Can't figure out why it ended, why she chose someone else when she 'cares so much about me'
She (25/f) and I (33/m) met online, went on a date. Was brilliant, made out a LOT, heaps of chemistry. Agreed to 2nd date. Few days later she said she wanted to break it off as she was feeling overwhelmed, she'd already invested heavily in me, I was magnetic but had concerns over our different age/education etc. I accepted it.
2 weeks later she messaged, regretted her decision, could we see each other? We met, agreed to try again. Was going really well, seemed VERY into me, said whilst she still had concerns she wanted to see where it went. Next date: lots of cuddles & romantic kissing. Next we were at her place, she fell asleep and woke up in my arms. She didn't freak out per say but was very surprised, said it was very rare for her to do that. She has in the past said things like romantic songs make her sad, it's easier for her to mock love/romance than feel it, and mocked my romantic tendencies.
Later she said she can suffer from anxiety. Later seemed standoffish, said her next month was really busy. Seemed to be backing off so I asked if she wanted to keep seeing each other, wasn't sure what she wanted. She said due to life stress she wanted to end it. She said she'd 'definitely' get back in touch when things calmed down.
2 weeks later we chatted online. Seemed standoffish then got back to pretty much normal. Said a few times she was still busy and stressed, no time for things without being specific.
2 weeks later we chatted, she said she didn't want anything romantically from anyone, couldn't take any relationship seriously.
2 weeks later she facebook unfriended me, said was just a trim, still fine to chat. She's now in a relationship with someone else.
Before I knew that we had a chat. I accepted I was contacting her too much, had to back off. She initially just said 'all the best' ('goodbye'). I said I wasn't saying goodbye. She said I was a gem, really appreciated me, really did wish me all the best. I asked for clarity: where were we leaving it, that 'non permanent distance' worked best for me, ultimately up to her. She agreed with non permanent distance, that 'drawing a line with me' was hard because she 'cares about me so much'. We agreed she will be the one to re-initiate contact.
I don't understand. When she ended it she had life stress --> didn't want to see anyone --> chose someone other than me. Why? Why say 'goodbye, but this is hard because I care about you so much'? Why say goodbye, and does she actually care?
Additional info: yes I did message her too much, but she never brought up the concerns ever again; it was her decision for me to stay the night at her place; and even when she broke it off the second time she explicitly said it wasn't a lack of chemistry etc. When she said she didn't want to see anyone, she said she appreciated me and all of our great dates.
I don't think I'll ever hear from her again, and that her agreeing to 'non permanent distance' was to mollify me. I just want to understand how it all went wrong when it seemed to be going great, and how you can say goodbye to someone you 'care about so much'.
Hello Belleraphonious, and a warm welcome to you.
The age difference isn't anything to be concerned about, nor is the education level, but perhaps there were matters she wanted to keep secret.
With any mental health issues, we can't predict what may lay ahead for any relationship, all we can do is hope the person we care about gets all the help they need, then they may well and truly connect with us once again.
I wouldn't say 'it all went wrong', give her some time and I'm sure she will reconnect with you.
Hi Geoff, and thanks.
I really don't think I'll ever hear from her again, I think she's moved on and is no longer interested at all. I just find myself baffled by the 'it's hard because I care about you so much'. I actually thought she no longer cared at all, and if she does care, why push me away?
It sounds like she cares about you and was interested in you, but for whatever reason cannot see a future with you. It is hard to know why and I don't think you perhaps ever will. Even she may not know why either.
It's really hard when a relationship goes nowhere or stops because of some undescribeable thing, especially when the other person is the only one who sees it that way.
I think she does care about you, but thinks this is best for both of you.
I lost a 4.5 year relationship with someone who said she 'loved me but was not in love with me'. It's feels all the same in the end when you're on the receiving side of that kind of thing.
Sorry I don't know what to say. It sucks, and I am glad to hear that you are trying to accept that she won't contact you again. The best way forward is perhaps to accept that she did care and does care, but she wants to go separate ways. "Why?" may seem really important, but usually nobody really knows which makes it so hard.
Thanks James, I appreciate your input.
I'm sorry to hear about your 4.5 year relationship ending, that has to be a lot tougher than what I'm dealing with.
Some people have suggested she's not ready for the sort of relationship I offered - I tend to be more romantic, as noted she's really not and seems to struggle with it but she did mentioned she needed to 'grow up'. Others suggested she was overwhelmed by what she felt about me, but I don't buy into the theories - after all, why then date someone else?
Regardless of anything else I KNOW both she and I need time away. Maybe that will be a month, a year, or forever, only time will tell. She's surprised me before but I'm trying to just accept she won't be in touch because sometimes I wonder if maybe I will hear from her, and I don't want to hope for that right now.
I too am sorry your relationship started with such promise and has now come to an end. While it does not make things much easier to bear I do have the feeling you and your friend were on different wavelengths. True when you first physically came together it seemed enjoyable and intense, however each time afterwards your friend has backed off and you really are at a loss as to why, even though you do accept her explanations.
As far as I'm concerned I need someone I do understand, and does understand me (more or less anyway). A relationship is based on care, trust and wanting to be together. I don't think without a degree of understanding that is possible. I suspect if you had stayed together problems would have started to emerge quite quickly.
As for the things she said about breaking off. Sadly in those sorts of situations people are not always straightforward, and this is often out of a misguided hope they can let the other down gently.
Ask yourself this, if you did get back together could you feel happy and secure, or have at the back of you mind you might have to go though all this again.?
Well I know she had concerns we weren't quite matched, but everything was going really well, and our basic personalities connected really well. The differences tended to be in things like music, movie taste etc but there were enough similarities. Yes there was a lot of physical intimacy, but our cuddles on our last two dates were intimate in a beyond-physical way, which some people think may have freaked her out perhaps not having been quite as romantic with previous partners.
She's been pretty straightforward in the past. I do feel she's trying to let me down gently but then she said 'all the best' when she broke it off the first time and then I heard from her again two weeks later. Not that I expect that to happen here, but you never know I guess.
In terms of getting back together - I've considered it and IF it even comes up, which I doubt, obviously that's going to be an issue. If the problem was that she just wasn't ready, then the essential conditions would've changed, so I would consider it. But it would require a thorough talk about any concerns we each had, and an understanding that the bolting could never happen again.
Ultimately I think I need to just let it go for now - she's the only one who can clarify but I can't contact her, and what will be will be, I can't change it. If she does get back in touch at some point I'll deal with it then, until now realise I can't predict the future and try to work on myself.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it can be hard when something starts out with so much promise, only for it to end so abruptly. A lot of people, both men and women, have difficulty getting close to people, particularly at the start. It sounds to me that you may have come on a bit strong at the start and scared her off. It’s likely that you have many of the qualities that she is looking for, and that’s why she said that she cared about you, but she may not have been sure on some things, and that coupled with the coming on too strong may have scared her off. I once read something that resonated with me “you will always be too much for the wrong person” and I think that is true, in relationships I’ve found some people either not enough or too much, but then the right person comes along and it just fits. If it was meant to be, it would have been x