only 11 year old child has been struggling with anxiety. He had a difficult start at his new school where his teacher greeted him with " No one told me about you", and his first day buddy left him to go to sick bay without telling him. After the first week he started to settle in and made several friends. A few weeks later he began to complain about feeling sick and not wanting to go to school. He said that nothing was wrong just that he missed his friends from his old school. We have made an appt for him to have a chat to a psychologist but he can't get in to see them until January. Has anyone got any suggestions on how we can help him in the meantime? In particular his anxiety is causing him to get upset which then is making him more upset because he doesn't want his class mates to see him cry.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Molly

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting.

Sorry to hear about the long wait to see a psychologist; that's so frustrating. I imagine that you've looked into other mental health services in the area as well. Sometimes the GP can push for a sooner appointment or you can ask to be on a cancellation list which may help.

I'm not sure where about's you've moved to, but it might be worth seeing what other services are in the area? Often libraries and community centres can have a lot of events for the community; this can be a great way to meet people and get familiar with the new town. If there are sporting events or clubs this might be worth looking into as well. Simple things like being able to go for a drive and show him things or experiences that he wouldn't get in the city can help him adjust; which might be as simple as interacting with wildlife.

I also imagine that it's important to show him that just because he moved out of the city doesn't mean everything is gone forever. Encouraging him to call or Skype his older friends can help, or making a plan to go back to the city where he can see them again. Using school as an incentive to go see his friends might even encourage him to attend more.

I'm wondering too if it might be helpful for you to have a chat with his teachers, or school counsellor (if they have one). Working with them closely is helpful as I'm sure they will have lots of experience of other students doing the same thing. I can definitely advocate for encouraging your child to go to school as much as he can - even if it's reduced to half days. It might be hard at first but not going at all may make it harder to jump back in next year. It might even be helpful for him to pick up some extra responsibilities at school, depending on what is around and what he is into. I know when I was in school and struggling with anxiety I worked with the teachers and grade 4/5 students; maybe if your son is into sports he could help there or if he's into food he could help at the canteen. Having that extra responsibility can give him a sense of independence too.

The school counsellor may also be able to work closely with him and give him strategies to help, or the teachers could ensure that he can 'partner up' easily and without too much hassle. Also having codewords or signals can be helpful so that if he does feel like crying or getting away he can signal and then go into a designated space where he feels safe and supported.

[Molly__]

Thank you so much, that is so helpful to hear from someone who has gone through the same thing as a child. We have contacted the school this week and are organising counselling for him. I love the idea of gestures to signal to his teacher when he is feeling anxious and I'll have a chat to her to organise. Really appreciate your help😄

[blondguy]

Hi Molly

I can empathize with your sons feelings after switching from a school in Canada (year 5) to a school in Tasmania

I remember how stressed I felt and how I was singled out with my accent. It can be a difficult time.

Romantic has a great post above. My parents were old school and there was no choice in whether or not I attended. It was just accepted I attend school.

Total changes in schools were about 6 different ones as per dads work. I could never retain any friendships of course but ended up with year 12.

Encouragement and TLC would have been a bonus during these years to assist in the relocations.

Good topic by the way Molly

my best

Paul

[Molly__]

Thanks Paul, appreciate your comments, we probably didn't realise how much the move would impact him but it is great how much help there is out there these days.

[blondguy]

Hey Molly

Thanks for the reply (its always a bonus)

I didnt mention it in my post above but when that teacher said 'no one told me about you' and his buddy going to sick without your son would have hurt....I was 9 when I was bounced between schools...

Forgive me if this sounds basic but I used to wish that my parent(s) used to drop me off or pick me up from school. It would have helped me a lot...

I hope that made some sense

my kindest

Paul

[Molly__]

Thanks Paul, it's great that people like yourself can help with your life experience, must have been really tough and shows your strength of character that you can turn it into something positive by helping others.

Thanks again😄

[Ellu]

Dear Molly**

I only just read your post and it brought back vivid memories to me. I attended 13 schools around the country - we had to move beause of my father's work. I was always the "new girl", an outsider and excluded and sometimes bullied. 11 is a pivotal age - no longer really a child but not yet an adolescent either. I am sure your son feels the move to a new school very keenly, and you are wise to seek professional advice for him to help him get through this rough patch. Isn't there a counsellor at the school he could see? Most schools have a counsellor or a teacher who acts as a counsellor on staff. It is very hard for you to help him except by listening and talking when he feels like talking about things.Are there any clubs/societies he could join to give him a sense of belonging? (cricket for example). I know from my personal experience how hard it is to make new friends, especially when he is missing old friends.

Make sure he knows you love him and support him, and try to help him become involved in school/community activities so he can make new friends. And follow up on that professional advice.He really needs an adult outside the family who he trusts and and can open up to. If it makes you feel any better I survived my 13 schools, (although it was rough at times) and went on to have a successful career and 4 children of my own. I know how parents worry about their children, but they are pretty resilient. If you can talk with your son and support him through this trauma (with professional help) I am sure he will do well.

My second son started showing signs of erratic behaviour in his late teens - irritable, uncommunicative, isolated socially, staying in his room on the computer all day...we got him in to see a psychologist, and after only three or four sessions he was a different person. He has grown into a fine, well-balanced man of 26 with a good job and stacks of friends. This is a very hard time for you, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Please keep believing that things will get better and your problems can be sorted. I went through it and I survived

Ellu

[Molly__]

Thanks Ellu, he went to see the school counsellor this week and he seemed happy to talk to her. He has also started playing soccer twice a week which seems to be helping. I don't think we really realised how much the move was going to affect him but really appreciate all the feedback from people who have had similar experiences. Thanks again😄

[blondguy]

Hey Molly, great news with your son seeing the school counsellor.......and playing soccer twice a week too 🙂

Really nice to get your mega compliments for the posters too! x

here for you

Paul